Friday, March 31, 2006


Yesterday's indulgence in my spring fever did not come without a cost: I have had a headache all day long today. I got sunburned from all my fun in the sun, and I always get a headache on the first day of a burn. Fortunately I was wearing a short sleeved shirt, so my shoulders didn't get any burn at all. If I get one more burn on my shoulders like I've had in the past, I'm going to have to get a biopsy for melanoma. I really don't want to get cancer, so I'm really going to try hard this season NOT to burn so badly!!

This morning my son dragged me out into the chilly, wet, windy day to ride his tricycle around the block. The child doesn't realize that just because we spent all day outside yesterday, we can't do the same every day for the rest of his life!! Oh well, I literally walked two miles today!!

This evening I had to work. We were supposed to be counting from 7-9, and I guessed that we'd be done around 8:30. But we finished at 7:00!! I was so very excited!! It stormed really badly for about half an hour, and when it was done, there was the most beautiful rainbow... It was so bright and so glowing, and it even had a double!! You could see the whole arch of it!!

I remember one night when I was in high school. I was working at the bookstore with one other person, and it had been raining for the majority of the day. My coworker went out to help a someone load her car, and he came running back in. "Shut the drawer and come outside!!" He dragged me out to the little bit of grass between the parking lot and the road, and we stood there, just basking in the demonstration of God's promise. It's the most beautiful rainbow in my memory. We didn't stay long, but still...

The first time I remember seeing a rainbow was on my sister's fourth birthday. We were on Hilton Head island for an insurance conference, and we stayed a couple extra days for Mandy's birthday. And I remember being so jealous that God gave her a rainbow, and not me. But it was so wonderful.

I have always loved rainbows. I am so disappointed that they have become a symbol of the gay rights movement. I wish rainbows had kept their purity. Every time I see a rainbow, I am filled with awe. It is a reminder that when it rained tonight, God could have kept going. He could have flooded the earth again. But He didn't. He stopped, and put a ribbon in the sky to hold the floods back. I wonder if when God looks at the rainbow, He reminds Himself that He loves us. There are times when I am so frustrated with my son that I just have to sit and remind myself that I love him. At those times, I will often give him an extra hug, or a piece of chocolate, just for being my baby. I wonder if that's what a rainbow is - a hug for the whole world.

Rainbows are one of the few things that I have absolutely no negative memories associated with. Every time I have seen a rainbow, something wonderful has happened or was happening. It is a precious gift from God to me, because there are very very few things that have no negative associations for me. And the fact that He chooses to reinforce this promise in my life over and over and over is just beautiful. I rarely see rainbows. In all my life, I only remember five specific rainbows. Three have been in the last five years.

Dear Father,
Thank you. What more can I say?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Ahhh, nature...

This morning I took my very hyper tiny little man over to his sitter's. I needed to get some school work and Pampered Chef done, and make some calls, and he was just too BUSY!! So I got a little work done, and my dog begged to go out. So I let him out and saw just how BEAUTIFUL it is today!!

I stopped my work and spent about 15 minutes in the garden. I moved some dirt around and found a couple more baby flowers. I'm so excited about all the flowers that are coming up. Then I worked a little more on my work. Then I grabbed the leash and my bike and took the dog for a run. It was the first time that he's run with me while I was riding, but he learned fairly quickly not to dart in front of me while we were going! He got hit three times by my front tire, and didn't do it again! Funny dog. So I got to do two of my favorite things in the whole wide world today -- ride my bike and dig in the dirt. I even dragged the laptop and the phones outside, and I'm sitting out back, just enjoying the sun and the breeze, and my work!!

Today is one of those days when I just shake my head and wonder, How can people believe that God isn't good? I know that life is crappy sometimes - I'm struggling with my own hardships at the moment. But then a day like today comes along, and I am so thankful for the tiny little bit of love I can see. It's as though God has wrapped his arm around my shivering heart, and he's saying "I know honey. I know. I don't like what we're going through any more than you do. I can't do anything about it right now though - I'm growing you. I know it's tough, but here, I'll tell you what. Have a pretty sunny day and feel better. We can puzzle this over later. Right now, just enjoy me. Don't ask why, don't wait for the shadows of tomorrow... just enjoy the gift." And my tiny little heart gives a half-hearted smile and looks outside. And the warmth is amazing, and the breeze is refreshing, and I can relax.

Luke 16: 22-31 says "22Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 27Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.'"

Baby and I played outside until naptime. Then he napped while I pooper scoopered the entire back yard. Then we played outside until Daddy came home. Then we walked 5/6 of a mile as a family, and then played in the backyard with a girl from down the street. We didn't finally go inside until 7:05 pm!! What a beautiful day it has been! I am so thankful for such a wonderful introduction to Spring.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Work and other meaningful things

I love my job. I know you hear that all the time, but I really do love it. I get lots of time by myself to just think about stuff as I count. I often plot out little posts in my brain, that never quite make it onto the computer. I recite whatever Bible verse I am trying to memorize. I enjoy the time to just work. Tonight I got to work with some people that I really really enjoy. At one point I was pulled aside to work one on one with a store employee as we counted some stuff way up high. We didn't talk a lot, but at one point I asked my boss if I should still be trying for 500 pieces per hour (PPH) up there. And she said, "If you can get 500 pieces an hour, you need some kind of reward!!" And I came out with 509. When I told her, she said, "Okay, now try for Six hundred." :D I ended the night with 624 PPH, well over the target PPH for tonight's audit.

Ziggie and I have still not decided about the expansion of our family. I think we're getting closer to a decision. The difficulty is that most people wait four or five years into their marriage to have kids. We had our son right off the bat, and now we're kind of stuck. Which timeline is better for our family right now? Should we have all our kids in a group, like normal? Or should we wait a few years into our marriage to have kids, like normal? lol... Both are normal, but neither is normal for us!!

I have a big test tomorrow afternoon -- Monday the 27th at 1pm, so pray for me if you think of it. It's a good three or four hour test, and I'm a little nervous. I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for it, but I'll find out when I get there.

I need to get to bed so I can get up with BabyBoy tomorrow morning. I want to spend a little time with him before I leave. I may not get back until almost his bed time.

So good night all, and thanks for your prayers!!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

too much...

I've had a little too much to drink. And I'm drunk. I've never really been drunk before. I've had drinks -- mostly just sips every now and then, and I've gotten a slight buzz before, but I've never been drunk like this. I've always wondered what I'm like when I'm drunk. Now I know. My emotions are wobbling up and down. One minute I'm giggly, the next I'm apologizing for everything. I find myself increasingly worried that Ziggie will be annoyed or irritated. I'm dizzy, and can't sit straight. It started out as just a sip to calm me after an exciting night. But I liked the taste and just mindlessly kept drinking.

I was wrong. And even as I sit here, still reeling, I'm sorry for it. I don't like being this drunk. I like the feeling a small drink brings -- I get relaxed, and kind of giggly. But right now I don't feel in control, and it feels wrong. I know it's wrong.

I've had some bread and crackers and a little water -- I'm afraid any more water will make me throw up. While that might relieve my stomach ache, it really won't help any. I'm glad that I at least stopped before I wanted too. I didn't drink the whole 20 oz. bottle. Just about 12 oz. or so. But still -- it was too much.

I'm dizzy, and I don't like this feeling -- not really. I like the new experience. Everything is crystal clear, like when I get a new prescription for my glasses. Even without my glasses, I can see farther than usual. But I don't like the dizzy feeling. I don't like it when I realize that if my son were to cry right now, I wouldn't be able to pick him up without falling over. I don't like kissing my husband and hearing that I smell like booze.

The goal was to just take a sip or two to calm my nerves, but I took it too far. I know that I'm not really going to struggle to get to sleep, but this isn't how I wanted to get to sleep. I wanted to fall asleep on my own, not because I can't stay awake. I wanted to be able to take care of my son in the morning, so my husband could sleep in. I wanted to just get a little calm, not have too much.

What is it that made me go too far? Was it my desire to be "bad"? Was it the flavor of the drink? Is it that I'm not really a Christian?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


So the last two weeks I've been very, very sore. So I went to the doctor, afraid of cancer or some such. (There are other reasons for the cancer thing, not just that I was sore or paranoid.) And he tells me that it's one of my medicines -- the one that helps me sleep. So I stopped taking it. This morning I got out of bed, and all the soreness was gone!! Unfortunately, it came with a price. I only got about an hour and a half of sleep last night.

I hate these kind of nights. Why can't I sleep on my own? For a few months, I went through life on about ten hours of sleep a week. And I don't want to do that again. But neither do I want to live with this pain. How do you guys fall asleep at night? My dad just "stops thinking". How do you all accomplish that?

I thought, rather, I had really hoped that I had conquered my insomnia. I'm not making insanely long task lists. I'm not freaking about vacuuming and dusting. I'm not Nazi Gestapo with the knives anymore. I thought that these things were keeping me up. But I guess not. Last night, I just lay there, looking at the wall. I wasn't thinking anything in particular. I got up to pee. I got an extra blanket. I switched pillows with Ziggie. I peed again. I plucked my eyebrows. I tried sleeping on the couch, then with the dog. I watched a little TV. And I wasn't able to sleep more than ten minutes straight until almost 7 this morning.

I'm distressed. There are a lot of things rolling around in my heart right now, but they aren't pressing me. I should have been able to sleep. And that worries me. I wonder how much all the other stuff is really doing for me. I wonder how much it helps. How much of my improvement stems from merely getting enough sleep? And how do I get enough sleep on my own?

Eck... I'm repeating myself now. I'm tired, but not really exhausted. I'll be like this for another day, max, and then I'll start feeling anxious again. I know these feelings. I can feel the thoughts boiling, simmering, stewing behind my eyes. How long this time until they bubble over? How long until I have another panic attack? How much longer will I have to live in pain?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Lullabies and So Big

I have very fond memories of my sister's father, when she and I were both still very little. At night, he would tuck us each into our beds, and he would sing to us. He had a very rich baritone, and is the one who started a love of music in my heart. He would tuck us into bed, first Mandy, then me. Then he would go and kneel by her bed and sing "All night, All day... Angels watching over me, my Lord. All night. All day... Angels watching over me." Then he would come and kneel by my bed and sing the same. I remember one time when he was taking me back to Indiana, and a great song cam on the radio -- one he used to sing at home. And I asked him, "Will you please sing for me, Daddy?" And he did. I love his voice.

At night, I've been rocking with my son in my arms, just before I put him down. I don't rock until he's asleep, but until he's done bonding with me. I used to sing all kinds of hymns. I love the old hymns. They tell the most beautiful stories. And... well, they remind me of my childhood. I was so young that I just believed what my parents did. Such a young faith... Anyway. I loved that time of sharing a little bit of my past with my son. And recently he doesn't want to hear the beautiful hymns that I want to sing to him.

My son's lullaby of choice: The Wheels on the Bus. His favorite verse: "the horn on the bus goes Beep beep beep..." When it gets to that part, he sings "beep beep beep beep" right along with me. And at the end he says "to-own". It's so cute, and I love that we're bonding his way now. But I do miss singing those hymns to him. I miss the way he would rest his head on my shoulder. Now he's all making motions with his hands and stuff. He goes down just as easy as ever... but I still miss the quiet time with him.

He's getting so big now. I just wish that he stay little... just in one little part of his life. But he won't. Not for a long time. Some day, some day he'll drag a toy around, a part of him will stay tiny. But not yet. Right now he needs to establish his independence from me, his own routines, and his own security items. One day he'll need his mommy again. But right now, right now I get to just sit back and watch as the Lord guides my baby by the hand.

I can't wait to watch as the Lord guides him in the ways of wisdom and truth, not just conscience.

You know my precious little boy. You fashioned him in my womb, and you already have a plan for him. I look at his tiny little face, and it baffles me that you know what he will do with the rest of hislife. Tomorrow has no meaning to him, and yet you have all of his tomorrows planned. Father, I know that you may choose to take him tonight... and I'm not sure what I would do if you did. But Father, please leave him in my care a little longer. Please let me see him grow up into a man like my father. Help him to learn to love you with all of his heart, and to share that love with others. Make his father and me good examples -- let us live your love and your word to him every moment of every day. Thank you for the awesome privilege of watching your plans unfold in his tiny, but precious, little life.

Sentimental Reasons

Right now I'm feeling particularly sentimental. I am missing some people that are very close to my heart. I spoke with a friend this afternoon who is realizing that his relationship with his girlfriend is not glorifying God. They've been together just for the sake of being together, and he's learning that this is not what God has in mind for him.

I had a very short relationship once that was just for the sake of being in a relationship. While I did genuinely care for the young man, our relationship wasn't made to go anywhere, and when we broke up, I wasn't hurt. I did miss him, but not as much as I had thought I would. Right after this, I met my husband, and now I realize that while I was dating this other man, God was trying to give me His best.

Anyway... my friend is in a rougher position, because he really cares for this girl, and would like to marry her, but she isn't interested in pleasing God with her choices. She would rather run from her problems than face them, and this troubles my friend. Slowly he has been growing toward the Lord, and has learned a lot about patience in the last two years. But now he finds his own desires conflicting with God's, and that's not fun.

My friend's emotional conflict has made me miss some of my first true friends. Pearl was my best friend, even when I wasn't a very good friend to her. And I am so glad that she continued to pursue me. She has become very near to my heart, and I wish I could be with her.

I'm missing my high school friends, two in particular. I miss just hanging out and laughing. I miss not really worrying about what God had in store for our big pictures, but learning to trust Him in the little things together. I miss the jokes and the way we knew everything about each other. I miss truly being able to share with another person, and knowing that they would care, even if they couldn't truly understand. I miss the companionship that resulted from being together all the time.

One of my friends from High School wrote a short note that really encouraged me today. I miss his daily encouragement, his daily enthusiasm for the Lord and His Word. So friend, thank you.

I remember one night we all went to hang out on the canal, and we took peanut butter and jelly and break, and we made sandwiches. We offered to anyone who passed by, but only one little girl accepted. She asked her parents, and they just kind of laughed as we made her a sandwich. We had so much fun. I remember watching the Matrix over and over whenever I went to Pearl's house. I remember walking through the woods with Job and his family. They were so much fun, and really enjoyed teasing each other.

I think the thing I miss most about High School is the people -- the feeling of truly belonging. Every now and then I would be laughing with friends, and I would just sit back and think how awesome it was that we were together, that I was a part of them. And I would have to blink really hard so they wouldn't know I was crying inside -- just from the sheer joy of their presence.

I want to thank You for the relationships You have placed in my life. I want to thank you for the lessons You taught through these special friends. Please place Your hand on them today, and help them to feel that joy of companionship today. Thank You for such a blessing. Father, You are so good, and You have the ultimate good planned for our lives. Please help us to get out of Your way, so that You may be glorified. And Father, I don't want to live in the past today. Help me to be thankful for the way You have changed these relationships to play a different role in my life. Help me not to pine for what I've lost, but to take joy in what I have gained. Thank You for allowing these relationships to mature in Your time, and not in ours. Please be with my friend as he makes this difficult decision. Help him to obey, no matter how hard it is. And Father... show him the joy that You showed me today.
Thank You for Your love. Amen.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


It's been a month since Valentine's, and it's one more month until a friend's birthday. It's kind of a fun anniversary to celebrate. Friend -- enjoy your last 31 days before you're no longer in your early teens!!

I got my essay for that class I hate done yesterday. I feel really awesome having that off my shoulders. I just have to wait for the prof to send it back, then I edit it, and I'm done with the class for good!! Let me tell you: I am never taking a critical thinking/problem solving class again!!

I got a lot done this morning, as well, and I feel pretty good.

Saturday I went down to Indy to see my parents, and we had a ton of fun. I did a Pampered Chef party for my mom, and it went really well. Ziggie took Baby to the Children's Museum with my dad and siblings, and they had a lot of fun, too. Sunday we stayed home from church so Baby could make up for his missed nap and late night, and we just enjoyed being a family together. After Baby went to bed, Ziggie and I just sat on the sofa and read for a while. It was very, very pleasant.

Well... I'm tired right now, and I'm not sure why. I got my full eight hours last night. I think...

So off I go!! Nigh' Night!!

Friday, March 10, 2006


Well, yesterday was interesting... to say the least. I got my homework done and sent it to my prof for revisions. I still have the final essay due on Wed. and I just started the Intro. So I'm just a little under a quarter of the way done. Eh well.

I called in to work because there were two people working that I didn't feel like working with, and I was feeling particularly crabby. I didn't feel like getting fired for fighting with Dani (as usual, not her real name). So I called in, and I don't have to work again until Sunday night. Yay!!

Ziggie and I caught up on some TV last night, and he went to bed early.

Today I ran a bunch of errands. I'm feeling pretty good. Not as great as I felt when I went to bed last night, but I'm excited to have friends over tonight. I'm going to get some other friends to come out in a week or so and watch Baby, so that I can force Ziggie to go see She's the Man with me. :D I'm really gonna have to twist his arm on that one!!

I started a really good book a couple weeks ago, and I'm on like chapter four. I just never get the time to sit down and read it. Between homework, work, and errands, I barely have time for my son and husband, much less pleasure reading. Oh well. I wouldn't trade my Booger or my Ziggie for enough free time to read all the books in the world.

Well... that's it from me!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Happy Thoughts...

I feel amazing tonight. I am so energized. It's going to take a while before I can fall asleep. :D I had so much fun at work tonight. We did a Victoria's Secret, and it was a hard store. Lingerie is always difficult, under the best of circumstances - but a store full of it is nearly impossible. :D I had a lot of fun, though.

I really, really like the people I'm working with now. The night team are all people who like their job, and really try to do their best. We work really well together, and we all know it. I am so glad to be a part of such a fun team. God has truly blessed me.

I like that there is always conversation going on. I can sit and be quiet and just beep beep beep away, or I can laugh and giggle and carry on with the rest - whatever I'm in the mood for.

Today was a pretty good day. My son is feeling a thousand times better, and my husband made it through more of the day at work than he did yesterday. I'm so proud of him. :D He tries so hard to help me, and he really makes me happy. Again... I am so blessed.

Well, I'm in the middle of an awesome book. It's a Nora Roberts book, Dancing on Air. The main character is running from an abusive relationship, and it amazes me the insight that Mrs. Roberts has into the heart of an abused person. I have never been abused by my husband, so I wouldn't say that I've been where this character is. But I have been abused; I have run from it; and I have felt the relief of truly starting over and beginning to heal.

I'm going to go read a chapter and head off to bed with happy thoughts. :D

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Eh, well, I think it's true...

Maybe you could...
You scored 18% Cold and 66% Level-Headed!
In a pinch, you could do it, but you'd need a very good reason to. And you're not going to be too happy afterward.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 4% on Cold

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 77% on Level-Headed
Link: The Can You Kill a Man? Test written by notmarkflynn on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Anniversary Part 2

It seems that on my last post, I didn't fully communicate my joy about this anniversary.

This anniversary marks:
1. the end of abuse in my life -- both mental and physical
2. the beginning of my true journey toward salvation
3. the beginning of a new life for me. It was during this time that I transformed from Claire to Claire-Elaine -- similar to Saul's metamorphosis into Paul
4. the beginning of stability in my life
5. the first time in my life that I was able to stay in one school, one church -- I made friends during the last eight years that I still keep in touch with; friends that I still love
6. the second time in my life that I truly felt at home -- loved and appreciated
7. a feeling of security that I had never felt before -- the end of constant fear in my life
8. the beginning of a relationship that would eventually lead to my forever family
9. the healing of a rotten wound
10. a time when Christ was truly able to apply His peace to my heart
11. the breaking down of many strongholds within my soul
12. the transformation of so many ashes into the beauty He had planned all along

In short, I am exhilarated to celebrate this anniversary. It was the beginning of so much joy for me, and the end of so much pain.

I celebrate this anniversary because I know that every year, as I look back to this special day, I will see more and more that God has done in my life. I am so excited to see what He will have accomplished in my heart after 10 years, 15, 20. I have no idea what His plans are, but I'm no longer afraid of them. I embrace His will for my life, and I'm so eager to continue on that journey.

Monday, March 06, 2006


Today is an anniversary for me. I have lived in the same state for eight years now. I've known my parents for eight years now.

Eight years ago today was a Friday. My sister's dad loaded the van with all the stuff we had packed during the two weeks before. The other three went to stay with our grandparents. Then Charles and Ann and I drove to Indiana. I remember wishing that it were just me and Charles. I sat in the back, all crammed in among my stuff, and read a book.

When we got to Indianapolis, Charles and Ann went into an office with my caseworker, and they talked for about two and a half hours. I sat in a chair in the hallway and looked at a Real Estate guide. I napped a little, and flipped through some other similar guides. I remember there was a bowl of peppermints downstairs, and I got one as we left.

When we left, we followed my caseworker's blue truck to the home I would be living in. We got there, and I was relieved to get out of the van. I was nervous, and I wondered if I would recognize anyone. There were two little boys playing in another room while we unloaded all my stuff. One was my oldest little brother, and the other was the first child to come live with my new parents.

We toured the house, and then my sister's parents left. We had KFC for dinner, my choice. :D Then we discovered that we had accidentally unloaded Ann's bag, and we had to mail it back the next day.

It's amazing to think about how much I've grown in the last eight years.


I'm so tired, I can barely think. I'm eating some Lucky Charms because my stomach is thinking for me right now. Then I'm going to bed. :D

Tonight was a good night. We did the store in great time, and I did okay. I averaged around 600 pieces an hour, a little bit more. We didn't have a goal, but a lot of people did right about that, maybe a little less. While I was pulling all the little yellow tags, my team left without me. It's funny because I was pulling right next to the girl driving me, and then she disappeared, and we couldn't find her. So I got left, and I got an extra two hours of work/pay in. So hey!! I got a ride home with the rest of the Huntington team, and I really like them.

Ziggie and Baby are both sick, and I'm kind of hoping that Ziggie will call in sick. At the same time, that would make it harder to justify sending Baby to the sitter's, but neither of us will be in any shape to watch him.

Well, my three minutes are up, and I'm really tired. So 'night!!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Left out

Note: This is backdated. :D

Today was okay. I'm feeling a little sick, like the boys, and it's not fun!!

I got to work tonight. I had a lot of fun and really did a great job. There was a tiny mix-up about my schedule, but I'm happy because I ended out with an extra hour work and pay. I love my job, and that's a good thing.

I felt a little tired today -- kind of lazy. I really wanted Ziggie to take care of Baby, but he was sicker than I am!! So my FiL came over to help put TinyMan to bed. I'm not sure how that all went. I'll find out in the morning.

I noticed something tonight --
There were a bunch of ladies in the room with me and we were all counting in the same area. At one point I noticed that they were all talking to each other and laughing about something, and no one made an effort to involve me in the joke or the conversation.

I was a little disappointed. I was reminded of High School when I would often come up to the lunch table and they would be telling a story and I wouldn't get the joke. It's like I'm physically a part of the group, but mentally we're miles apart. I don't like that "left behind" or "left out" feeling.

In High School I would ask them to repeat it, or explain the joke, and they'd just say, "nah it's too long," or "you'll get it when you're older." I convinced myself that I would just have to make an effort to fit in better. I'd laugh even if I didn't have a clue. And I made myself feel as though I fit in. Tonight I convinced myself that it was just because I was crouched down, and they didn't hear when I tried to talk to them. It wasn't on purpose. It's not their responsibility to involve me. I should be more outgoing and involve myself.

And yet... I wonder. Is it really me? Do I need to be more outgoing -- involve myself? Am I being selfish, expecting to be a part of the conversation all the time? Should I just accept the fact that these guys have worked together for a long time, and I'm always going to be a step behind? Or is it something deeper? Am I too focused on the task at hand and not enough on them? Do they feel as though I'm stuck up because I don't often innitiate conversation? Am I just being silly?

I don't know what the answer is. This is the first time at work that I've been so aware of being an outsider. Maybe it was just one of those things, and my mind made it more than it was. Maybe it's just that I've worked with them for a month now and thought I'd be further in relationships than I am. Maybe I just need to go to bed and see what happens over the next month.

Yeah... I think that might be the answer. :-) I'm off to bed!!

Thank you so much for a job that provides a way for me to contribute to our finances. Thank you for that feeling of productiveness that I get. Thank you for giving me a job that I love. Thank you for my FiL who helps when we need it. Thank you so much for this life you've given me. Thank you, Father. Help me not to take your gifts for granted.

Friday, March 03, 2006

"I'm the Baby!!!"

Today was an interesting day. Ziggie and Booger were both sick again, and I made Ziggie stay home from work. That was okay. I'm starting to get a touch of it all, but I'm feeling a lot better than they are. We did have to cancel on our friends, because Booger is still running a fever, and while I feel badly, I'm not really bummed.

I watched Never Been Kissed tonight. I had forgotten how much I like that movie. I really connect with it, on several levels. In High School I always felt like Josie did. I never really fit in, and I was often the butt of the jokes. At least, until my senior year. By then I was comfortable enough in the skin I had made for myself that I was fairly popular (Homecoming Queen Runner-Up!!!), and I wasn't the butt of too many jokes. :D Of course... falling in the canal and losing my glasses in the ocean are two things I will never live down. :D Anyway... I really like this movie.

Today I was sitting on the sofa with Booger on my lap and I told Ziggie "I have to pee, and there's a child on my bladder." He says, "That's probably why you have to pee! See, you keep asking me to get pregnant, and it's just like being pregnant again!!" And I said, "Yeah, but I don't get the baby at the end." And Booger turned around and said, "I'm the Baby!!!"

On a sidenote: Does anyone recognize this actress? Hint: She plays a snobby teen in Never Been Kissed. She's Disco Barbie at the prom!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Being Bubbles...

Well, Ziggie and Baby are both sick. I called Ziggie's work for him, and I'm turning his alarm off. I don't care what he says; he's too sick to go to work, and I want to have my friends over tomorrow night. If he sleeps, then he may feel better tomorrow afternoon. If he feels better, I can have my friends over!! I miss grown-ups. I miss real live grown-ups with voices and laughter and warm bodies. I miss people who use verbs in their sentences and eat more things than Cheerios and apple slices. Plus, our friends have a tiny little girl. She just turned a year, and I'm so excited to play with a small baby. My son is so big now, and he doesn't let me play with him. I can watch him play. I can get the toys out. But I don't get to actually get down on my hands and knees and play with him. "I wanna" is his mantra. Ahh.... Grown ups!!

I hope that Ziggie and Baby are both better tomorrow because it's not fun taking care of them both, either. Baby is sleeping better tonight than he did last night (so far... Knock on wood), and that's a very good sign. The doctor gave them both antibiotics, and I'm eager to see how much good it'll do.

I, in the meantime, am feeling better than I've felt in a long time. I kind of feel bad, being all happy and chipper and energetic when they're both lounging around holding their heads and hacking their lungs up. But, if I weren't feeling well, they would both be running around being loud. So I am thankful that I can care for them and get a couple hours to myself tonight!!

Dear Father,
You know my family. Please help my guys to get better. It seems like everyone in the world is sick, and it's not fun for any of us. Help Andrew, and Ziggie, and Baby to all feel better. Touch their spirits as well as their bodies, and make your love especially apparent these next few days. Thank you so much for my health right now, and let that continue. I like taking care of my guys, and I enjoy having my husband home. Thank you for the quiet time tonight that I could spend with you. I love you, Father, and I appreciate all that you've done to help me remember throughout the last couple weeks. You have made yourself known and remembered, and I thank you. Again, I love you.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Why blog?

I was reading a post by a friend that I really admire. She had a lot to say about "blogs" -- where they came from and why she started one.

As I was reading this post, I saw something interesting. She stated that she didn't want to use her blog to say things that she would normally be too timid to say in person.

For me, that is one of the benefits of a blog. I feel like what I say on my blog is more honest, more open, than I feel comfortable with in person. You can see an entirely different side of me -- one that I rarely let out in person. In person, I am too timid, because a person may not have a choice about hearing what I have to say. I choose my words very carefully, and slowly construct every sentence. Or else I fly off the handle and don't say what I really want to say, and end up sorry later.

On my blog, a person always has the choice not to continue reading. I can be as honest as I want, and if they don't want to hear it, then they don't have to keep reading. On my blog, most sentences are written as I feel them, but a few are also carefully crafted. I can be loud and angry, without saying things that I don't mean or didn't want to say.

I find that when I argue on-line, I fight more fairly. I say what I am really thinking deep down, as it comes to me, but I have the option of backspacing and using a different word, or deleting the sentence entirely. So I'm still mad and upset and vent those feelings, but I don't damage a friendship too badly like I tend to do when I fight in person.

It's one of the reasons I haven't shared my writings with my parents yet. There are things in here that are true, and that I want people to know... but I'm not ready to share with my parents. And someday, I will simply say to them, "Mom, Dad... I want you to read my journal." And they will see the part of me that I have been hiding -- the part I've been too scared to show them.

That's actually the whole reason I started blogging. I was reading this other blog, and I wanted to put my two cents in. At the time, I was really mad at my church, but I didn't know how to tell them all my feelings, and I wasn't brave enough to do it to their face.

I guess, there's a sense of validation that I really need right now. And I know that this is a venue where I can get that. Or people will tell me flat out: "Girl, you're off your rocker. Get with the program here!" And I don't have to hear it from people that I really love. I don't get mad at them; they don't get mad at me; and in my own little world, it all works out in the end.

I'm changing my name.

Pretty uneventful day. I tried to sleep all day, but different things kept waking me up: dog, phone, Ziggie, baby. I'm crampy again -- not a good sign. I know all you guys really want to know that... but hey, it's *my journal. :D

I was supposed to go to work, but I woke up and got ready and I had a migraine and a didn't feel good. Everytime I walked across the room or stood up I would get really dizzy or nauseated. Not a good thing when you spend all day going up and down at work. So I called in sick. Correction -- I had Ziggie call in sick for me. I'm such a chicken when it comes to calling in. I just called in on Sunday and I knew that my team leader was not going to be happy. I figured since Ziggie has never met her, he was less likely to be tempted to send me to work than if I talked to her.

I hate calling in -- I really do. I don't like disappointing people and I don't like being sick. I love my job, and I hate when I can't be there. But I think that tonight I would have been more of a liability than a help.

My son talked non-stop once his daddy got home. "Daddy? Milk! Milk! Milk! Daddy? Daddy? couch... couch... cheese!! Cheese! Apple!! Apple!! That? That? Coco, balloon!! Coco balloon!! Parker puppy! Parker puppy!! Baby Colers (Colin)!! Baby Colers!! Mommy? Mommy? Peepee... peepee... TeeTee (TV), teetee pause, teetee play!! Towel, towel, wipe! Towel wipe!!" And so on and so forth. He wanted to be held in my lap, under a blanket, and didn't want me to get up for anything. About six he was getting cranky and wouldn't stop talking and started running a fever. So we stuck him in bed an hour early. While I was rocking him, he said "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy..." about a thousand times -- seriously, no breaks, for about ten minutes straight. Finally I laid him in his crib and left the room, and he continued with the "mommy"-ing for about two more minutes before he coughed and fell asleep. It was cute, but quite annoying as well.

After Baby went down, we watched some TV, and I painted my fingernails. I love this color -- it's kind of orangey pinkey -- called coral. It's sparkly without being too obvious, and it's really nice. I love having my nails colored: I feel just that much sexier. I like feeling good about myself.

Well, once again, it's late; and I'm tired. So good night!!

Dear Father,
Please help my son to sleep well tonight and to feel better tomorrow. Give me the patience to potty train him, and help me to sleep well too. Father, thank you for a day to rest, and thank you that I'm feeling better now than I was earlier.