It's a Wonderful Life

Today, not one, not two, but three amazing things happened for me.

First, my son peed and pooped on the potty!! Hooray!! I bugged him all morning, and finally, right after lunch and right before his nap, he sat on the potty!! I'm so very proud of him. This is the first time that he has pooped on the potty for real. On his birthday he got just a tiny bit, but not even trying. It just kind of fell off his toosh. :D But today, he actively tried and succeeded to use the toilet!! I'm so proud of my big boy!!

Second, the mail came. We had ordered a replacement for the library book my dog so kindly ate for me, and now I can finish the story!! I know this is trivial, but seriously, I had just stopped in the middle of a really intense part. I'm so excited to finish it!! It'll probably wait until Wednesday, but still!!!

And third, I got to work tonight!! I flew like never before. Our goal was 850 pieces an hour, and my highest was 1277. My lowest was 960. I did great!! I'm not really bragging; I'm just very proud of myself. I work hard, and I do a good job. I didn't have to recount a single area tonight!! I'm so excited to see that I'm getting better. The more I work, the more I like this job. That in itself is such a blessing!! Plus (knock on wood), my stomach isn't acting up!! I think I can keep this job as part-time for quite a while!!

Another good (but not quite amazing) thing that happened was that my teacher sent my work back to me, and she really loved it. We had evaluate ourselves, and I evaluated myself pretty highly. I wrote down where I could improve, but asserted that I felt I was already demonstrating the skills they hope us to have learned by the end of the course. The teacher laughed, but agreed with me. I know that it's only because I've already taken similar courses twice, but still. I'm glad to see that I'm not coming across as condescending.

On a separate note entirely...
I had a friend inform me that when I spoke to some of my coworkers on Saturday, I had come across as condescending. That really disappointed me. I have always had to work very hard on that, and I'm disappointed to hear that I'm not doing as well anymore as I thought I had been. I need to start thinking about it a little more often, and listening to the tone of my voice.

Saturday I had an incident I didn't really understand. There was a girl who was downloading some info at work, and I was waiting for her to finish. I said something that implied she was taking too long, and I hurt her feelings. When I think about it, I was actually quite rude. I'm not sure why I was so rude to her, and there is no excuse for it. I apologized tonight and told her that I was very sorry that I was so rude. She said, "Yeah, you were rude. It really made me mad at you. I'm glad you apologized, but you were really, really rude." I agreed and told her I had no excuse. What I didn't understand is *why* I was so rude to her. And why she was so rude to me that day, and tonight.

And all of a sudden it hit me... We had had a cat fight!! Minor, but still!! Yesterday I called in sick for work because I was all crampy and bloating. And tonight she was running around seeing if anyone had a tampon. We were both PMSing, and neither of us realized it. We both laughed about it at the end of our shift tonight, because now we both knew part of why we had acted so out of character for us. I wonder if we are kind of like dogs -- we subconsciously recognize when another woman is about to start, and we get defensive and catty. I don't know...

Well, I'm tired, and I'm going to bed now. Good night!!

Desire of my heart...

Today I am sad.

Psalm 37:4-7a weighs heavily on my heart.
"4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;"

That last part is really, really hard. I find myself being envious of some of my friends a little bit today. Yet I look at some of my other friends, and I think how selfish I am. How can I think that God would bless me before these others?

I've wanted this for so long. And I've prayed for it so many times. I feel like I've been working at it for forever. Every month comes and goes; and every month my heart breaks all over again. This month I thought for sure that God would give me what I've been asking. I've never felt more in tune with His desires for my life. And yet... Apparently I don't know Him as well as I think I do. Because everyday He reminds me that His answer is "no" or "not yet." And part of me is really mad because I don't know which it is.

If I knew what His answer was, I could move on. I could keep waiting if only I knew... I don't understand why Sarah laughed when God said He would keep his promise. At least she knew the answer to her prayer. She just didn't believe. Me... I believe, but I don't know the answer.

Father,
Still my heart today. Apply your peace and love to the wound You've allowed to grow. And Father, I can't help but to ask one more time... Please? You know my heart, and perhaps this is why You do not grant my request. Please provide a comfortor for my spirit. Provide a person to be the balm for my soul. Father, I need a kindred friend. Thank you for providing for my needs.
Amen.

A little talk

I stand here, waiting for you to arrive. I invited you here today because I have something that I want to say to you, and I wanted to be sure you were available to listen. You're my friend, and I want to be open with you, honest. I'm trying so hard. I see your car pull up, and you get out. You approach me, and we hug. Then you fidget just a little, and look at me expectingly.

"Friend, I..." I look up at you. You are waiting to hear what I have to say, waiting to hear why I've brought you here today. I know I sounded funny when we last spoke -- kind of urgent and a little stressed. You're thinking the worst, and I'm not doing much to allay your fears. I'm not sure how to say this. I'm not sure what you will think when you hear what I want. "Well, I need to ask you a favor."

You nod your head and hum a little sound, encouraging me to continue. You've always been so understanding. You generally grant what I ask of you. You share your heart with me, and I share mine with you. And each time we meet, we part as better friends. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous to say this. You'll help me through it; I know.

"If you happen to speak to my parents," I slowly speak the words, carefully phrasing them to convey the right meaning. I don't want you to feel you have to speak to my parents. I don't know if you ever do. I don't know what your relationship is like with them. I haven't asked. I'm afraid of hearing that you are closer to my parents than I am, that you have spoken to them more recently than I. "Please don't tell them about this journal, or my LiveJournal."

Now I'm watching you expectantly. What are you thinking? I can see you mulling this over in your mind, however briefly. And I don't know if I should explain. I take a breath and open my mouth to begin, and then I change my mind and close my mouth without uttering a sound. I'm waiting for you to ask why. I'm deciding what to tell you... how to explain this odd request.

I realize that I am saying one thing and doing another. I want to be a more open and honest person, and yet I am hiding things from my parents. I will share things with you, whom I haven't spoken to in so long, but I won't share them with my family? How do I reconcile this request with my conscience? What am I thinking? What is my reasoning? I can see all of these questions, and more, forming within your brain.

I feel as though I can't hold it in anymore. You've been quiet for a split second, but it has felt like an eternity to me. I have to explain. I have to know what you think. I'm afraid the words will come pouring out, and I won't be able to control them... The thoughts are thundering through my brain, and I don't know where they're all coming from. I imagine that I'm saying it all, and I hear a tiny little voice that isn't even mine. I don't recognize the words being spoken in my imagination, yet I know they're mine. I've been pondering them for so long that they must be mine.

I'm just getting back on a solid ground with them. I love them and I'm afraid of hurting my mom. My dad too, but especially my mom. I don't know how to tell them about things that they diapprove of. I'm always afraid that they will be disappointed, that they won't like what they hear. I'm afraid that if I tell them the real truth... the stuff I've shoved so far deep down inside my heart that I don't even remember it all... if I tell them all of that, what will they say. Will they sit there, stunned? Will Mom get mad? Will Dad try to reason with me?

Basically... I'm afraid that they'll stop coming up. I'm afraid they'll stop answering the phone when I call. I'm afraid that I will never go to Grandma or Grandpa's again. I'm afriad that my son will be afraid of them. I'm afraid that I will always disappoint them, that I will hurt them again. I want our relationship to be good; I want it to be strong. But if I tell them when I'm angry, they might not understand and they might think it's an always thing.

As I think about all of this I also imagine your response. I imagine you'd tell me that my parents love me and that they will not judge me like that. You'd tell me that of course you won't tell them, but you will be praying that I find the words and the courage to tell them myself. I'm praying that as well.

So... now I'm asking...

Friend, thanks for coming. I asked you to come because I...
Well, I need to ask you a favor.
If you see my parents, please don't mention my blog.

And I sit here typing and I am dying... What is your response?

To sum up...

Today I got a lot done. I woke up and I went to see my therapist. We had a great talk, and decided that I don't need to see him every week, only once a month. So we're really excited to see that I've made so much progress in the last seven weeks. I went from falling apart to fairly together. I have a little homework -- I need to journal every day, and keep up on the things I've learned about myself. I'm so excited to watch as I tackle things I couldn't before, that I think I will really enjoy keeping up, reminding myself, and continuing to grow.

I got the affidavit signed and sent at the bank. That took a good long time. I also got three more assignments done at school. I'm done with six, and nine was supposed to be turned in yesterday. I have four weeks to do seven and eight, nine, and ten. I think I can do it!! :D

My mentor called today and we're redoing the school program again. I think it's really going to benefit me even more this time. Plus, I get a 20% discount for four terms. That's almost like getting one term for free!! I hope to be done in two more terms, and that will save us some money, too. :D


I got the dishwasher emptied, and I lost a half pound. I didn't exercise today, and I didn't follow my diet at all. But I still feel good, and I didn't overeat. My weight will probably be up tomorrow morning, but that's okay. I'll bring it back down tomorrow. :D I love that I'm not beating myself up over today. I love that I splurged a little, but it doesn't mean that all my goals and plans came crashing down.

I'm getting to know my son's sitter better, and I think that there might be a real friendship there in a while. We're slowly getting to know each other, and I think it's good. I need more female friends in my life.

Ziggie and I had a semi-date tonight. We sat together on the sofa and watched Independence Day. It's been almost a year and a half since I've seen it, and we were both craving some action and drama. We drank just a little from our Christmas stash, and I'm just buzzed enough to be a little more relaxed than usual, but I'm not hampered or sick.

I have a huge store to do tomorrow. If we don't show, we're immediately terminated. over 150 of us counting, and it'll still take ten hours tomorrow and eight on Sunday night. Can you say "BIG CHECK"? I'm so glad that I like this job, or I would be really devastated. I'm not eager to hear everyone else complaining tomorrow. I really don't understand that trend. Why get a job if you're just going to complain the whole time? Either appreciate the check and do your best to get out of there quicker, or shut up and QUIT!! Sorry... mini-rant there...

So to sum up my day... I feel accomplished. I feel productive. I feel useful.

Father,
Thank you for the time with my family today. Thank you for my happy son. Thank you that school is coming together for me and they are really making the program fit my needs. Thank you for providing such a wonderful caregiver for my son when I can't be there. Father, I pray that you will use me in her life... let me touch her and bring her toward You. Thank you for this opportunity. Please don't let me waste it. Please help her and her husband to make ends meet. Make us useful in her life, and not a burden. Father, bless our work tomorrow. Help it to go quickly and accurately, so we can spend time with our families. Thank you, Father. Father... I love you. Please don't let me forget.
Amen.

Introspection...

"There are reasons behind every action. We may not even know why we react the way we do, but with patience and a willinness to get to the heart of the matter we can grow past those instinctual responses and eventually catch, and even stop, ourselves in the middle of one of our self-destructive patterns. It is this taking hold of our emotions that is going to stop us from perpetuating the abuse. Maybe the next time we feel the old pattern start up, we will be able to recognize those feelings before they explode and cause us to hurt ourselves..."

This is a quote from the book Body Clutter by Marla Cilley and Leanne Ely, page 200, and FlyLady (Marla) is the one writing at the time.

I've been seeing a therapist since the middle of January. I had several panic attacks in the space of three hours, and I knew that I couldn't handle it alone. So I called my pastor and talked to him, and he said that while he would certainly pray with me and for me, I needed help beyond what he could give. He gave me the number of a clinic that he knew was God-centered and that he had worked with a little in the past. I called them in one of my attacks and they said, call your doctor now. I called my doctor who talked with me and said that while he would give me some medicine for now, he would need proof that I was seeing a therapist or counselor before he would give me more or establish a routine for me.

So I've been seeing this guy, and he's helping me to recognize what can set off my moments of anxiety. Actually, he's been trying to help, and while I go through the motions and things seem better, I haven't actually gotten what he was saying until I read this paragraph. The paragraph is talking about weight specifically, and our instinct to eat when we are upset, angered, or stressed. But as I thought about it, I realized... I don't eat when I'm stressed. In fact, I tend to fast when I'm stressed. This is a self-destructive pattern that I established when I was very little. As I thought about this evening when I had been stressed, I recognized some other patterns.

Most of the time when I begin to feel anxious, my immediate response is to completely shut down. I freeze, and I yell to make someone stop whatever is overwhelming me. I will stand in the middle of the kitchen and yell at my husband, "TURN it off, PICK him up, and come STIR this for me!! I can't HANDLE it all!!" Instead of dealing with one stimulus at a time, I make someone else do it all for me while I decompress. The last few weeks, I have subconsciously noticed when I begin to feel anxious, instead of waiting for it all to bubble over. I can tell my husband, please pause the tv or turn it down while I do this." And he will do it immediately. He's very good about it actually.

And I realized tonight as I read the book, that there are certain physical cues. Mr. L has been asking me to journal and find these, and I sit here and think... I don't know that I can't handle it until I just can't handle it anymore. He asked me to journal each day, and I would sit and stare at the screen, not knowing where to begin or what to write.

But I GOT it this evening!! There are tiny little cues. My eyes will start to blur, just a little, as though my glasses have slipped down my nose. I often will push my glasses up, unconsciously. My breath will come a little shorter and a little faster. I will feel as though I couldn't blow out a candle if someone asked me to. I don't notice these things at once, if ever. My lower back will begin to hurt just a little, as though I am carrying a heavy backpack. My forehead will begin to hurt ever so slightly, as though my ponytail is too tight. Slowly my body will respond to the mental stress I am feeling in physical ways, until all of a sudden I have a blistering headache, my back is killing me, I can't see, and I can't breathe.

By ignoring these tiny signs all my life, I have created a pattern -- one that robs my brain of oxygen, robs my extremities of oxygen, increases my blood pressure and my heart rate, and if I keep it up, will eventually literally cause the death of me!!

The last two weeks, I will sense that I am beginning to be stressed only by keeping track of my stimuli. I will not let Hubbie talk to me if Baby is screaming. If I am carrying on a conversation, I don't have the TV or radio on. I ask Hubbie to pause or turn down the volume. I ask for help even when I don't think I need it. I haven't actually stopped myself in the middle, I've merely been avoiding the issue. NO wonder I couldn't journal about my thoughts and feelings!!

And tonight... I actually stopped in the middle of a thought and said, I'm blowing it out of proportion!! I don't need to stop everything at once. I was cooking spaghetti and my son was yelling about how hungry he was, and my husband was bringing in groceries, and the dog was running around, and I was trying to put things away so that my husband had a place to put more things. And all of a sudden, I realized, TOO MUCH IS GOING ON!! Rather than freezing or yelling, I simply took care of the first thought that came to me... I turned down the heat on the boiling water. Then I pulled out a chair and gave my son some cheese. I put the dog in his kennel, but didn't lock the door. And I threw away the empty bags on the counter. Then I went back to the spaghetti and did what needed done. Then I helped put things away. I told my son where the crackers were and helped him to go sit by Daddy while I finished what I needed to do. I finished our dinner before even beginning my son's. I broke it down in my mind, automatically, and made it manageable. I don't think I've ever done that before. And I don't think Ziggie even noticed what was going on in my mind!!

I'm so proud of myself for that breakthrough, and I'm excited to show this entry to my therapist tomorrow!!

Yay me!!

In other news, I got another assignment done tonight, and I exercised hard for 25 minutes, ten minutes longer than the past three days!! I feel great!! I am so proud of myself, and I am so thankful that God has been working in my heart and my mind.

Father,
Thank you for making me strong enough to do what needs to be done. Thank you for slowly inundating me with the tools I need to not explode. Thank you for providing such a helpful husband and obedient child today. Thank you for the peace you have given me about some of my past. Thank you for helping me to take things step by step today and to get so much done.
Father, you know that I am wanting to be a better daughter. And thank you for reminding me to spend time with you. You have showed me today how much you love me, and how much mercy you have shown me. You are indeed such a great God, nothing is beyond you. I praise you for your kindness. I praise you for your supremacy. I truly want you to reign in my mind, and in my very being.
I love you, Father. Please don't let me forget it, or to take your love for granted. Thank you.
Amen.

A confession

I want you (my friends, family, and readers) to know that when I wrote the entry about my first family, I was in the midst of a deep angst. I miss them and love them, and I'm hurt by their response toward me. But I have accepted that (for the most part) and I don't think about it daily, or even weekly. Just every now and then I am overcome with a sadness for them. Usually I find that is an excellent time to pray for them. But every now and then I respond sinfully and become angry at them. This is a sin because I have already forgiven them, and to bring it up again is not right.

I'm feeling pretty good today. I feel like celebrating... I'm not sure why!! I feel like today is going to be amazing, and I'm so happy!! My son slept in a little, and I feel amazing!! I slept okay last night, and I don't think I'm even going to need a nap. The SlimFast tastes amazing!!

HEY!! It's lunchtime!! Yay!!!

Topher is feeling awesome. I love it when he's in this mood.

Dear Father,
Thank you for today. Thank you for my good mood. Thank you for my son. Thank you. Thank you that lunch tastes great! Thank you for all I've accomplished today. Thank you for being so great!! Thank you, Father.
Amen.

Heavy Weights and Feather Weights...

I know I've posted some heavy stuff on my blog lately. I'm not apologizing... per se. I am sorry if it's caused you angst or bothered you. But I am not apologizing for posting it. :D I've been really wrestling with some stuff lately. Writing is so cathartic for me.

Now for some light stuff!!

The other night I worked again. I am really loving this job!! We were supposed to get 450 pieces an hour, and my highest was 523 an hour. My average at the end was 509 an hour!! I'm so thrilled!! I love being good at this. Plus, I get my first paycheck on Friday, and it was a lot more than I expected!!

My schoolwork is coming along. I could really use some encouragement sometimes... I keep procrastinating and then I have to cram 2 months of assignments into two weeks. :D It's my own fault, I know. I really do think better in short blocks of time like this. If I were to draw this out it's entire length, I would have forgotten what I did two weeks ago, and had to go back and reread it all. Now all I have to do is remember what I read yesterday!! :D I am really loving school, and I'm eager to get into the actual computer stuff!!

I have to mend a bunch of pants today and I don't really want to. I need to change the sheets on the bed. And I need to vacuum the bedroom.

I've been working on losing weight. I've got 32 pounds to go!! The doctor says he'd like me to lose about 15 a month. :D I think I can do it!! I've been exercising for at least fifteen minutes for the last two days, and I always feel better when I'm done. It seems that the more I lose, the better my tummy feels. I know that this won't last forever, but once I get down to my ideal weight, I'm eager to see how I'll feel. I started the Meijer brand of SlimFast today, and I'm amazed. This stuff really tastes great!! I really want more, and I know I shouldn't. :D Ziggie tried some last night, and even he liked it!! And he doesn't like Chocolate like I do. :D I'm so happy. I'm hoping this will help a little. Sometimes I forget breakfast or lunch or I combine them into a brunch. But now I'm looking forward to my meals!!! Yay!!

So cheer me on in school and weight loss.

My Prayer...

Because He Lives
1. God sent His Son - they called Him Jesus,
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives.

Chorus:
Because He lives I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

2. How sweet to hold a newborn baby
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because Christ lives.
(Chorus)

3. And then one day I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to victory,
I'll see the lights of glory - and I'll know He lives.
(Chorus)
By Bill and Gloria Gaither

Last night I found myself singing this to my little boy. It's a very calming melody, and I had wound him up right before bed. :*) As I sang it to him, I thought very hard about the words I was singing. "Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, all fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future, and life life is worth the living just because He lives." Are these words true in my life? As I thought about the words, I realized that no; these words are not true in my life. That doesn't mean that I can't sing the song. As I sang the song, I made it a prayer for my life. I want to get up in the morning, ready to face the day, simply because I know that my Savior is alive. I want to be so certain that we are going to get through this trial because He holds the future, no matter what. I want to face my day with strength, not fear, because I know that He has already conquered all that I have to fear.

Today this is my prayer, will you pray it with me?

"Dear Father,
I'm here again, bowing before Your awesome presence. It's been too long since I've truly basked in Your glory, and I ask your forgiveness for that. Father, I want to live my life knowing that You are in control. Please remind throughout the day that no matter what, You have my future in Your hands. Teach me to practice Your presence; replace the fear in my heart with Your love.
Thank You for the sacrifice You made for me. Thank You for the sacrifice You made for my son. And thank You for continuing to draw me to Yourself.
I love you Father; help me to remember.
Amen."

WOWEE!!!!

I'm all better now. :D

Trapped...

There are times when I feel so DAMN trapped by my own decisions. For example -- today. It's a beautiful Saturday evening in Northern Indiana, and I'm vacuuming with a 2 yr. old on my hip. Have you ever tried to vacuum and hold a two yr. old at the same time? It doesn't work!!
I'm so pissed right now. I'm pissed at Ziggie. I'm pissed at my son. I'm pissed at the dog. I'm pissed at the world. But most of all, I'm pissed at myself. I didn't do anything that I hoped to do. When I was in high school, I was going to learn languages. I was going to travel the world. I was going to share the Good News. Now I don't even watch the Evening News. Some world traveller I would make. I had so many plans... so many goals. And I haven't achieved a single one of them. And Ziggie doesn't care. I don't know if he's even aware.

I'm so DAMN jealous. The stupid ass got to be twenty. He got to live life as a bachelor. He got to work whenever he wanted. He got to stay up 'till two playing video games. He made friends in college and still talks to them every now and then. I don't talk to my friends from HIGH school as often as he talks to his friends from college. I don't have any friends from college. I have all HIS friends from college. But none of my own.

And I need to vacuum. My son is standing next to me, screaming his head off -- Vackers!! Vackers!!

I never in my life thought that I would be the mother of a two year old before I turned 22. I never in my life thought I would be one of "those girls". I didn't want to be. I didn't set out to be. But I am. And now what do I do with it? I want so badly to complete my goals. I want so badly to finish what I started. And most of all... I want a friend who enjoys the same things I do. I want a friend who loves other languages. I want a friend who enjoys travelling. I want someone who enjoys walking in the woods, and swimming, and ice skating, and skiing. I need a friend that's close to my heart. I need to share my life with someone -- my heart with someone. And I always thought that that person would end up being my husband. But mine could care less about any of this stuff. There's always an excuse or a video game.

I am so ready to leave. To just pick up and leave. I don't have anything tieing me down except my son and my husband. And at the moment... at the moment I don't want either.
Never thought I would say that.

The fact is... at the moment, I just don't care. I feel so damn numb. I just want to climb under the covers and disappear into a world of my own creation. I don't want to exist in this plane anymore. And I don't care if I do, either. I just flat out don't care. I'm going out for a walk with the dog in about twenty minutes. And I don't care if he wanders off. I don't care if I ever come back. I just don't care. I might just crawl into bed and if I wake up tomorrow, well, that's tomorrow. Today I don't care if there is a tomorrow. But of course, I do have to deal with tomorrow. I'm doing nursery. And Ziggie is doing sound. Which means that I have to wake my two year old and convince him that the nursery is fun two hours before he usually wakes up.
I hate my life sometimes. I hate the decisions that led me here. And I'm sick of just doing what I have to do because I have to do it. Damn it!! I want to do something I enjoy. I want to do something for me.

And now I'm crying. I don't know why. It's time to say goodnight to my son...

Oi Oi Oi...

Today I am sitting on the sofa, covered in my blankie, and I am watching Gilmore Girls. :D I love this show so much!! It's the one where Sookie finds out she's pregnant and Loralei kisses Max again. :D My head is killing me, and I am thrilled that my Booger Toes is sleeping longer.
I don't want to ever get up again. :D Oh, I know!! I'll go get some Tylenol... or maybe I'll just have Ziggie bring it to me when he's done with his football game. :D
That sounds like a plan...

Yesterday I worked my butt off and managed to complete three homework assignments that are way way past due. They were due January 16th. Wow... I didn't realize it had been that long. But anyway, I got them done, and now I'm waiting on the prof before I can work on the next assignments.

I worked again last night. I am so thrilled to be back at work. I love this job so much!! Nothing went right yesterday though. The barcodes wouldn't scan so we typed everything in manually which takes about three times as long. But I booked my little toosh around that store and managed to hit 388 pieces an hour. They were hoping to get 200 an hour. :D I ended the night with an average of 354 an hour, and I am just thrilled with that!! This job is perfect for anal retentive people, and I'm awesome at it.
I think that's why I like this job so much -- I'm awesome at it. I'm a good wife and a great mom. I'm a decent housekeeper and a pretty good cook. I drive safely and I enjoy programming. But I'm not stellar at anything. It feels really really great to be stellar at something.
PJ -- that's why some people devote so much time to work. They're good at it, and it's nice to be good at something -- even if you don't really want to be good at that. I would much rather be a stellar wife and mother. But I'm not. And the harder I try, the more I fail. The harder I try at work, the greater I get. I love that feeling. I feel like I'm flying.I love that even though I'm still a novice (I've only worked a total of less than 20 stores), I'm great. My boss was so impressed with my work last time that they hired me back this time, even though they weren't hiring for nights and weekends. They just like the fact that I work hard and I don't complain when I hate what I'm doing (like last night. I've still got a crick in my neck from looking at all those tags and trying to read those tiny numbers. I also hate when I go to a hardware store and they have like 45 little tiny bags on a hook filled with screws and stuff, and there's like 100 kinds of screws, each with a different hook, and plenty of stock).

Today I'm resting a little. I'm going to nap when Baby does, and I'm going to read a book instead of watching TV. Ziggie and I might get to go on a date, and I am going to thoroughly enjoy that. I miss him, and I find myself getting "clingy" in the middle of the day. I want nothing more than to call and chat with him, like we used to do in the middle of the night when I was at college. But he's working so that he can pay all my bills, and he's definitely not a very clingy person. :D I love Ziggie so much. I wish I could put it all into words. I usually write poems to describe my intense feelings, but there are two people I can't write for -- Ziggie, and my mom. How do you put so much feeling, so much love, down on paper? Whenever I try, it comes out stiff and awkward. I want it to feel real. I want it to just flow out of my heart and not to have to work at it. I feel badly that the two people I love the most in the world I can't write for -- but I just don't know how to let go of those feelings. I'm almost afraid that if I write them down, if I put them on paper, then they won't be in my heart anymore. I know that's silly... but if you're a poet or a writer, then you probably understand.

Well, I'm going to go get my tiny little man and play with him for while. He's getting so big... so beautiful. Yesterday we had a real conversation on the phone. I said "Hi" and he said "Wo?" (His word for Hello), and he told me about the boy next door pushing him on accident, and the cars he played with, and the blocks, and the puppy and Apache, and how much he loved his daddy. It's so amazing how much he can communicate now. I love it and hate it. I miss the tiny little boy who didn't have a choice if I picked him up. He could fight, but I was Mommy and I could hold him if I wanted. Now he'll pat my cheek and say, "No, Mommy. I want down." I love my baby so much that I'm crying right now... I need to go hold him.


1:18 PM -- SO I get back from the sitter's with my son, and what do I find? My poor dog was so bored that he chewed up my library book. I'm in the middle of a great story, so I think I'm going to tape it back together at least enough for me to read. We'll see how much the library charges me for it, and we'll go from there. Man... I'm bummed. I really wanted to finish my chapter!

Post-Valentine's Day Blues...

Yesterday my sweetie gave me the sweetest gift ever!! He helped me fold laundry and wash laundry and he cleaned out the closet and put a whole bunch of clothes in a pile for Goodwill and then carried them to the back of the van and put all the clean laundry away!! It was so much fun and the absolutely best Valentine's I've ever had!!

But today I am blue. I have no idea why. I'm tired and cranky and just blue. I don't want to do anything and I just want to sit in my pajamas enjoying silence. It's not going to happen -- I have a two year old.

Heehee... :D The dog is enjoying his toys and is really being cute. He's really become a good dog the last few months, and I'm proud of him. He is shedding like mad and making us all sick -- which now that I think about it, is probably resposible for my blues. I'm allergic to dog hair and I slept in it all night last night and had weird dreams about clumps of dog hair rising from the carpet to swallow me. So I didn't sleep well and I'm a little sick. Huh... all I have to do is journal for two minutes, and I find the cause of my blues!!

Yay!!!

Back to Work...

Today I went back to work at the inventory place. I was very excited to be back, and I was thrilled to find that I truly enjoyed the job. I did really well for my first day back into the groove of things. They wanted us to count about 1300 pieces an hour, and I hit 1248. Not bad after a two month break!!

I think I'm going to stop looking for another job and just stick with RGIS. I love the job; I love the tasks; and I love the people. I am so excited to be back!! I'm eager to see what God has for me in this place.

Today is Valentine's... Ziggie and I decided not to do anything big today. We just want to enjoy each other, without the pressure of gifts -- and the pressure on our budget. :D We'll probably just watch a movie and go to bed early.

How? I just don't get how...

I feel as though I want a fight right now, and I don't care with whom. I'm not sure where this came from all of a sudden. But I am just furious with my past -- and the people who played the biggest role in it. I don't share this side of me often, but I am so mad at the moment that I just can't keep it in. And it wouldn't be fair to just explode on Ziggie.

How!! How do you adopt a little girl and then just change your mind? Why even bother? I'm sure there were plenty of blond haired blue eyed little girls out there. Why did you pick my sister? And why is it that you could love her so much and me not at all? There are people that I absolutely detest as human beings, but I love them simply because they are important to someone I love. I know that the only reason I love these people is that the Lord has worked in my heart...

But how do you justify it to yourself? What do you tell yourself? What did you tell your flock the whole time I was gone? How did you answer when they asked how many kids you have? Did you say three or four? And if they asked where the other was, what did you say?

How do you explain to your family that you just shipped a kid off? You only bothered to explain it to me once, when I was ten. And even then I knew that every word that came out of your lips was a blasted lie.

Arghh!! I'm so furious at the moment that I can't even think straight!! How do you do that to a little kid? How does it even cross your mind? The things you said, the things you did!! And how does bringing two more kids into the mix help things? Did you think that if you had two boys, your two girls would magically become angels?

I know that I blame you more than I blame your wife. And, well, I don't feel bad about it either. Not at the moment. She at least never pretended. She was twisted all sorts of ways from Tuesday, but she never hid the fact that she didn't want me. You on the other hand... You said you loved me. You were sweet one minute and violent the next. You were always sorry... but that gets old after a while. After a couple years, the anger just rolled off my back.

I sit and I look at my son. And I cry at the fact that this poor little boy is allergic to my dog. And I am so sad that the poor kid will not remember a time when he didn't have to take medicine before bed. I cry that this is normal for him, that he doesn't even question it.

I felt that way... after a while, your anger was just normal to me. :D

How did you feel the first time you realized that your anger didn't affect me anymore? How did it feel the first time you realized that I neither loved nor hated you? Did you ever even realize?
You acted so shocked when my caseworker asked you to end the charade. You were so surprised that I wouldn't want to keep talking to you, setting aside five hours every Sunday in the hopes you might remember you had another kid a thousand miles away. You seemed so surprised when I sent back a gift, unopened. It wouldn't have fit anyway.

Complete strangers from two states away wrote me more often than you called. Complete strangers all over the state asked for a Christmas list and sent gifts. Did you even bother to read the list? I remember one year you sent me a robe for Christmas. It was a lovely deep red color, and it was brushed velvet. And when I came "home" for a couple days, the other kids all had brand new stereos and three CD's to go with them. "It cost the same" you said. "We didn't know if they would let you have a stereo." That was when I knew. What does a twelve year old need with a fifty dollar bathrobe!! If you had even glanced at the paperwork that lay in your bottom filing drawer, you would have known that yes, they let us have stereos. And I would have prefered pantyhose to bathrobes.

Do you know... I still struggle with a sense of self-worth. For eight years my Christmas list was always "pantyhose, batteries, pens." Even then, I felt that if someone was going to spend good money on me, it had to be something I needed and would use all the time. Why should they bother spending money on something I wanted when I needed other things?

I'm fairly certain that you only told people you had three kids. I was your dirty little secret, hidden off in the far corners of Indiana. You know how I'm certain? You never sent me pictures of the others. You never asked for pictures of me. And even now... when we're grown up and six years after the fact, you refuse to answer the phone when I call. "wrong number" you told my sister the last time I called!! You don't answer my letters or send pictures of your own. You won't even take the fifteen minutes it would take to pull that envelope out of your drawer and slap a stamp on it. I'll send you the damn stamp!!

Arghh...

And now... all of a sudden I'm just tired and so sad. I want to cry so badly. Why couldn't they love me? What did I represent to them that was so horrible? Why were the others worth the effort, but never me? And how do you do that to a little child? How do you tell them that you wish they weren't there? That everyone wished they were never born? How do you tell a little kid that your life is perfect without them? How do you not even mask your hatred for a small child, except when others are around?

All I wanted my whole life was to be held by his wife and to be told that she loved me. I'm past that. It would be completely meaningless even if she told me that she had always loved me but didn't know how to tell me, didn't know how to deal with it. All I wanted was one genuine hug. One call that wasn't scheduled three times over. One letter in response to me.

And I wonder why I can't identify with parental figures... The parents I were supposed to love didn't love me. They broke my trust and my heart.

How do I get past this? How do I deal only with my present? How do I separate my past from my identity? How do I break down the wall? How do I help my new parents understand the pain that is hidden deep down in my heart -- the pain I carry every day? How do I love them as though it will never cost me anything, when loving them already cost me so much?

Later

I feel better now. Ziggie held me a little. I don't know where this came from. I was just sitting and reading, and then I thought of my son, and all of a sudden I was furious!! Eh... oh well. :> Sorry guys!!

So I'm a Saint... Big Deal

That sounds really caustic, but it's not.

Actually, being a saint is a very big deal to me.

I'm not really sure where to start with my thoughts tonight. They're all swirling around inside my head like a million little snowflakes in a blizzard. I don't know how to build a snowman with all these flakes still floating around. I need them to settle down somewhere, and this is that somewhere... for now at least. This may actually turn into the snowman if you're lucky. :D

It all started this morning at church. Our pastor is doing a sermon series called "Who's Your Daddy." It's about our identity as a Child of God. This topic is very close to my heart for several reasons. First -- the discussion last week was about our identity as an adoptive child. Second -- this is something I've been struggling with personally for a while. I've been wanting to become a better daughter to my heavenly father so that I may become a better daughter to my adoptive parents.

Last week Pastor explained that as adoptive children of God, we have a new identity as saints. And one of the guys in our congregation came up after the service and said he didn't believe it, show it to him in the Bible. I remembered memorizing one verse or another that specifically stated that we are saints. In my search for that verse again (I never did memorize references with the verses, for some reason those numbers just wouldn't stick), I found Ephesians 2:18,19. I really like the Amplified Bible on this one.

"18For it is through Him that we both [whether far off or near] now have an introduction (access) by one [Holy] Spirit to the Father [so that we are able to approach Him].
"19Therefore you are no longer outsiders (exiles, migrants, and aliens, excluded from the rights of citizens), but you now share citizenship with the saints (God's own people, consecrated and set apart for Himself); and you belong to God's [own] household."

Our small groups have been going through a six-week series by Rob Bell. I don't know if that's exactly how you spell his name, and I don't remember what church he's from. But Pastor quoted him today. I don't have the exact quote. Rob Bell was comparing our relationship with God to something and he said that it was a poor comparison. A better comparison would be that of a song in which the players are slightly out of tune. As His Children, as saints, we are free to tune our lives to God.

I love the imagery of this description. As a person who loves music of all kinds, especially big orchestral pieces, I know how excruciating it can be if even one instrument is slightly out of tune. I played clarinet in a 172 piece children's orchestra once. It was one of the most amazing events of my childhood. We played alongside a professional orchestra (I can't remember which one) that had played together for two years and had been touring all over the world together. I remember it took us seven hours... yes!! SEVEN HOURS to tune every piece exactly to the conductor's wishes. We started out by playing some warm up pieces. I thought, Wow... we sound pretty good!! And then the conductor would stop us and tune one section at a time, each player at a time. He had professionals show us better position and give little hints. By the time he was done with us (seven hours later), we sounded MAGNIFICENT!! And somewhere during our practice one flautist dropped her flute. No one noticed, not even her sheet partner. But when she picked up her instrument and began again to play, the entire orchestra fell apart. We all knew that someone was off, and it threw us out of balance. Some of us lost the beat, some of us lost our place, and some of us just ceased to play.

My life for so long has been like that flautist. I am playing with the orchestra. I have practiced this piece a thousand times. I know it by heart and yet... when I pick up my instrument to play, I am the tiniest hair flat. And I feel that it stands out like the dark red blossom of a Queen's Anne's Lace.

Pastor said something today that I've noticed a thousand times in my own life. I have been trying so hard to devote ten minutes to praying. Ten straight minutes to conversing with my heavenly Father without straying from the topic or getting distracted. Pastor said, "Have you ever tried to pray in a quiet room? You go into the room, and you shut the door. There is no music, no distractions, nothing but you and God." And when you begin to pray it goes something like this,

"Dear Father, I'm wanting to talk to you today. I feel like I've neglected you recently, like I have so many things in my life. I haven't swept the living room yet, and I still need to clean out the car. But I have to move some things in the garage before I can get the vacuum in there to get the van. But I don't have anywhere to put that stuff. I really should have my husband clean that stuff up. Maybe I should offer to help him. Oh, he asked if he could help with anything, and I forgot to tell him about the laundry. I had better throw in the whites or we won't have underwear for tomorrow.
"Oh, Father! Forgive me! I forgot that I was talking to you. I keep getting distracted by the mundane things of life. I can't even talk to you for ten minutes! I can empty the dishwasher and watch a TV show, but why can't I talk to YOU for ten minutes!"

And before you know it, you're berating yourself, and forgetting that you are in the presence of the Creator of the universe. Pastor said that our brains are like CNN. They have their anchors telling one story, with the little ticker tapes at the top and bottom of our screen, giving us eight levels of news, and we can't possibly focus on it all. "Whatever is in your brain, you tend to focus on it, and then you tend to pursue it." Just like when you're driving... you steer toward whatever you're looking at.

And the thought crossed my mind... What if Christ were at the front of my brain all the time. Then I would focus on Him, and I would pursue Him the way I want to.

Did your parents or teachers ever make you write sentences? "I will not say shut up. I will not say shut up." This was a classic discipline for me as a foster child. The state passed a law that foster children can't be spanked, and so they fell to writing sentences. Did you ever find yourself saying "shut up" more often in the first few hours after you were done with your sentences? I know I did!!

I asked my dad once how he slept at night. He said, "I just stop thinking." So I went to bed that night, and I lay there, thinking. And when I realized that I had a thought, I would say to myself, "stop thinking." This went on for a little while, and then I realized that with all my stopping thinking, I had actually been awake longer than usual!!

The thing is, by resisting a thought, you actually tend to re-enforce it in your brain. You should instead find the opposite. "I will say please be quiet." This will enforce the proper message in your brain. Rick Warren said it beautifully in his book, The Purpose Driven Life. "You defeat bad thoughts by thinking of something better." (pg. 211)

My pastor also included three ways to help us "tune up" to God's standard. "When I focus on who I am becoming, not who I have been, I grow." It is an interesting thought for me. I have focused so much on what my relationship has looked like with parental figures in the past, that I felt overwhelmed and as though the odds were against me. I could never be a proper child because I had never been shown how to be. But when I changed my thinking and thought, "what do I expect my relationship to look like with my parents now that I am grown", our relationship slowly got better!!

Thanks for listening as I blathered on about all this. I hope maybe it will help you. And if you have any thoughts to add or contrast with my thinking... Share them!! I'm very open to exploring this vein of thought.

~Big Yawn~

So I've been sick since my last post. It sucks. I hate being sick. I hate having Ziggie have to watch both me and Baby. I hate not being able to care for my son and my house. It drives me nuts not to do laundry or dishes. I hate that my counters are grimy and my bed smells like BO and dog. My dog stinks to high heaven. I don't have the energy to do anything, and I don't really care!!

Okay, all done complaining. :D Actually, last night I got some amazing deep sleep, and my sweetie let me take a five hour nap this afternoon/evening. So I feel a lot better, my counters are relatively clear and not grimy anymore. My son vacuumed the living room this morning, and I swept the hallway, to show him how. :D Then he tried to sweep the sofa and the dog, and we had to put the broom away. :D

I'm way behind on my schoolwork, and I've got tons of homework. I'll do it tomorrow. :D

I'm sleepy again, so I'm going to knock off for the night. :D

The Addiction Continues

Well, I have discovered a game that I really, really enjoy. It's called Fish Tycoon.

It's wonderful. You basically set up an aquarium, buy some eggs, and grow fish. When the fish are grown up, you make them pregnant and you can cross breed them. The goal is to find the 7 magical breeds. :D I have found one of the magic 7 (they give it to you with your first batch of eggs, but good luck getting it again!!), but have discovered 59 breeds of fish. This is harder than it sounds!!

I'm having a ton of fun, and am basically spending all my time staring at a virtual fish tank. I love it!!

FISH TYCOON people!!

Also...Ziggie and I went to the dollar theater and watched Aeon Flux last night. I loved it!! It's a great movie!! There was very little cursing, no nudity (an immodest scene, but not nude), and not a lot of graphic violence. Plus it had an amazing plot line!! I keep thinking about the movie, and I think I'm going to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

As for the Super Bowl... I was sitting on the sofa growing fish.

Big boy

Yesterday was my son's second birthday. I can't believe how big he's getting!!We had a party for him today. It was supposed to be small -- family only. I forgot how many kids my family has. :D We had five kids in our tiny house today, and six adults!! It was loud and crowded and so much fun!!

I really enjoyed seeing my family again. I feel like I've turned a corner with my mom, and we've finally figured out a way for our relationship to work. I didn't feel tense at all with her!! Unlike with my mother-in-law -- who wanted so badly for things to go smoothly and for me to impress my family. I found myself biting my tongue, because she loves us so much. She did help a lot, actually. I also found myself resisting the urge to fight her just to fight her.

I am working on leaving things just as they are as long as I can stand it. I'm trying to desensitize myself to mess and to my different neurocies. MiL often commented on the things I was studiously ignoring. I didn't want this party to run my day, and I found myself avoiding making decisions simply by saying "no."So she got a cake and a couple of snack trays and we didn't get the spots out of the carpet. :D I thought it was a great compromise.

We had a lot of fun celebrating my son's big day. I don't think he quite understood what was happening. He realized "ooo, Mine!" with the toys, but I don't think he understood why all the people were there at the same time, circled around watching him get his gifts.

This little boy is so big now. He does so much by himself. Today he found a cup that was half full of water just sitting on the table. He picked it up and started drinking. I helped at first, but soon saw that he didn't need help. It wasn't until the very end of the cup that he spilled all down his front. He carried that cup and set it down and drank from it, just like a big boy. He uses sentences, and shares better. He's learning so much every day!! The other day I was using Ziggie's phone, and when I was done, I tossed it to him. Later, Ziggie let Baby play with the phone, and when he was done pretending, he tossed the phone to his daddy.

He has been such a treasure to me in the past two years. My entire life revolves around his sweet little being. I changed my eating habits for him. I changed my goals, and my schedule, and my friends. All for this beautiful little child. And every night, when I'm rocking and singing to him, and he snuggles up on my shoulder, I think to myself "he's worth it. He's worth every moment I've spent awake when I could have been sleeping, every moment that I was cleaning when I could have been partying, working when I could have been studying -- every goal, every breath, every moment -- he's worth it all. And then some."

It amazes me that Christ knew about my little boy before I did. When HE was walking to Calvary, I wonder if my little boy and his temper tantrums and his "mine!" and "no!" crossed His mind. Did HE consider every single sin? Or just greed, rebellion, and disobedience in general?

In watching my son grow up, in teaching him to be the man that I pray he will someday become -- I am growing up; I am gradually becoming the person my parents pray that I will someday become. This beautiful child...

Beautiful Baby... I love you so much.