Monday, October 23, 2006

I'm Back!!

Yes, I realize that it has been over a month since I last posted. Sorry about that. If you're around me on a day to day basis... well, you know why. If not, then you really won't care.

That being said... I have about a thousand and twelve thoughts running around in my head, and I want to get a few of them out.

1. Went to a wedding in Atlanta at the end of last month. It was fun. I really enjoyed the drive down. And I really, really miss living in mountains. I lived in mountains almost all of my life before I moved to Indiana. I lived in the Appalachian Mountains first, more specifically, the Blue Ridge Mountains. Then I lived in the Ozarks. Then the Rockies. Then the Ozarks again. Thanks to the mountains, I love both autumn and Mountain Dew.
2. Did some landscaping in my front yard, and I am totally psyched about the way it looks. I also have about 15 rose bushes planted, and am eager to see them in bloom next summer. Ahh... roses.
3. I got a new job today. You'd think I'd be more excited about it. I'm going to be working at a couple of Dairy Queen's in my area. They just opened a new store so I will be training at that one and the old one. I'm eager to get out of the house, actually get a paycheck, and to meet new people. But, well, I've done this job before. Maybe not Dairy Queen, but elsewhere. I'm disappointed that I didn't get a job in computers or data entry or administrative work. I'm hoping, however, that I will be able to stay with Dairy Queen for a good long while, and that I will be promoted soon (the chick who owns the stores is looking for a manager and thinks that she likes my style).
4. I'm looking forward to NaNoWriMo again. Yay!! I won't be posting this year's work on MySpace. I really liked using LiveJournal last year, and I think I will again this year. I'm really excited about finishing the novel I started last year.
5. I was cleaning a little bit tonight, and I got distracted. Surprise, surprise. I found an old journal from when I was in tenth grade. It's really weird to read the things I was going through... the feelings, the hopes, the goals. The weirdest thing about it, though, was to see how little my feelings and goals have changed in the last six, almost seven years.
This particular journal chronicles my desire to date, and my desire to be a part of a real family. Now, at the moment I'm not trying to figure out if I like anyone enough to date them; but I am trying to strengthen the relationships I already have. And I'm not trying to find a family anymore... but I am trying to figure out how to be a part of my family, even though I'm two hours away and ten years older than my oldest sibling. It just struck me that I am closer in age to my mom than to my youngest brother, and I have three younger sisters after him!
6. My pastor last week said that there are three relationships that no Christian can be without. 1) Brothers and Sisters -- a small group of friends who are willing to take the journey of faith with you. 2) an Accountability Partner -- a single person to whom you are, well, accountable. They strengthen and encourage you, and you do the same for them. This is a person with whom you can share all your faults, all your secrets, and know that you won't be judged. And 3) a Mentor -- a single person who has been where you are; someone to guide you on your faith journey.
He challenged us to write a name down beside each of these titles. And I realized... I have no Accountability Partner, nor a Mentor. Then pastor broke the Accountability Partner into three persons: a local person with whom you share at least weekly, if not more often; a regional person to whom you can escape for a few days when you need it, and who will help you get your head on straight; and a national person who is maybe a state or two away, who can offer an objective view on crises in your life. Interestingly enough, I believe that I do have a national accountability partner. I have a friend who just finished his counseling degree at Columbia Bible School in one of the Carolinas. He and I often trade objective views on things going on. We're not the best of friends, and I could never go to Carolina if I had a problem, but I trust him and his opinions.
I suppose that my parents could be classified as both my mentors, and my regional accountability partners… if I worked toward that goal. But, well, at the moment our relationship is not that strong. We get along okay, but I still feel some tension when we're together, or when we talk on the phone. I still feel that a lot of our relationship is me reaching toward them, and I would like to see a little more two-way communication happening.
I did have a good friend that I would have called my accountability partner, but we've drifted apart somewhat in the last year or so. She is busy with work and her child, and I am busy with finding work and my own child. And I know that if I were really in a pinch, I have a friend in Tennessee that I could stay with if I needed a short escape to get my head on straight. I find myself thinking of High School, when I had friendships and partners in abundance. And I am disappointed to find that many of those relationships have disintegrated to some degree.
At any rate, last week's sermon only served to magnify the loneliness that I have been feeling recently.
7. I find more and more that I am falling incredibly short of my goals. I wanted to finish college, and I haven't logged on in so long that I have to retake my three most recent courses. It's not really a big deal, but it's definitely not a good sign, either. It's taken me forever to find a job, and it's not really what I wanted. I find myself absorbed more and more in T.V. shows and books -- in short, I am reverting to a life of fantasy. I am willing to live any life but my own at this point. I desperately need to take a big step -- and at this point, it doesn't matter where I take the step, so long as I'm going somewhere.
8. It's that time of year again... the one where I try to reach out to old friends... the one where I long to know something, anything, about my origins. And I'm not sure where to start... or even if I should start. How many times can I dredge up an old friendship before what it used to be gets lost in what I am trying to make it? I mean... can you ever truly "renew" a friendship? At what point do you finally say "what was, was, and never will be again"?

Eek... well, I guess I've said enough for tonight. Well, when it rains, it pours.

A Rant

How could you? I just don't get it. Your actions mystified me, and what mystifies me even more is that you didn't even try to explain or rationalize. You literally tore me in two, and somehow I was just supposed to cope with that. I mean... who on earth was I supposed to share with? My world was falling to pieces, and then you put that on me. And if I had shared... well my world would have still fallen to pieces, only everyone would know. They all ended up knowing anyway. You said that I was important to you, that I was special. And yet, when it came down to it, you didn't listen to a word I said. You'd think that with everything I'd been through to that point, with all the things I'd witnessed and been a part of, you'd think my opinion would have mattered. Especially if I was everything to you that you said I was. And yet... you blew me off. You didn't even entertain my words -- my heart was poured out to you, time and time again, and you didn't see -- didn't even care to see. And after all that... after everything was done imploding, it exploded. And you were angry with me. How could you be? Why did you blame me -- you still do, you know. I still feel your pain, and your blame... after all this time, you still blame me for everything that happened -- why did you blame me for seeking comfort elsewhere? How could you be upset that I ran to someone else? Like you had anything to offer me. I spent months pouring out my heart and my life for you... and you spent months throwing it away. And when I finally couldn't anymore -- when there was nothing left for me to give you, or anyone else for that matter -- you got mad that I gave up. You gave up before it even started, and yet I did you wrong. How could you? How could you do that to me? to yourself!?

Have you ever had something happen -- something really big -- and you didn't respond to it right away? Well, five years ago this season, something big happened to me. And I didn't really react. I mean, I did... and other people saw it. But it didn't sink in. The other night, I woke up and finally reacted to what happened. Do you ever have conversations in your mind that you know are never going to happen in real life, but it makes you feel just a little bit better? Well... this is me, trying to have that conversation, and not just let it sit in my mind. This message will probably never get where it's going... but I'm hoping that at least it's gone.