Why?

I've been reading blogs about weight loss, trying to psych myself up, get in the right mindset, and arm myself with information that will help me stick to the goal this time. One of the things that I read, and I remember having a conversation about this with my friend last year, is that you need to positively motivate yourself. So instead of saying, "I look disgusting", I should say, "I want to be thinner." Part of this exercise is making a list of things that you are hoping to achieve by losing weight. So here is my list, and I'll probably be adding to it over the next few weeks and months.

• I will weigh 145, a healthy weight for my height.
• I will fit into the clothes that I wore when I was pregnant with T.
• I will be able to jog a 10 minute mile.
• I will be able to walk 5 miles at a time.
• I will fit into the seats at an amusement park.
• I will sit in our dining room chairs without fearing they will break.
• I will have the energy not to sleep all day.
• I will get a good tan this summer from playing all day outside with my boys.
• My digestive system will be calmer and more regular.
• I will walk without my legs sticking to each other.
• I will shave my legs more often because I can bend over better.
• My back will be stronger because there is less fat pulling it the wrong direction.
• I will have sex more often because I am more attractive to myself and to my husband.
• I will enjoy swimming more often because I am not ashamed.
• I will not stretch the seat belt so far when I am in the car.
• I will eat when I am hungry, and not when I am bored or sad.
• I will be able to lift X without hurting myself.
• I will fit on the toilet seat.
• I will wear shorts and skirts comfortably.
• Bras and underwear will fit more comfortably.
• I will be able to shop at normal stores instead of "plus sized women" stores.
• I will please God with the choices I make in caring for his temple.

Starting Over, Again.

I have decided to start over with my blog. I haven't decided whether to move my old posts to a different blog, hide them, or keep them where they are. I don't want to delete them, as I did a lot of growing through them, but I don't want them to get in the way of my goals.

January 1st, I said that I wanted to lose 70lbs this year. I was going to be very happy if I lost 50, but would rather shoot too high and miss than shoot too low and hamper my progress.

I was wrong.

Instead of losing weight, I have gained 20 pounds. This is not good, obviously. I am not fitting well into any of my pants from last year. I feel awful physically and emotionally. I am tired all the time. I have frequent migraines. I have very little motivation. Part of all this is my desire to get a job. I have interviewed many, many times, and have yet to land a job. I'm discouraged and disappointed. Add to that my weight, which emotionally disgusts me, and I'm not happy at all.

I am drawing a line in the sand. This is as far as I will go in this direction, and I will go no farther.

My new goals are:

1. Lose 10 pounds. I am setting a time limit of one month. That is 2.5 pounds a week. The following goals will support this main goal.
2. No more than 24 oz of soda per day. After that, it's water only. I am currently drinking up to 60oz of soda a day, and that is not healthy.
3. Walk one mile every day. I must do this, whether I am stopping every five minutes to throw up, or whether I am healthy as a horse. I will accept no more excuses.
4. Log my calorie intake and output. This is very easy using MyFitnessPal and my FitBit. It takes very little time, and I am on the computer most of the time anyway. This starts TODAY.
5. Keep this a secret. I realize that most weight loss experts will encourage you to make yourself accountable to other people. I am choosing to be accountable to myself. If I can not do this for myself, when the world is not watching, then I am going to fail. I need this to be my project -- my win or my loss. Hopefully my win and my loss. :-)

I'm starting today. I have already had 12oz of soda, so I can only have one more can today. And I will get my walk in today. I must.

Here's to health -- physical and emotional.