Positive changes

Chad and I have been doing "Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred". We started last Monday, and we did Thursday, Saturday, and again today (another Monday). We were aiming for three times a week. The workout is 20 mins long, and is BRUTAL. Jillian says, "You want results? They don't come free... We make big promises, and we gotta deliver great results. You gotta work for them!" After the first workout, we both lay on the floor for nearly an hour, unable to move. After the second workout, I realized I could walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. Chad realized he could walk a mile to lunch with the guys without feeling like he was going to die. After the third, we noticed that it only took about 20 mins to recover. SO MUCH better than lying around for an hour, and breathing hard for the next half hour after that. Tonight, by the end of the cool down, we were genuinely cooled down. I ALMOST feel like I could do another one. We've decided to step it up and workout together two days on, one day off. I'm looking forward to the changes we'll see.

All in all, I'm feeling more positive. I have lost 8 pounds in two weeks. I'm looking forward to losing more. I'm making better choices with my food, and I'm working out hard. We've got a lot of changes coming. We're looking to buy a new home, instead of keep renting this one. I'm taking the first steps to sell premade baby books. I'm still applying for jobs when recruiters send them my way, but I'm not going out looking for positions right now. I feel more positive, more productive, more creative. I feel like I'm coming back to myself. 

Numbers Day

Weight: 268lbs
Chest: 45.25"
Bust: 49"
Hips: 51.5"
Waist: 49.5"
Upper Thigh: 30.75"
Lower Thigh: 22.5"
Upper Arm: 15.5"
Wrist: 7.13"
Calf: 18.13"
R Breast: 18.38"
L Breast: 17.13"
Neck: 15.5"

Feeling Positive

My legs hurt like mad today, as a result of the first 30 Day Shred workout. I could feel the muscles tightening up throughout the day, so I did the Red Mile and the full body stretch from Leslie Sansone's "Ultimate 5 Day Walk Plan". It was surprisingly fun, and seemed much shorter than a usual one mile with her. My legs hurt more now, but they feel looser. I'm not sure how tomorrow will go, but we'll see!

I had 12oz of Pepsi this morning. I enjoyed the taste, but not as much as I used to. My friend Kat introduced me to Pomegranate Green Tea, and that was *delicious*, even without any sweetener. I also enjoyed holding her baby. :-)

I'm not sure if it's the recent change in meds, or if it's the working out, but I'm feeling a lot less tired and a lot more motivated lately. I hope this trend continues!!

Wow

I went to Dr. Meiring this morning, and he cleared me for all workouts and supplements and supervised med changes. I'm excited, because I'm really feeling negative a lot more, and it's because of my weight. There are so many things I want to do, but can't because I'm so obese. I was really discouraged when I saw a paper on the wall of the exam room. It said, "Body Mass Index" and it was a chart. So you go down the first column until you find your height, then you follow that row until you find your weight. My weight was about 40lbs off the chart. It was very discouraging to know that I am *literally* off the chart. But he cleared me for any changes, and he seemed really excited to hear what I've done so far.

So then I went and met Dr. Jaqueline Lyons. She's a psychologist, and I found her because she does faith-based obesity counseling. I really enjoyed our talk, and she gave me homework. I still need to work on that tonight before I forget. But I want to do this journal first, before I lose my thoughts. So I really enjoyed my meeting with her, and I think it will be a very productive relationship.

So then I came home and I really have no idea what I did until we all went to get Topher from school. After that we went to Walmart to get sandals for T because his flip flops broke. While there, Chad discovered that in the last two months, Topher has grown another size and a half in shoe size. What's crazy is that when I bought his sneakers two months ago (and they're not even worn out!), I bought them too big. And he outgrew that!! So we got him some sneakers, sandals, and both boys some water shoes for splash pads and swimming pools. I don't want to deal with foot fungi this summer. We also got a little toy for Xander, and since the toy aisle is right next to the sports section, I ran over to see if Walmart has a DVD that some of the girls on MyFitnessPal were talking about, "Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred". They said it was brutal, and I figured I could do it just fine because I've been working out on and off, and they were brand new beginners. Chad said he'd do it with me, so we bought it for $10.

About 9:45 we started the DVD and it was *brutal*. Halfway through the first set, I was exhausted already, my legs felt like jelly, and I didn't think I'd make it through. But Chad was doing it right beside me and encouraging me the whole way. I don't know how he managed to have motivation enough for both of us, but he did. And I'm so proud of him for pushing me, and I'm proud of him for pushing him. There were a couple of exercises and one stretch that we simply could not do. But we kept going, and we didn't sit and rest. We *moved*. It took me about an hour to get my breath back, and another half hour after that to stop shaking. 

At first, right after the workout, I was very demoralized. I, who had been working out off and on, could not make it as far as my husband did. I didn't have the motivation that I thought I had, and it made me wonder if I really want this badly enough. And Jillian is so rational about it all. She explains why she pushes so hard, and we all know the results she's gotten. I felt that I was irrational for being in so much pain. I didn't like her style as much as Leslie's in some ways, because she's a lot pushier. But I did really like that she explained every move in such detail. She showed us what we needed to know to avoid getting hurt. And even though the workout was killing me, I didn't get hurt. No broken bones or pulled muscles. No debilitation. 

Once the shaking stopped, I realized that I felt good. I have a lot of feel good chemicals in my brain right now, and that's very cool. I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight, though, because I did not sleep for even a minute last night. I was exhausted and wide awake. I did, however, finish a crossword puzzle in a magazine, with one hint. Any way, I feel good, and I'm willing to give this another try. One of the girls on my Facebook said that she used to do the Shred 3-5 times a week, and she lost 40 pounds in 3 1/2 months. I'm looking forward to *that* kind of change! I'll need to rearrange my idea of what a workout is and what is helpful, and maybe even look at how much am I really willing to do. She said something about... I lost my train of thought.

A couple of things that I'm going to add to my list of what will excite me when I'm at a healthy weight again: painting my toenails easily, getting things off the floor of the car, and shaving my legs without falling down in the shower. Also, I'll love not having my thighs rub against each other. 

Another motivational thing that I'm going to do is to make a scrapbook. I'm going to pull together some of the photos from before I gained so much weight, and some photos of me now. I'll include "workout gear" pictures so we can see all the grotesqueness. Then, every two weeks I will do a weigh in and an inches record, and take a new picture. I'm hoping that I will literally be able to watch myself lose the weight. I think once I can really see a change from the first photo it will be easier to keep this going.

Last thing: I'm a little jealous of Stephanie because she gets to have her surgery. I'm also excited for her, because I know how much longer she has dealt with this, and how much more she's suffered for it. I'm hoping that we can hit a healthy weight within a few months of each other. That would be pretty cool.

Update

I'm not going to rehash my failures tonight. I will go over some of my feelings, though.

I dropped the ignition key on the floor of the car today, and had to wiggle and finagle until I could get it back. I was winded by the time I sat back up. I felt frustrated and disappointed, and a bit angry. I said, "I have to do a workout tonight."

I did do a workout tonight. It's the first one since last Friday. On Friday I walked just over six miles through the forest at Hocking Hills with Christopher and his class. We did it in about three hours, and it was brutal. I was angry and frustrated during the whole thing, but in retrospect, I had fun. Tonight was a Leslie Sansone DVD. This summer I'm definitely getting out of the house more. 

I had set a goal at the beginning of the year to lose 70 pounds. That's a little over 2 pounds a week. I was going to be thrilled with 50 pounds, but I like to aim high and miss, rather than aim low, and not know how much I could have done. There are 30 weeks and 1 day remaining in the calendar year. If I lose 2 pounds a week, I won't reach that 70 pound goal. That's a tough pace to keep, and I won't be able to do it, which makes me a little mad and a lot sad.

I went through a couple of weeks ago and pulled out a bunch of digital photos of when I was smaller. I noticed that all of them were before my break just after Xander was born. I don't want to blame my meds for my weight, because that wouldn't be all true. But it would definitely appear to be a part of the equation. I talked to my psych doc about my meds and my desire to lose weight. She took me off my Risperdal and Celexa, and put me on Geodon. I remember being on Geodon before, and I loved how I felt. So far, it's been really positive, but I'm not completely done with the Risperdal.

I'm fighting the urge to workout in the morning and again at night, and eat nothing but veggies, and drink nothing but water. I know that going too far the other direction is not a healthy way to lose weight. But I need to do something...

What about now?

My last post is an ongoing post of what I hope to accomplish by losing weight. But another list that I think is important is what I like about myself now. So this post will be an ongoing post answering the question "What will not change?"

• I love my hair. It is long, and a gorgeous brown with a tiny bit of red in it. It's thick and beautiful.
• I love my eyebrows. They are a great shape, and very flattering to my face. They're dark and thick, and look very nice when I take the time to get rid of the strays.
• I love praying for other people. I love that God has given me a passion to pray for others.
• I love how consistent I am with spending time in God's word every night. I'd like to add a morning devotional, but that hasn't happened just yet.
• I love my family, and I'm happy with the relationships I'm edifying.
• I love having big boobs, even if I wish they fit in bras better. I will miss having them when I lose the weight.
• I love my mental abilities. I'm sharp and focused when I have a project, and I love that.
• I love my imagination. I make up stories all the time, and it's a constant source of amusement.
• I love my honesty. I still find myself working very hard not to exaggerate or bend the truth, but I love the strides I've made in that area.
• I love my thankful nature, especially my thanks to God. I anticipate even more praises and thank you's in the coming months and years.

Why?

I've been reading blogs about weight loss, trying to psych myself up, get in the right mindset, and arm myself with information that will help me stick to the goal this time. One of the things that I read, and I remember having a conversation about this with my friend last year, is that you need to positively motivate yourself. So instead of saying, "I look disgusting", I should say, "I want to be thinner." Part of this exercise is making a list of things that you are hoping to achieve by losing weight. So here is my list, and I'll probably be adding to it over the next few weeks and months.

• I will weigh 145, a healthy weight for my height.
• I will fit into the clothes that I wore when I was pregnant with T.
• I will be able to jog a 10 minute mile.
• I will be able to walk 5 miles at a time.
• I will fit into the seats at an amusement park.
• I will sit in our dining room chairs without fearing they will break.
• I will have the energy not to sleep all day.
• I will get a good tan this summer from playing all day outside with my boys.
• My digestive system will be calmer and more regular.
• I will walk without my legs sticking to each other.
• I will shave my legs more often because I can bend over better.
• My back will be stronger because there is less fat pulling it the wrong direction.
• I will have sex more often because I am more attractive to myself and to my husband.
• I will enjoy swimming more often because I am not ashamed.
• I will not stretch the seat belt so far when I am in the car.
• I will eat when I am hungry, and not when I am bored or sad.
• I will be able to lift X without hurting myself.
• I will fit on the toilet seat.
• I will wear shorts and skirts comfortably.
• Bras and underwear will fit more comfortably.
• I will be able to shop at normal stores instead of "plus sized women" stores.
• I will please God with the choices I make in caring for his temple.

Starting Over, Again.

I have decided to start over with my blog. I haven't decided whether to move my old posts to a different blog, hide them, or keep them where they are. I don't want to delete them, as I did a lot of growing through them, but I don't want them to get in the way of my goals.

January 1st, I said that I wanted to lose 70lbs this year. I was going to be very happy if I lost 50, but would rather shoot too high and miss than shoot too low and hamper my progress.

I was wrong.

Instead of losing weight, I have gained 20 pounds. This is not good, obviously. I am not fitting well into any of my pants from last year. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I am tired all the time. I have frequent migraines. I have very little motivation. Part of all this is my desire to get a job. I have interviewed many, many times, and have yet to land a job. I'm discouraged and disappointed. Add to that my weight, which emotionally disgusts me, and I'm not happy at all.

I am drawing a line in the sand. This is as far as I will go in this direction, and I will go no farther.

My new goals are:

1. Lose 10 pounds. I am setting a time limit of one month. That is 2.5 pounds a week. The following goals will support this main goal.
2. No more than 24 oz of soda per day. After that, it's water only. I am currently drinking up to 60oz of soda a day, and that is not healthy.
3. Walk one mile every day. I must do this, whether I am stopping every five minutes to throw up, or whether I am healthy as a horse. I will accept no more excuses.
4. Log my calorie intake and output. This is very easy using MyFitnessPal and my FitBit. It takes very little time, and I am on the computer most of the time anyway. This starts TODAY.
5. Keep this a secret. I realize that most weight loss experts will encourage you to make yourself accountable to other people. I am choosing to be accountable to myself. If I can not do this for myself, when the world is not watching, then I am going to fail. I need this to be my project -- my win or my loss. Hopefully my win and my loss. :-)

I'm starting today. I have already had 12oz of soda, so I can only have one more can today. And I will get my walk in today. I must.

Here's to health -- physical and emotional.