Positive changes

Chad and I have been doing "Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred". We started last Monday, and we did Thursday, Saturday, and again today (another Monday). We were aiming for three times a week. The workout is 20 mins long, and is BRUTAL. Jillian says, "You want results? They don't come free... We make big promises, and we gotta deliver great results. You gotta work for them!" After the first workout, we both lay on the floor for nearly an hour, unable to move. After the second workout, I realized I could walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded. Chad realized he could walk a mile to lunch with the guys without feeling like he was going to die. After the third, we noticed that it only took about 20 mins to recover. SO MUCH better than lying around for an hour, and breathing hard for the next half hour after that. Tonight, by the end of the cool down, we were genuinely cooled down. I ALMOST feel like I could do another one. We've decided to step it up and workout together two days on, one day off. I'm looking forward to the changes we'll see.

All in all, I'm feeling more positive. I have lost 8 pounds in two weeks. I'm looking forward to losing more. I'm making better choices with my food, and I'm working out hard. We've got a lot of changes coming. We're looking to buy a new home, instead of keep renting this one. I'm taking the first steps to sell premade baby books. I'm still applying for jobs when recruiters send them my way, but I'm not going out looking for positions right now. I feel more positive, more productive, more creative. I feel like I'm coming back to myself. 

Numbers Day

Weight: 268lbs
Chest: 45.25"
Bust: 49"
Hips: 51.5"
Waist: 49.5"
Upper Thigh: 30.75"
Lower Thigh: 22.5"
Upper Arm: 15.5"
Wrist: 7.13"
Calf: 18.13"
R Breast: 18.38"
L Breast: 17.13"
Neck: 15.5"

Feeling Positive

My legs hurt like mad today, as a result of the first 30 Day Shred workout. I could feel the muscles tightening up throughout the day, so I did the Red Mile and the full body stretch from Leslie Sansone's "Ultimate 5 Day Walk Plan". It was surprisingly fun, and seemed much shorter than a usual one mile with her. My legs hurt more now, but they feel looser. I'm not sure how tomorrow will go, but we'll see!

I had 12oz of Pepsi this morning. I enjoyed the taste, but not as much as I used to. My friend Kat introduced me to Pomegranate Green Tea, and that was *delicious*, even without any sweetener. I also enjoyed holding her baby. :-)

I'm not sure if it's the recent change in meds, or if it's the working out, but I'm feeling a lot less tired and a lot more motivated lately. I hope this trend continues!!

Wow

I went to Dr. Meiring this morning, and he cleared me for all workouts and supplements and supervised med changes. I'm excited, because I'm really feeling negative a lot more, and it's because of my weight. There are so many things I want to do, but can't because I'm so obese. I was really discouraged when I saw a paper on the wall of the exam room. It said, "Body Mass Index" and it was a chart. So you go down the first column until you find your height, then you follow that row until you find your weight. My weight was about 40lbs off the chart. It was very discouraging to know that I am *literally* off the chart. But he cleared me for any changes, and he seemed really excited to hear what I've done so far.

So then I went and met Dr. Jaqueline Lyons. She's a psychologist, and I found her because she does faith-based obesity counseling. I really enjoyed our talk, and she gave me homework. I still need to work on that tonight before I forget. But I want to do this journal first, before I lose my thoughts. So I really enjoyed my meeting with her, and I think it will be a very productive relationship.

So then I came home and I really have no idea what I did until we all went to get Topher from school. After that we went to Walmart to get sandals for T because his flip flops broke. While there, Chad discovered that in the last two months, Topher has grown another size and a half in shoe size. What's crazy is that when I bought his sneakers two months ago (and they're not even worn out!), I bought them too big. And he outgrew that!! So we got him some sneakers, sandals, and both boys some water shoes for splash pads and swimming pools. I don't want to deal with foot fungi this summer. We also got a little toy for Xander, and since the toy aisle is right next to the sports section, I ran over to see if Walmart has a DVD that some of the girls on MyFitnessPal were talking about, "Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred". They said it was brutal, and I figured I could do it just fine because I've been working out on and off, and they were brand new beginners. Chad said he'd do it with me, so we bought it for $10.

About 9:45 we started the DVD and it was *brutal*. Halfway through the first set, I was exhausted already, my legs felt like jelly, and I didn't think I'd make it through. But Chad was doing it right beside me and encouraging me the whole way. I don't know how he managed to have motivation enough for both of us, but he did. And I'm so proud of him for pushing me, and I'm proud of him for pushing him. There were a couple of exercises and one stretch that we simply could not do. But we kept going, and we didn't sit and rest. We *moved*. It took me about an hour to get my breath back, and another half hour after that to stop shaking. 

At first, right after the workout, I was very demoralized. I, who had been working out off and on, could not make it as far as my husband did. I didn't have the motivation that I thought I had, and it made me wonder if I really want this badly enough. And Jillian is so rational about it all. She explains why she pushes so hard, and we all know the results she's gotten. I felt that I was irrational for being in so much pain. I didn't like her style as much as Leslie's in some ways, because she's a lot pushier. But I did really like that she explained every move in such detail. She showed us what we needed to know to avoid getting hurt. And even though the workout was killing me, I didn't get hurt. No broken bones or pulled muscles. No debilitation. 

Once the shaking stopped, I realized that I felt good. I have a lot of feel good chemicals in my brain right now, and that's very cool. I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight, though, because I did not sleep for even a minute last night. I was exhausted and wide awake. I did, however, finish a crossword puzzle in a magazine, with one hint. Any way, I feel good, and I'm willing to give this another try. One of the girls on my Facebook said that she used to do the Shred 3-5 times a week, and she lost 40 pounds in 3 1/2 months. I'm looking forward to *that* kind of change! I'll need to rearrange my idea of what a workout is and what is helpful, and maybe even look at how much am I really willing to do. She said something about... I lost my train of thought.

A couple of things that I'm going to add to my list of what will excite me when I'm at a healthy weight again: painting my toenails easily, getting things off the floor of the car, and shaving my legs without falling down in the shower. Also, I'll love not having my thighs rub against each other. 

Another motivational thing that I'm going to do is to make a scrapbook. I'm going to pull together some of the photos from before I gained so much weight, and some photos of me now. I'll include "workout gear" pictures so we can see all the grotesqueness. Then, every two weeks I will do a weigh in and an inches record, and take a new picture. I'm hoping that I will literally be able to watch myself lose the weight. I think once I can really see a change from the first photo it will be easier to keep this going.

Last thing: I'm a little jealous of Stephanie because she gets to have her surgery. I'm also excited for her, because I know how much longer she has dealt with this, and how much more she's suffered for it. I'm hoping that we can hit a healthy weight within a few months of each other. That would be pretty cool.

Update

I'm not going to rehash my failures tonight. I will go over some of my feelings, though.

I dropped the ignition key on the floor of the car today, and had to wiggle and finagle until I could get it back. I was winded by the time I sat back up. I felt frustrated and disappointed, and a bit angry. I said, "I have to do a workout tonight."

I did do a workout tonight. It's the first one since last Friday. On Friday I walked just over six miles through the forest at Hocking Hills with Christopher and his class. We did it in about three hours, and it was brutal. I was angry and frustrated during the whole thing, but in retrospect, I had fun. Tonight was a Leslie Sansone DVD. This summer I'm definitely getting out of the house more. 

I had set a goal at the beginning of the year to lose 70 pounds. That's a little over 2 pounds a week. I was going to be thrilled with 50 pounds, but I like to aim high and miss, rather than aim low, and not know how much I could have done. There are 30 weeks and 1 day remaining in the calendar year. If I lose 2 pounds a week, I won't reach that 70 pound goal. That's a tough pace to keep, and I won't be able to do it, which makes me a little mad and a lot sad.

I went through a couple of weeks ago and pulled out a bunch of digital photos of when I was smaller. I noticed that all of them were before my break just after Xander was born. I don't want to blame my meds for my weight, because that wouldn't be all true. But it would definitely appear to be a part of the equation. I talked to my psych doc about my meds and my desire to lose weight. She took me off my Risperdal and Celexa, and put me on Geodon. I remember being on Geodon before, and I loved how I felt. So far, it's been really positive, but I'm not completely done with the Risperdal.

I'm fighting the urge to workout in the morning and again at night, and eat nothing but veggies, and drink nothing but water. I know that going too far the other direction is not a healthy way to lose weight. But I need to do something...

What about now?

My last post is an ongoing post of what I hope to accomplish by losing weight. But another list that I think is important is what I like about myself now. So this post will be an ongoing post answering the question "What will not change?"

• I love my hair. It is long, and a gorgeous brown with a tiny bit of red in it. It's thick and beautiful.
• I love my eyebrows. They are a great shape, and very flattering to my face. They're dark and thick, and look very nice when I take the time to get rid of the strays.
• I love praying for other people. I love that God has given me a passion to pray for others.
• I love how consistent I am with spending time in God's word every night. I'd like to add a morning devotional, but that hasn't happened just yet.
• I love my family, and I'm happy with the relationships I'm edifying.
• I love having big boobs, even if I wish they fit in bras better. I will miss having them when I lose the weight.
• I love my mental abilities. I'm sharp and focused when I have a project, and I love that.
• I love my imagination. I make up stories all the time, and it's a constant source of amusement.
• I love my honesty. I still find myself working very hard not to exaggerate or bend the truth, but I love the strides I've made in that area.
• I love my thankful nature, especially my thanks to God. I anticipate even more praises and thank you's in the coming months and years.

Why?

I've been reading blogs about weight loss, trying to psych myself up, get in the right mindset, and arm myself with information that will help me stick to the goal this time. One of the things that I read, and I remember having a conversation about this with my friend last year, is that you need to positively motivate yourself. So instead of saying, "I look disgusting", I should say, "I want to be thinner." Part of this exercise is making a list of things that you are hoping to achieve by losing weight. So here is my list, and I'll probably be adding to it over the next few weeks and months.

• I will weigh 145, a healthy weight for my height.
• I will fit into the clothes that I wore when I was pregnant with T.
• I will be able to jog a 10 minute mile.
• I will be able to walk 5 miles at a time.
• I will fit into the seats at an amusement park.
• I will sit in our dining room chairs without fearing they will break.
• I will have the energy not to sleep all day.
• I will get a good tan this summer from playing all day outside with my boys.
• My digestive system will be calmer and more regular.
• I will walk without my legs sticking to each other.
• I will shave my legs more often because I can bend over better.
• My back will be stronger because there is less fat pulling it the wrong direction.
• I will have sex more often because I am more attractive to myself and to my husband.
• I will enjoy swimming more often because I am not ashamed.
• I will not stretch the seat belt so far when I am in the car.
• I will eat when I am hungry, and not when I am bored or sad.
• I will be able to lift X without hurting myself.
• I will fit on the toilet seat.
• I will wear shorts and skirts comfortably.
• Bras and underwear will fit more comfortably.
• I will be able to shop at normal stores instead of "plus sized women" stores.
• I will please God with the choices I make in caring for his temple.

Starting Over, Again.

I have decided to start over with my blog. I haven't decided whether to move my old posts to a different blog, hide them, or keep them where they are. I don't want to delete them, as I did a lot of growing through them, but I don't want them to get in the way of my goals.

January 1st, I said that I wanted to lose 70lbs this year. I was going to be very happy if I lost 50, but would rather shoot too high and miss than shoot too low and hamper my progress.

I was wrong.

Instead of losing weight, I have gained 20 pounds. This is not good, obviously. I am not fitting well into any of my pants from last year. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I am tired all the time. I have frequent migraines. I have very little motivation. Part of all this is my desire to get a job. I have interviewed many, many times, and have yet to land a job. I'm discouraged and disappointed. Add to that my weight, which emotionally disgusts me, and I'm not happy at all.

I am drawing a line in the sand. This is as far as I will go in this direction, and I will go no farther.

My new goals are:

1. Lose 10 pounds. I am setting a time limit of one month. That is 2.5 pounds a week. The following goals will support this main goal.
2. No more than 24 oz of soda per day. After that, it's water only. I am currently drinking up to 60oz of soda a day, and that is not healthy.
3. Walk one mile every day. I must do this, whether I am stopping every five minutes to throw up, or whether I am healthy as a horse. I will accept no more excuses.
4. Log my calorie intake and output. This is very easy using MyFitnessPal and my FitBit. It takes very little time, and I am on the computer most of the time anyway. This starts TODAY.
5. Keep this a secret. I realize that most weight loss experts will encourage you to make yourself accountable to other people. I am choosing to be accountable to myself. If I can not do this for myself, when the world is not watching, then I am going to fail. I need this to be my project -- my win or my loss. Hopefully my win and my loss. :-)

I'm starting today. I have already had 12oz of soda, so I can only have one more can today. And I will get my walk in today. I must.

Here's to health -- physical and emotional.

Off track...

1. (weight/fitness) I haven't tracked calories or weighed myself for four days, although I'm planning to do both today. I did work out on Thursday night and Sunday afternoon, but not Wednesday, Friday, or Saturday. Today I have a stomach flu, so I'm not expecting too much.

2. (mental health) I forgot to take my meds Saturday morning. Other than that, I'm on track. I had a friend come stay with me, and that was stressful. Having an extra person around for nearly a week throws off your routine, and routines are very important for people with bipolar disorder. I'm sad to see him go, but eager to get back to my comfortable routine.

3. (parenting) I haven't picked a new book yet. However, I've been practicing somethings I learned from Strong Willed Child by James Dobson. I think that the boys have been easier to handle, and I certainly haven't been quite as exhausted trying to handle them. However, I have been exhausted from other things, and the boys (and my husband, and my friend) wound up getting yelled at a couple of times this past week. That's discouraging, but I will do better for the next week.

A little here, a little there...

1. (weight/fitness) I weighed 216.9 tonight. There are certain extenuating circumstances, but I basically need to be watching what I eat more. I've been splurging a little, and I can definitely tighten the belt a little more, so that I can... ahem... tighten my belt. :D Sorry, I had to. But there are healthier choices I can be making so that I meet my nutritional needs in fewer calories. Also... I could be working out every day, instead of four days a week. I think I will aim for five work outs of at least 40 minutes every week, and 1400 calories a day, instead of 1500. These are moderate, doable changes that can be sustained long term.

2. (mental health) I attended my bipolar group and was much edified. I really get a lot from meeting with these women. We talked about affirmations, and about how we could apply them to our own lives. I was able to share a secret that I have very rarely shared, and found that two other women have been touched by this same thing. It was nice to share and be really understood.

3. (parenting) I finished James Dobson's "Strong Willed Child". I saw a lot of myself and a lot of my oldest in his description of a strong willed child. Also, he helped me see that by letting little things slide, I am setting myself up for yelling and anger later. By doing this, I am eliminating my most effective tools before I get started. So I'm working on using my tools right away, and not yelling at the kiddos. So I met one goal. My next goal in this area is to finish "Bipolar Child".

Making Progress...

1. (weight/fitness) Worked out again today. Set up a schedule of Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday work outs, and Sunday, Wednesday, Saturday as off days. Weight was 216.1 today. Happy with this progress. It's not dropping off quickly (which I do actually kind of want...) but I realize that this is healthy and means that it will be easier to keep the weight off. Still, there is a part of me that would really like to see more instant results. That would be awesome! lol... But the rational part of me has to convince the rest of me that I'm wrong.

2. (mental health) I am looking forward to attending my Bipolar Support group again. Also, I need to find a new therapist, as mine retired. So...

3. (parenting) Finished reading "Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson. Excellent choice for me, and very helpful. I haven't yelled at the kids all day, and I can see that going on much longer. I think this is a book we are going to buy. I see a lot of myself in the child that Dobson describes, and I see my oldest in that child, too. I'm eager (can't believe I'm going to say this!) for our first head to head confrontation, so that I can use some of the techniques he suggests.

Rough going...

1. (weight/fitness) Yesterday (the 14th) was kind of a blah day. I was crabby, and exhausted after a long night with the boys. I did not do a workout, I did not weigh in, and I did not track my calories. Today was a much better day. I wrote down all that I ate, and I made healthy choices today. I also weighed in at 217.6, meaning I've lost 5.9 lbs since Dec. 27th. This is a good rate of loss, and I think I'm doing well. I'm very much enjoying my workouts with EA Active More Workouts. They keep you going and the trainer gives good feedback. This is motivating.

2. (mental health) I'm taking my meds regularly and I'm feeling good. I'm looking forward to being able to attend support group again on Wednesday. I haven't attended the last three due to completely forgetting, and then Chad has had church the last two. The encouragement of the other ladies is good for me. I find myself more motivated to learn things, and I do learn things from these ladies. I invited a friend to come with me, because she also has bipolar, and I hope she will be able to come.

3. (parenting) The last three days have been tough, as the boys have not been sleeping well. Baby went through a growth spurt, and BigBoy got an ear infection. The combination has meant some long nights for Mama. We've had some rough times, but by leaning on my husband, we've been able to make it. We keep each other in check well, which is really encouraging for my marriage. So while my temper has been shorter than I wanted, I think I've parented okay. I had to apologize for yelling last night, and we had to modify the punishment we gave. However, his behavior at school has been very good, and he's been pretty good for us here at home. So I think something is being done right.

All in all, I think for my first goal I'm making great progress. For my second goal, I'm doing okay. For my third goal, I need to step up and buckle down.

Getting there...

1. (weight/fitness) I'm working out nearly every day now, in one form or another. I'm using a combination of Leslie Sansone Walk at Home DVDs, Wii Fit Plus, and Wii Active. Tonight I did my first of 24 workouts in the Wii Active (More Workouts) 6 Week Challenge. I have set new, more realistic goals for myself. I'm hoping to hit 200 lbs by the end of March now, instead of February. I'm currently at 218.4, which means I've lost 5.1 pounds since Dec. 27th. Yay!! I've figured out that I do well with outside motivation. I wouldn't have worked out tonight if my husband hadn't told me to "go for it!" I'm thinking of ways that I can use this to my benefit. If you know any, leave a comment, and I'll be sure to give it a try!

2. (mental health) Working out is affecting my moods, but I'm still logging my thoughts and feelings and sleep habits. I've noticed that this past week I've slept a lot more than I used to. I think part of that has to do with getting sick last week, and part might be a lack of structure. If I plan my time better, I might feel less fatigued. I've also been paying more attention to when I feel the most stressed, and watching out for physical cues of anxiety or mental "snapping". Working out has relieved some of my physical pressure and has lengthened my fuse, so to speak. I haven't felt close to panic attack for a few days now, which is a good achievement.

3. (parenting) As I had expected, elevating my energy level by working out and decreasing my anxiety level have resulted in increased patience with my sons, more awareness of how I am treating them, and a more creative approach to discipline. Tonight I became stressed feeding the youngest, who did NOT want the soup I had prepared for his dinner. By switching places with my husband when I hit my limit, my oldest was able to finish his homework, and the youngest was able to eat his dinner. I did not feel as though I were all alone in that battle, and it helped a lot. I merely swapped one battle for another, but the change of pace, and the feeling of fighting Chad's battle instead of my own, helped a lot. I think I kept a much better hold on my emotions, and our mutual goals were accomplished.

Off target...

1. I have been sick for the last three days. First time in years that I've had just a cold. Usually I take antibiotics and wipe out whatever it is in couple of days. But this isn't an antibiotic kind of thing. It's just a stuffy nose, headache, and some nausea. And weariness. What do I do -- go to the doctor and say, "Doc, my head hurts, and I'm tired"? And he'll say "Here's some Tylenol, take it, drink fluids, and get some rest." Lol... I'll save myself the co-pay. :D

So in an effort to meet my weight loss goals, I have signed up on exercisefriends.com to try to find an exercise buddy. I have not worked out since Tuesday night, but I did work out again tonight (Saturday). I feel better than I have felt, and I'm a little more clear headed. I weighed in tonight, and I am at 220.9. Just about where I was nine days ago. However, I have lost a 1/4 inch off my waist line.

2. I went to see my psychotherapist on Wednesday. She told me that she is semi-retiring, and will only be working for one day a week at a different facility. I am laughing because she is one of a great many doctors/therapists/pastors/friends who have left their practice/facility/job/city since I became a patient or friend. However, she gave me some good papers for helping me to lose weight, and I'm looking forward to a new therapist. I need some guidance, and I need a person who will give me action items. Dian was good at that, and apparently so is John. But I need to actually make contact with him first.

3. I've done little toward my goal of becoming a better parent. I have avoided the kids when I know that I am in a bad mood, but other than that, I've done little other than feed the babies, clothe them, and get them where they need to be when they need to be there. I'll be working on this in the future, but I'm positive that as I improve my mental capacities with exercise and therapy, my parenting skills will come along side.

Any thoughts?

Better late than never?

Well, so much for wanting to post a new blog every two or three days! :D I'll still be trying, but now I've added it to my online to-do list. (Btw... if you are a list-maker, I highly recommend RememberTheMilk.com. It's a free online service that can text you or email when a task is due. You can mark things as complete and view them later. You can postpone, add due dates, repeat tasks, and more! And no... they aren't paying me. :D )

1. My weight last night was 220.5, a healthy weight loss since my last post. I don't remember if I posted this but my first goal is to reach 200lbs by Feb. 28th. At this rate, I have a little over 20lbs to go to reach my goal. I think I can do it. I've worked out every day except for New Year's Eve, and I'm excited about the changes I'm seeing in my body. I've already lost a half inch in my waist, which means that I can tighten my belt a whole new notch! Also, from the library, I borrowed a few books on sustainable weight loss and weight loss with faith as a factor.

2. I checked out a bunch more books about bipolar disorder, specifically about kids and the effects of medication on bipolar kids. I'm eager to see if anything applies to our difficulties with Topher, or if I need to keep searching. I would LOVE to find something written by a Christian author who actually specializes in Bipolar Disorder, so if you happen to know of or come across anything like that, please, leave a comment.

3. I have noticed that when I exercise, I have more patience for the rest of the day, and I think I'm more consistent. This is paying off, in more ways than one. Topher had purposely ripped a hole in his pants, and the next day, colored on the pair we replaced them with. So we set up a chart for him to work off his pants ($12): he got anywhere from a nickel to a dollar for doing small chores around the house. He would run upstairs and grab something for me and get a nickel. He would stand with me and spend an hour drying and putting away dishes (when our dishwasher broke), and got a dollar. He went outside and brought in the recycling bins, 50 cents; raked the yard, 75 cents; picked up all his brother's blocks, a dime. We had done this when he took a pair of scissors to his shirt, and we've had good success. He has been much more respectful toward his clothes. We got him about halfway through his pants chart in about three months, so I made a concentrated effort this Winter Break to find chores for him to do. We did this, and it showed us a few things. 1) Topher is ready for more chores around the house. We need to find something else for him to do regularly. 2) When Topher is busy doing chores, he is not busy getting into trouble. 3) When I am thinking of chores for him to do, I am less likely to yell and more likely to simply give him something else to do. 4) Topher and I like each other better when we're working together toward a common goal.

A New Focus

Hi. It's been a while, I know. Sorry. :D I'm going to be making it a point to blog at least two times a week from now on. But I have a twist: I'm changing my focus. More specifically, I'm giving myself a focus. I am on a quest to take control of my own health. This means that I am 1) taking control of my weight, 2) taking control of my mental health, and 3) taking control of my parenting skills.

My biggest (or at least, most visible) goal, is to lose weight. At my highest, I weighed 235. I have lost about 13 pounds this year, and I am wanting to boost that loss. I have bought several aerobic walking videos, and will be using EA Sports Active and More Workouts, and Wii Fit and Wii Fit Plus to help me work out. These incorporate aerobics, anaerobics, and strength training (resistance training) to help me burn calories and get fit. My first goal is to lose 10% of my body weight by the end of February. That means that I will be down to 200 pounds even on February 28th. My favorite goal in this arena is to lose 50 pounds by my birthday, so that on May 30th, I will weigh 175. This will put me just outside my healthy weight range. My target weight is 145.

My next goal is a little less visible. I want to take control of my mental health. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about three years ago, and so was my oldest son about a year ago. I want to find out more about this disease and how I can treat it without medication -- and if that is possible for me. My physical goal will help in this goal, because being at a healthy weight will make doses lower, and being physically fit will improve mental function in many other ways. My goal right now is to read two books: Bipolar Child and Bipolar Handbook, and to see if there are any actionable items in those books.

My third goal is to work on my parenting. I find myself tired and stressed out at the end of the day, and praying that I won't have to take the kiddos out anywhere. I need to get control of my parenting skills so that I actually enjoy being around my sons more often. I don't like watching the clock for bedtime so that I can get something done. This isn't how life should be, and I'm not going to let myself accept it any longer. I am starting by reading Parenting From the Heights.

So in the future my posts will look something like this (the following is a real example):

1) I have worked out for at least 50 minutes for three days in a row now. My weight tonight at 9:40pm was 222.4, down 1.1 lbs from yesterday. I don't want to lose quite so quickly: my goal is 2.6 lbs a week. This will help me lose the weight healthily. I want to be making lifestyle changes, not just momentary ones. I want to keep this weight off, so I will take my time and do it right. After walking, I feel energized and ready to go. My brain feels fired up, and my core temperature is much higher, keeping me warmed up and ready to do other things around the house, instead of going back to bed.

2) I checked out Bipolar Child and Bipolar Handbook from the library, and have started reading Bipolar Child. It's interesting how many of these qualities I see in my own memories of my childhood, as well as in my oldest son. Poor baby. But I comfort myself that by my taking control of my mental health now, I am also taking control of his, and will be able to teach him, and help him grow in a way that will be pleasing to God.

3) I started reading Parenting From the Heights, and am enjoying what I read. I want to focus on the other two books right now, because they are library books and must go back, but I am excited to really get into the meat of PftH. Today I felt much calmer, and was able to pick my battles more readily and to win all the ones I chose. Yay!

I hope that I will be an encouragement to someone, and if I am, please let me know by leaving a comment!!

Breast Cancer in the family tree...

My birth mother called me last night with some bad news. She has been diagnosed with breast cancer. They don't know if it's malignant or benign. It's growing so fast that they want to operate as soon as possible. So they skipped the biopsy and will do that after the right mastectomy. In Mom's case, she has had a small lump since second grade (more than 35 years), and they said it was fatty lypoma, no worries. Well, in less than two months that tiny M&M sized lump covered her whole right breast. They're pretty sure that a mastectomy will get rid of it all -- that it hasn't spread to her left breast or her lymph nodes.

Neither of us have really hit the scared stage. We're just... stunned, I think. And grieving. She says "I don't know how I'm going to look at myself in the mirror and see only one breast." Not because she's vain... but breasts are part of who you are as a woman. It'd be like shaving half your head -- forever. Sure, half a wig would cover it, but it wouldn't be the same. Her pre-op consultation is scheduled for the 12th, so if you pray, please pray for her that day.

So I am going to call my doctor and talk to her. I know already that I have dense breast tissue (which is a factor), and I have Crohn's Disease (also a factor, and inherited from Mom). I'm not freaking -- yet. I wanted to blog about this, but now I find that I haven't processed enough to have anything to say!

Beating the Crazies...

Now to answer my friend's question. "What do you do to beat the crazies when you are stuck at home alone with the kids?"

First off... I don't stay home alone. We are blessed to live four blocks from a park. So we walk to the park. Even though most of the time BigBoy has complained enough that by the time we get there, we have to turn right back around. It still gets us out of the house. You've changed your routine a little, and presto! You've beat the crazies.

Second... I like to join a mom's group in the area. Preferably one with an Internet presence. Just as not all moms are alike, not all mom's groups are alike. (And for those grammar geeks like me... this is Mom's group, not Dad's group or Joe's group or Jane's group. So the apostrophe belongs inside the "s". LOL) I like the Internet part because you can post to the board (or whatever) a message like "I'm going to Burger King at Illinois and Scott around 11:30a. I'll probably be there about an hour. Love to see you there!" And some of the other moms might think "Hey, that sounds like fun. Entertainment, soda with free refills, and grown ups to talk to! I'll be there!" Presto! You've beat the crazies for another two hours.

Third... Find a restaurant with a play room and GO THERE. I've met several moms with kids my sons' ages at our local Burger King. So, built in entertainment, built in playmates, and built in grown up time. And presto! You've beat the crazies.

Fourth... Get on the Internet. Twitter, FaceBook (MySpace if you're desperate), and (a new favorite of mine) Omegle all provide people to talk to, network with, etc. Omegle is kind of cool because it sets you up with a total stranger. Doesn't work out? Just Omegle again! Twitter lets you chat with people in your area or around the world, and you can search by location, interests, or current buzz words. FaceBook lets you play games, chat, fiddle with pictures, etc.

Fifth... Have an awesome hubby like mine who realizes that for every night that he gets away from the kids, you get one too. Or make your hubby an amazing man like mine. :D In all gravity, remember that your husband is the father of your children (maybe not biologically, but he is part of their life now!!). You undercut his authority and his influence in their lives if you never trust him to put them to bed by himself. Don't let your husband get away with that!! So what if they forget to brush their teeth one night? You'll do it in the morning anyway, right? So what if they go to bed with their shirts on backward or no socks on their feet? Whatever is medically necessary (as in, your child will die without his heart alarm or breathing treatment) remind him of, then LEAVE THE HOUSE!! Go for a walk during bedtime if you don't plan to go somewhere. But trust him. He loves your kids as much as you do, and he will not kill them by wrestling too much before bed. You have one less chore at night -- let's face it. Putting the munchkins to bed can definitely be a chore. And your kids get needed time with Dad. (BY THE WAY... this applies to mothers, mothers-in-law, and babysitters whom you've hired. If you don't trust the person you've hired to safeguard your child's life... well, we need to have a talk. In another post maybe...) You've changed your routine and presto! You've beat the crazies.

Sixth... Be active in your community. You will meet other people, learn cool things, and teach your children responsibility. Pick up one of those free newsletters at the Library or a Library Program Guide and circle all the free activities you can do. Pick at least one a week, and do it. We like StoryTime Fridays, Playgroup Wednesdays, and Movie Mondays. And I'm not sure why I listed the week backward there... You've built a routine (I know! I know! I'm full of contradictions) and presto! You've beat the crazies!

What about you other moms? What do you do to beat the crazies?

Where I've been, What I've been doing, and With whom I've been doing it...

A friend asked me today how I beat the crazies when I'm home alone with my kids all the time. And I gave her a few suggestions, but one that I forgot to mention (and must remember to tell her later) is to join an online community.

Recently I started Twittering. Yes, it's true. I am officially crazy. :D See, I like to blog, because I imagine that I have this vast audience intently hanging on my every word. I like to imagine them languishing when I don't post for several days (or months!) at a time. But the truth is... my blog is kind of sad. :D I was gone for several months, and none of my friends commented or noticed. (By the way, I don't mind.)

However, Twittering has led me to a whole host of other moms, with similar tastes and problems. So I tweet back and forth, and before I know it, I'm reading a blog. And then I follow a link through the comments to another blog. And another. So now I'm reading the blogs of about 10 different mothers, and I'm going crazy with my bookmarks. Then I discovered the glory of Google Reader. Yay!!

So now, I will be blogging more. And I think it will be better. :D

Wow

Can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged here. Actually, since I've blogged at all.

Lately I'm into Mini-blogging using Twitter. It's great. My username there is EllaJo08.

I just passed a big test for school. Now I am Security+ certified.

And in case you haven't checked in via other ways... I have two sons now.

Stinker will be one tomorrow. I can't believe it.
Booger will be five Feb. 3rd. Again, I can't believe it.

Not working right now. Just trying to keep the house in one piece. (lol...)

Tired, and want to play on Neopets. Look for me there as EllaJo08 again. My favorite of my pets is EllaJosie. :D

Later,
ME