Saturday, February 18, 2006


There are times when I feel so DAMN trapped by my own decisions. For example -- today. It's a beautiful Saturday evening in Northern Indiana, and I'm vacuuming with a 2 yr. old on my hip. Have you ever tried to vacuum and hold a two yr. old at the same time? It doesn't work!!
I'm so pissed right now. I'm pissed at Ziggie. I'm pissed at my son. I'm pissed at the dog. I'm pissed at the world. But most of all, I'm pissed at myself. I didn't do anything that I hoped to do. When I was in high school, I was going to learn languages. I was going to travel the world. I was going to share the Good News. Now I don't even watch the Evening News. Some world traveller I would make. I had so many plans... so many goals. And I haven't achieved a single one of them. And Ziggie doesn't care. I don't know if he's even aware.

I'm so DAMN jealous. The stupid ass got to be twenty. He got to live life as a bachelor. He got to work whenever he wanted. He got to stay up 'till two playing video games. He made friends in college and still talks to them every now and then. I don't talk to my friends from HIGH school as often as he talks to his friends from college. I don't have any friends from college. I have all HIS friends from college. But none of my own.

And I need to vacuum. My son is standing next to me, screaming his head off -- Vackers!! Vackers!!

I never in my life thought that I would be the mother of a two year old before I turned 22. I never in my life thought I would be one of "those girls". I didn't want to be. I didn't set out to be. But I am. And now what do I do with it? I want so badly to complete my goals. I want so badly to finish what I started. And most of all... I want a friend who enjoys the same things I do. I want a friend who loves other languages. I want a friend who enjoys travelling. I want someone who enjoys walking in the woods, and swimming, and ice skating, and skiing. I need a friend that's close to my heart. I need to share my life with someone -- my heart with someone. And I always thought that that person would end up being my husband. But mine could care less about any of this stuff. There's always an excuse or a video game.

I am so ready to leave. To just pick up and leave. I don't have anything tieing me down except my son and my husband. And at the moment... at the moment I don't want either.
Never thought I would say that.

The fact is... at the moment, I just don't care. I feel so damn numb. I just want to climb under the covers and disappear into a world of my own creation. I don't want to exist in this plane anymore. And I don't care if I do, either. I just flat out don't care. I'm going out for a walk with the dog in about twenty minutes. And I don't care if he wanders off. I don't care if I ever come back. I just don't care. I might just crawl into bed and if I wake up tomorrow, well, that's tomorrow. Today I don't care if there is a tomorrow. But of course, I do have to deal with tomorrow. I'm doing nursery. And Ziggie is doing sound. Which means that I have to wake my two year old and convince him that the nursery is fun two hours before he usually wakes up.
I hate my life sometimes. I hate the decisions that led me here. And I'm sick of just doing what I have to do because I have to do it. Damn it!! I want to do something I enjoy. I want to do something for me.

And now I'm crying. I don't know why. It's time to say goodnight to my son...

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