Today I am sad.
Psalm 37:4-7a weighs heavily on my heart.
"4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;"
That last part is really, really hard. I find myself being envious of some of my friends a little bit today. Yet I look at some of my other friends, and I think how selfish I am. How can I think that God would bless me before these others?
I've wanted this for so long. And I've prayed for it so many times. I feel like I've been working at it for forever. Every month comes and goes; and every month my heart breaks all over again. This month I thought for sure that God would give me what I've been asking. I've never felt more in tune with His desires for my life. And yet... Apparently I don't know Him as well as I think I do. Because everyday He reminds me that His answer is "no" or "not yet." And part of me is really mad because I don't know which it is.
If I knew what His answer was, I could move on. I could keep waiting if only I knew... I don't understand why Sarah laughed when God said He would keep his promise. At least she knew the answer to her prayer. She just didn't believe. Me... I believe, but I don't know the answer.
Still my heart today. Apply your peace and love to the wound You've allowed to grow. And Father, I can't help but to ask one more time... Please? You know my heart, and perhaps this is why You do not grant my request. Please provide a comfortor for my spirit. Provide a person to be the balm for my soul. Father, I need a kindred friend. Thank you for providing for my needs.