Monday, October 23, 2006

I'm Back!!

Yes, I realize that it has been over a month since I last posted. Sorry about that. If you're around me on a day to day basis... well, you know why. If not, then you really won't care.

That being said... I have about a thousand and twelve thoughts running around in my head, and I want to get a few of them out.

1. Went to a wedding in Atlanta at the end of last month. It was fun. I really enjoyed the drive down. And I really, really miss living in mountains. I lived in mountains almost all of my life before I moved to Indiana. I lived in the Appalachian Mountains first, more specifically, the Blue Ridge Mountains. Then I lived in the Ozarks. Then the Rockies. Then the Ozarks again. Thanks to the mountains, I love both autumn and Mountain Dew.
2. Did some landscaping in my front yard, and I am totally psyched about the way it looks. I also have about 15 rose bushes planted, and am eager to see them in bloom next summer. Ahh... roses.
3. I got a new job today. You'd think I'd be more excited about it. I'm going to be working at a couple of Dairy Queen's in my area. They just opened a new store so I will be training at that one and the old one. I'm eager to get out of the house, actually get a paycheck, and to meet new people. But, well, I've done this job before. Maybe not Dairy Queen, but elsewhere. I'm disappointed that I didn't get a job in computers or data entry or administrative work. I'm hoping, however, that I will be able to stay with Dairy Queen for a good long while, and that I will be promoted soon (the chick who owns the stores is looking for a manager and thinks that she likes my style).
4. I'm looking forward to NaNoWriMo again. Yay!! I won't be posting this year's work on MySpace. I really liked using LiveJournal last year, and I think I will again this year. I'm really excited about finishing the novel I started last year.
5. I was cleaning a little bit tonight, and I got distracted. Surprise, surprise. I found an old journal from when I was in tenth grade. It's really weird to read the things I was going through... the feelings, the hopes, the goals. The weirdest thing about it, though, was to see how little my feelings and goals have changed in the last six, almost seven years.
This particular journal chronicles my desire to date, and my desire to be a part of a real family. Now, at the moment I'm not trying to figure out if I like anyone enough to date them; but I am trying to strengthen the relationships I already have. And I'm not trying to find a family anymore... but I am trying to figure out how to be a part of my family, even though I'm two hours away and ten years older than my oldest sibling. It just struck me that I am closer in age to my mom than to my youngest brother, and I have three younger sisters after him!
6. My pastor last week said that there are three relationships that no Christian can be without. 1) Brothers and Sisters -- a small group of friends who are willing to take the journey of faith with you. 2) an Accountability Partner -- a single person to whom you are, well, accountable. They strengthen and encourage you, and you do the same for them. This is a person with whom you can share all your faults, all your secrets, and know that you won't be judged. And 3) a Mentor -- a single person who has been where you are; someone to guide you on your faith journey.
He challenged us to write a name down beside each of these titles. And I realized... I have no Accountability Partner, nor a Mentor. Then pastor broke the Accountability Partner into three persons: a local person with whom you share at least weekly, if not more often; a regional person to whom you can escape for a few days when you need it, and who will help you get your head on straight; and a national person who is maybe a state or two away, who can offer an objective view on crises in your life. Interestingly enough, I believe that I do have a national accountability partner. I have a friend who just finished his counseling degree at Columbia Bible School in one of the Carolinas. He and I often trade objective views on things going on. We're not the best of friends, and I could never go to Carolina if I had a problem, but I trust him and his opinions.
I suppose that my parents could be classified as both my mentors, and my regional accountability partners… if I worked toward that goal. But, well, at the moment our relationship is not that strong. We get along okay, but I still feel some tension when we're together, or when we talk on the phone. I still feel that a lot of our relationship is me reaching toward them, and I would like to see a little more two-way communication happening.
I did have a good friend that I would have called my accountability partner, but we've drifted apart somewhat in the last year or so. She is busy with work and her child, and I am busy with finding work and my own child. And I know that if I were really in a pinch, I have a friend in Tennessee that I could stay with if I needed a short escape to get my head on straight. I find myself thinking of High School, when I had friendships and partners in abundance. And I am disappointed to find that many of those relationships have disintegrated to some degree.
At any rate, last week's sermon only served to magnify the loneliness that I have been feeling recently.
7. I find more and more that I am falling incredibly short of my goals. I wanted to finish college, and I haven't logged on in so long that I have to retake my three most recent courses. It's not really a big deal, but it's definitely not a good sign, either. It's taken me forever to find a job, and it's not really what I wanted. I find myself absorbed more and more in T.V. shows and books -- in short, I am reverting to a life of fantasy. I am willing to live any life but my own at this point. I desperately need to take a big step -- and at this point, it doesn't matter where I take the step, so long as I'm going somewhere.
8. It's that time of year again... the one where I try to reach out to old friends... the one where I long to know something, anything, about my origins. And I'm not sure where to start... or even if I should start. How many times can I dredge up an old friendship before what it used to be gets lost in what I am trying to make it? I mean... can you ever truly "renew" a friendship? At what point do you finally say "what was, was, and never will be again"?

Eek... well, I guess I've said enough for tonight. Well, when it rains, it pours.

A Rant

How could you? I just don't get it. Your actions mystified me, and what mystifies me even more is that you didn't even try to explain or rationalize. You literally tore me in two, and somehow I was just supposed to cope with that. I mean... who on earth was I supposed to share with? My world was falling to pieces, and then you put that on me. And if I had shared... well my world would have still fallen to pieces, only everyone would know. They all ended up knowing anyway. You said that I was important to you, that I was special. And yet, when it came down to it, you didn't listen to a word I said. You'd think that with everything I'd been through to that point, with all the things I'd witnessed and been a part of, you'd think my opinion would have mattered. Especially if I was everything to you that you said I was. And yet... you blew me off. You didn't even entertain my words -- my heart was poured out to you, time and time again, and you didn't see -- didn't even care to see. And after all that... after everything was done imploding, it exploded. And you were angry with me. How could you be? Why did you blame me -- you still do, you know. I still feel your pain, and your blame... after all this time, you still blame me for everything that happened -- why did you blame me for seeking comfort elsewhere? How could you be upset that I ran to someone else? Like you had anything to offer me. I spent months pouring out my heart and my life for you... and you spent months throwing it away. And when I finally couldn't anymore -- when there was nothing left for me to give you, or anyone else for that matter -- you got mad that I gave up. You gave up before it even started, and yet I did you wrong. How could you? How could you do that to me? to yourself!?

Have you ever had something happen -- something really big -- and you didn't respond to it right away? Well, five years ago this season, something big happened to me. And I didn't really react. I mean, I did... and other people saw it. But it didn't sink in. The other night, I woke up and finally reacted to what happened. Do you ever have conversations in your mind that you know are never going to happen in real life, but it makes you feel just a little bit better? Well... this is me, trying to have that conversation, and not just let it sit in my mind. This message will probably never get where it's going... but I'm hoping that at least it's gone.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Work and a Weird Dream

Work and a Weird Dream

I'm starting to realize that if I'm going to succeed at work, I'm going to have to... well... WORK. But I don't wanna!! I don't like calling strangers up and trying to convince them that they need to let me into their homes. I don't like going all over creation to show people a product they don't really want. Of course, I do feel that my product is both beneficial and worthwhile, but it's a different matter to convince them. And I don't like having to be all bubbly all the time.

Okay... all done whining. On the plus side: I enjoy having a place to go everyday; I enjoy having a chance to actually miss my son and husband; I enjoy being able to talk about something other than my son and husband; and I enjoy having friends separate from my son and husband. For so long my life has revolved around my family, that I began to feel that I was losing myself. That was a tough feeling. But it's amazing how a job has changed all that. I feel like more of a well-rounded individual. I feel like I am a better listener: I'm no longer trying to steer conversations toward something I can identify with.

Also... I had a really weird dream last night about my family and my high school friends. It's stuck with me all day, and I can't get it out of my mind. I am beginning to feel as though it were real, which is really weird. I'm not going to get into it all right now, as my face is about to split in two from all my yawns. It's what I get for chatting with a friend until midnight, and then expecting to hop right off the computer. heehee...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Good things...

Today started out horribly!! Ziggie and I got in a fight. BabyBear would not obey me. The dog got out not once, but three times!! The doctor's office didn't realize what the attention span of a two year old is, and made us sit forever and ever.But it got better. The doctor told me nothing was wrong with either of us (BabyBear or myself), so I'm not worrying too much.

I'm not in as much pain as I was yesterday. Partly because I wasn't stupid and didn't walk six miles yesterday (only two) -- I can walk better now that my muscles aren't yelling at me for walking too much; and the rest because the physical therapist fixed me!! I went in and she looked at me again, and said... "I don't think your one leg is longer than the other at all! I think you're just out of whack." So she gave me an amazing massage on my back (actually she was realigning my hips. It just felt really, really good.) While she did that, we talked about our kids and our jobs, and I grew to like her more than I did already. So I was relaxed a little, and then I stood up, and presto!! No pain!! It's amazing. It really is. I can even bend over now and not really feel the pain in my back. I just can't explain how good it feels to be without pain for the first time in months!! I mean, it's still a little sore from being used incorrectly all this time, but still... And still today it feels great!! I leaned over my son's bed tonight -- with him in my arms!! I haven't done that pain-free for over six months.

Then I went to work, where I won a 20" flatscreen T.V. But I get the cash for it instead. :D We had hamburgers and brownies and a big celebratory end of August meeting today. It was very fun, very encouraging, and very motivating. I can't wait to get back to work tomorrow!!

Then BabyBear was in a great mood tonight, and I got to spend some time with him and Ziggie. That was really nice. I miss my munchkin during the day and my man at night.

Well, I really, really wanted to get to bed before 11:30 tonight, so I'd better go. :D I'm not going to make my goal, but I don't have to leave it in the dust!!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


I saw a rainbow today. It was beyond beautiful. It disappeared halfway into the clouds, for just a moment, and gave way to the bluest sky I have seen in a long time. Because it was nearly sunset, the blue was laced with pink and cream. I cannot tell you what a balm the day has been for me.

In keeping with my rainbow tradition:

I went to work today, and learned some things that I think will really, really help me. Guess who I work for... Rexair: the company that invented the Rainbow cleaning system. These wonderful tidbits were passed on to me before I saw God's promise displayed to His wandering creation.

I took my son for a walk around the block today. Three times around is a mile, and he was a gem for the whole mile. Then I took the dog for a walk, and we did another three times around.

I spoke with my grandpa today, whom I haven't spoken to since like Easter-ish. Hmmm... before that, because it was before my littlest sister was born. Grandma works the night shift at the hospital, so he was kind of lonely and doing nothing, and I was kind of lonely, a little worried about my son, and doing nothing. So I strapped on my tennis shoes and did ten laps while I talked to Grandpa on the phone. I realized half-way around the tenth time that I was practically dragging the dog, who was asleep on his feet, and I came in and talked to Grandpa during my cool down. We talked for nearly 90 minutes, and it was wonderful!!

Plus, I walked a total of five and one-third miles, and I feel wonderful.

As evidenced by the fact that I am up typing at quarter after one, rather than sleeping. Tomorrow/today I have physical therapy for my back, and I'm a little nervous. I did do my exercises, and am eager to see if there is any physical improvement. I am a little ashamed because I didn't try as hard as I could have on some days, and I know that she will be able to tell. I know that when I don't do my exercises, I am wasting both my time and hers... but I'm afraid that sometimes that knowledge is not enough to motivate me. I need to become more unselfish and let my love for her guide my exercises.

I'm going to sleep now, and I'm going to dream of rainbows... the pretty ones, not the ones that look like a Star Wars character.

50 first dates... with my Redeemer

So this morning (being Tuesday morning) I was sitting on the sofa, holding my little man in my lap, cuddling with him under the covers, and thanking God for every precious moment that He was giving me with this wonderful gift. Suddenly TinyToes jumped up, turned off the T.V. and turned to me with a grin. "Time to go to church," he announced proudly, startling me out of my reverie. And I smiled. My little boy knows what it is like to attend church every Sunday, and someday he will know that it means more than spending time with special friends, singing "Jesus Loves Me", and watching Veggie Tales. We have begun his love affair with the Lord at an early age, and I am eager to see what his little heart and mind have to teach me about loving my Christ.

So I got up, and we got ready for the day. I admit that I was sad that he had finally fully awoken. There are very few moments when the child is actually still, and even rarer are the moments when he allows me to cuddle with him while he is still. Usually I'm cuddling a squirming Booger. But then the bustle of life started and I found new joys in conversing with this tiny child. I quizzed him on where this article of clothing went, and how to put on that one. He laughed and smiled, and was everything that a young mother dreams her child will become: accomodating, sweet, gentle, happy, well-adjusted, and unknowingly showing me that he has truly trusted every aspect of his well-being into my hands. He was loving me unconditionally, as few people over the age of six are capable of doing. I pray that we can find a way to nurture this in him, to grow it, and to "train him up in the way he will go" so that "when he is old, he will not depart from it."

It bothers me sometimes that I am able to pray for my child what I cannot pray for myself. I hope things for him that I do not yet desire in my own walk with the Lord. This bothers me. I cannot be an example to my baby, and he will learn most of his faith away from home, instead of from me -- the one he should be learning from.

Anyway... I took him to his daycare so that I could get started on my own busy day, and on my way back, I noticed that two more roses bloomed overnight on the bushes under my front window. And it struck me:

A few weeks ago, I thought that those rose bushes were dead. They had no leaves, and few branches. I had transplanted them from another garden in the hopes of creating my own garden -- a plentiful supply of my second favorite flower. (My first favorite is the daisy, which is glorious in all it's simplicity.) In the process of transplanting, however, many of the bushes did indeed die. I planted the roots anyway, hoping that in a year or two, I may have new plants. We'll see.

So I see these two beautiful new blooms: a distinct pale pink -- each petal as soft and vibrant as a silken breast cancer ribbon. I walked right up to the plant to get a good smell of these lovely dew covered "rose babies" (my pet name for a brand new bloom). And I saw the stems from two flowers that had bloomed last week. It's funny because the old ones stems and the new roses formed a kind of stair step pattern, reminding me of Christmas pageants where four kids stand on two stairs. The bottom row had lost all of the petals, and the stamen were all bowed outward. They really just looked sad and dreary and done. I was very tempted to just cut them now, but didn't because I know that those stamen are heavy with whatever it is they make (is it pollen?), and are going to fertilize other plants to become new buds. But oh! are they ugly! And the two "babies" were so beautiful, each petal separated from the other in that "second day rose" phase. And it reminded me of all that God has done in my life. Those four roses represent the difference between what I was, and what I am now; what I could have been, and what I could be.

And that... that right there... That is why every day I fall more in love with my true Redeemer. Even when I am disappointed about my choices and what I have ruined for myself, even when I am wallowing in self pity and pride, He lifts me up. He turns my rotten, old, half eaten flowers into the germination of a beautiful, wonderful, and bountiful garden.

How could I not fall in love all over again?

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I'm addicted...

to SuDoku and Frosted Flakes. I am finding myself sitting around thinking "I'm hungry. I want Frosted Flakes." or "I'm bored. Where's the PalmPilot?" We have SuDoku on the PDA.

Not much is happening. My best friend is getting married in September, and I'm finally going down to see her. Exciting!!!

Life is pretty good. I've got a shot to help with the pain of endometriosis (which the doctor is pretty sure I have), and it really is helping. Also, I have avoided potatoes in all forms, and am feeling healthier than ever. I am having a tiny problem with getting up to potty twelve times a night, but I'm dealing okay with that, and actually felt good this morning.

Some idiots in our neighborhood were up until quarter of one yesterday shooting off fireworks. I took Booger out to see them, and he liked some, but then he got scared, so I got to sit in his chair with him and talk about how it wasn't scary; it was just like they were trying to knock on the sky. We talked about stars and planes and stuff. It was fun, but not exactly my first choice of diversions in the middle of the night. I called the sheriff at 12:45, and they were done before I finished the call. My sitter today was telling me that the fireworks were keeping *her* kids up last night, and they're across the street and down three houses!! They were going to call the sheriff at 1:00. :D

I'm looking for a job, and believe it or not, I'm really hoping I get one at the Kroger just down the street. I really like some of the people, and a discount would be awesome!! Plus, their hours are perfect for what I need. If I don't get a job there, I will apply at Baskin Robbins, down the road. I've put in about three applications a day at various places for the last two weeks, but nothing's turned up yet. I just don't have the right experience for a lot of this stuff, but I can't see myself in the kitchen of yet another fast food place!!

Well, I need to jet. JoJo's Circus is almost done, and that's the end of my typing time!!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Time Flies...

Well, it's been nearly a month since I last posted. And this time it's not because life is particularly rough or tough right now. I just haven't really needed the outlet.

My mom made an interesting comment in a conversation we had a few weeks ago. She said that I usually don't last in a relationship more than two or three years before I'm running away -- trying to get out. And at the time, what she said really applied to the situation. But now I'm trying to figure out why she said that. I'm trying to think of examples in my life where I've had a chance to be in a relationship -- any kind of relationship -- for more than two years. And all I really think back to is High School. And most of my real friends from High School, I still talk to. Pearl, Job, Zach, and even Mark from time to time. However... I don't really talk to anyone from my old church. And there's no one before high school still in my life. I have a friend that I met while I was in college (he didn't go to school there, he was just visiting), and I still talk to him a lot. But no one else from college.

I don't know... Do I try to escape relationships or ties? Or has my environment not allowed many relationships or ties? Or am I just really picky in whom I choose to surround myself with, and this leads to short-lived relationships?

I really think the only way I'm going to "answer" this question is to ask my mom what she meant. But until I find a way to ask her without coming across as defensive -- what do you think?

Thursday, May 25, 2006

I remember a time... But now...

I remember a time when I had never heard of the Wiggles.
But now I don't go a day without seeing at least an hour of Wiggles.

I remember a time when I would sleep until the alarm woke me.
But now I don't even set the alarm -- my kid wakes me up every morning.

I remember a time when I would spend 20 minutes in the shower every morning.
But now I'm sneaking in a five minute shower right before bed at night.

I remember a time when I could sit and eat an entire bowl of sugar cereal, and I was too thin.
But now I end up sharing over half of a bowl with my two yr. old, and I still can't lose that baby fat.

I remember a time when sentences consisted of nouns and properly conjugated verbs.
But now I'm really excited if a sentence contains more than two words.

I remember a time when all my tops fit properly, and I always had something clean to wear.
But now all my tops are stretched from Baby pulling on them, and he's lucky if his sheets are clean by naptime -- forget washing clothes just to wear them that night.

I remember a time when I hated being alone because it was boring.
But now I crave alone time, and something is always happening.

You know, my life has changed a lot in the last two years. But I'm okay with that. I'm glad of most of the changes, and I wouldn't go back to the way it used to be.

Sorry I've been so absent the last month. I hit a rough patch, and it was a struggle just to get my daily tasks done. I'm doing better now, and we're taking steps toward preventing future "rough" patches.

Monday, May 01, 2006

A long week...

It has been a very, very long week.

*Ziggie and I had a fight last Sunday. It was a doosie. By Monday we had things straightened out, and we're doing better on that level.
*I haven't been sleeping this last week.
*We started training to be foster parents last Saturday and on Tuesday I called to let them know that we wouldn't be attending the next two classes, and not to expect us for another year or two. That was very disappointing to me.
*We had a tiny pregnancy scare this week. I've been PMSing for way too long this time. My mom says it's normal at this stage in life.
*On Wednesday I passed a test that I failed on my last try. Thank you, Ziggie!! God really gave me a clear head this time, and I was able to finish very quickly, despite everything in my personal life. I am now IC3 certified!!
*Saturday we got together with my family, and I got to hold my newest baby sister for the first time. It was a lot of fun to see my parents and to hold that tiny little child. Later that evening we got together with some of Ziggie's friends from college, and it was a lot of fun. I've gotten pretty close to this couple, and I really enjoy their company.
*Yesterday was nice. I got to sit in the service for the first time in a while (between nursery and family illnesses, I've missed several sermons), and was really uplifted by the opportunity. I hadn't realized how much I missed hearing my pastor preach until I was just sitting there, soaking in every word, like a camel that hadn't been given water in a month.
*Baby woke up early today, and was very excited to see that the sun was up. It was bright out, but very, very muddy; so I couldn't just stick him in the backyard like I'm wont to do when he's hyper and I'm not. I had the worst headache in the world and spent the morning trying to explain why Mommy couldn't stand light, noise, or food -- three things a toddler absolutely cannot live without massive amounts of each day. I spent the majority of the day in a massive depression -- battling several other negative mood swings throughout the day and counting the minutes until bedtime.
*After a long day without a nap, and a very bad scare involving my two year old in the middle of the street and some young punk honking at him and scaring him senseless (so instead of moving, he just froze!), my husband got home, and took me away from the house. My headache finally went away, and we got a lock for the front door that Baby will not be able to undo -- and nor will anyone else in the known universe. I'm convinced that if this thing ever gets on we will never again use the front door. We also got some stuff to keep the dog from tearing apart the yard, and some new towel racks to keep me from tearing apart the house. We went out to dinner, where my son behaved very well, was polite to everyone he encountered, and ate a massive dinner.

So now it's after midnight, and I can't sleep again (what else is new?). I'm going to talk to the doctor about this at my annual next week. Something is wrong, and I want it fixed. Plus, he thinks he may know why I can't eat certain foods, and why I get sick other times. We took some blood, and the results will be back two days before my appointment. Nothing urgent, just exciting to feel one step closer. I've decided to adopt Edison's attitude. Every test we do is not another failure -- it is simply another problem ruled out. If this test is negative, I can rejoice that I do not have this problem, and will refuse to fear that what I really have is worse.

If you're the praying type, please pray that I begin getting sleep. This will solve a lot of my problems -- or at least alleviate the symptoms until we figure out what's wrong. My mood swings, pain, concentration levels, and thought patterns are all very drastically being affected, and I don't like living like this. I don't like putting my family through this. With God's mercy, we have made it, and are coming out strong at the moment. But we need prayers.

Thanks guys.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Insert Title Here:

There are days when I really wish that I weren't Mommy. Today is not one of them. I am so proud of my little boy today. He is sweet, and helpful, and utterly innocent (meaning he's not malicious).

My Mother-in-Law (MiL) bought this little boy a movie "Once Upon a Potty" and a doll and "potty" to go with it. My son absolutely loves this little anatomically correct doll, and calls him Tony. Today he saw that I had a sink full of bubbles. BabyBoy bathes in bubbles, and to his recollection, Tony has never had a bath. So Baby Tony got tossed into my filthy sink water, to get a bath.

There is a certain children's character that has the same name as my FiL (Father-in-Law). Yesterday we put a diaper on BabyBoy that had this character on it, and he yelled, "Papa!! Papa!!" and we tried to tell him he was wrong, it was just a character, but he just kept shouting "Papa!! Papa!!" This morning he demanded that he "Papa Talk Call!! Papa talk call!!" So we called Papa, and my son actually talked to him. He told him where he was, and what he had for breakfast, and about his diaper, and the puppy knocking him over. And I sat here in amazement as my tiny baby carried on an entire conversation with his grandfather, who didn't have a clue what was being said to him. :D

In short, I am proud that my son is sweet, and caring, and mostly obedient. He is a joy to have around, and I'm not the only one who says so. I love it when I have to let someone watch him, and they tell me how polite he was. I love that the Lord has worked in our lives to the point that when my son mimics us, he mimics politeness and kindness, and good behavior. What a blessing the Lord has given me. And what a blessing that HE has given me the heart to see HIS hand on my son.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Mommee... Kisses

So my son is at this delightful stage in which every "boo-boo" can be fixed with a kiss. I love it, actually. I love *him*. He scraped his knee on a friend's trike pedal today, and he keeps coming up to me and asking me to kiss it. I wish all our problems were so tangible that we could just kiss them all better.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Grin -- don't you love it?

Last night I had four awesome, feature-length dreams. I know that I've gotten good sleep when I have a good, feature-length dream. And I had four last night!! Four that I can remember really well. I love dreams like that. And they were happy dreams. I like happy dreams.

Anyway, I swung my feet out of bed this morning, and immediately felt that finally - at long last - I have escaped from under the cloud that has been following me around the last few weeks. I felt like I was back to my happy, satisfied person.

I had a great day today. I went to a informational meeting for Foster care. I signed us up for the classes you have to take, and we're all set for the adoption stuff too. I am so eager, so excited. I filled out a lot of the paperwork today. My husband went to the doctor, and got some meds to help him feel better. I got part of the den cleaned out, and put like six pieces of furniture out on the lawn to be taken, and they all were!! Hooray!! So I cleaned some clutter out of my house, and I got rid of a bunch of boxes in the garage. I just feel soo... accomplished, so DONE!!

And I'm happy. I'm not thinking too hard about things. I got enough sleep, and I feel like I've settled something for myself, although I'm not really sure what it is. And I'm Okay with that -- the not knowing. I feel like during my sleep last night, God waved a little pixie dust over me, and said, Look chica!! You need to just relax!! I've got it all in control, and you'll figure it out in time. Just let things be, and let them happen. And the pixie dust hasn't worn off yet, and I love that feeling.

I danced tonight. I turned on the TV to watch one of my shows, and the theme song is really upbeat and peppy. And I waggled my hips and flailed my arms, and I just danced around the living room. I feel great. I feel AMAZING. And I know that God has begun a good work in me today. I know that this joy, this moment right now, will spread throughout my life, and will intoxicate all who come in contact with me. I know that *I* am in control of my emotions, not the other way around, and that just a little time spent with HIM can remind me of that, and can turn my whole attitude around.

Oh, I wish you could see me right now. I am sitting here, typing madly, chewing on the corner of my bottom lip, and just -- GRINning. I love to grin. I love the way a true GRIN starts deep down with the beat of your heart. I love that it spreads up, and you can see it in your eyes first. I love the way the corners of your eyes will crinkle up right before you just bust out with a huge smile, that makes the apples of your cheeks swell up and turn just a little pink. I love the way that even when your lips are done turning up, and the smile part is over, and you're just looking at someone, something... you still feel the grin in your cheek muscles, and in your eyelids, and in the beat of your heart.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Dark thoughts...

Today I'm doing -- okay. I'm struggling with some of my personality, and we all know how difficult that can be. I have a tendency to cling to the past, but I usually attach my past to a tangible object. I'm struggling right now, however, with a few relationships. I wonder if perhaps I am clinging to these relationships as a way of clinging to my past. I wonder if perhaps I'm thwarting God's best plans for me... I still have a lot of soul searching and prayer to do before I come to a conclusion for this.

I keep finding myself being angry at people who did me wrongs very long ago. I am surprised to see some of the violence I am feeling toward these people -- I thought I had conquered this tendency. I wonder if I am reacting physically now because that is what I used to do. I mean... for example, last night I was thinking about something that my birth sister did to me that really hurt my feelings, and was one of the final straws before my parents sent me away. She hid some food wrappers in my room -- food she had stolen from stores and from our family's freezer. Then she pretended to be sick, and while I was at school, she took Mom into my room to show her all these wrappers. She said she had wanted to borrow a book from me and had found a wrapper by accident. At the time I was furious with her -- I got a great deal of punishment and had to pay for all the food that she had stolen. It was *a lot* of food. I actually wanted to hit her, but knew that I would get in trouble. I still have that desire to hit her... and I wonder if I have that desire because I am dwelling on something in my past, so I react the way I would have in my past. But I still don't understand -- we had plenty of food in the house, and our parents never said no if we said we were hungry. Why did she steal the food? It would also have been much easier to simply throw the wrappers out in the neighbor's trash, or at a friends house, or school, or the store, or anything. Why did she go to the trouble of hiding them all over my room? At the time, we were getting along great, and I hadn't done anything mean to her in a long time. Why did she feel the need to hurt me like that, to get me into so much trouble? That's why I'm so angry. I don't know why she did it at all -- the thought that she planned it, and acted purposefully, just infuriates me.

At this moment I am not angry with her, I am merely sorry that she did it... sorry for her and her soul... and somewhat puzzled. There are other circumstances I keep remembering, and I keep feeling the same feelings I felt then -- frustration, injustice, trapped, and *hurt.* I don't know how to deal with these issues now, so long after they have happened, except to choose not to dwell on them. And I can't help but wonder -- am I merely stuffing them down, so that they will resurface later? Or am I actually choosing to forgive in that instant (which is ultimately what I *want* to do), and I just have to consistently forgive when the thought comes back?

Any thoughts?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Missing You...

I've been struggling a lot today with the "what if's" of life. Not just things in the past, but also in the future. I find myself very sad, and a little heartbroken, and I can't really explain it all.

It really started a week ago now, when I found out that my best friend from High School (I'll call her Pearl) was being visited by two other very dear friends of mine. I found myself immediately jealous of all three of them. I was jealous of Pearl because she got to see these other dear friends. I was jealous of my dear friends because they got to see Pearl.

For me, this is a daily struggle. When I was in High School, the Lord positioned me in a very tight circle of friends and family -- for the first time in my life I belonged. I met people that I grew to love and that loved me back -- for the first time in my life love was a two way street. And these people are still so very very dear to my heart. And I live two hours from them. We very rarely talk -- we all have busy schedules and long distance is expensive. We see each other even more rarely, and with the rising price of gas, the time that passes between visits will stretch longer and longer.

I miss these people with every fiber of my being some days. Today is one of those days. I want nothing more than to sit in a circle on the floor of my parents' living room and just enjoy my friends and my family. I want to see my parents more often. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to journey down to see Pearl for myself. I hate that life is moving on all around us, and that they're not a part of my daily life anymore. I just miss them so much!!

I love my son and my husband, and I wouldn't trade them for the world!! Please don't misunderstand me. I just wish that somehow I could drag them down to Indy and we could all live there. I don't want to be back in High School. I just want to be a part of my friend's lives. I guess I don't want to be forgotten. When I see my friends, I don't want to be reenacting a chapter from my past -- I want to be extending my future. I once knew these people backwards and forwards. I knew who all their friends were, and had heard their stories so many times I could tell them better than my friends sometimes. And now I call and they're living life with new friends and loved ones. And I don't know who these new people are or what part they play in the life of this person I love. What things could they tell me about my friend that I don't know anymore?

I know that I struggle with change. I tend to cling to things just because they remind me of someone or something I loved, even though I will always have those memories, even without the memento. I wonder if my calls to my friends are like those mementos -- am I trying too hard to cling to my past? Have these people played out their roles in my life, and I'm trying to drag them back onto the stage, when they don't really belong? And how come they get to be a part of each other's lives, but I can't be? I'm not really bitter, like that sounds... I'm just sad. I miss my friends.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006


A friend of a friend posted this, and I feel that it is particularly appropriate tonight. My son is two, and is very, very fond of his "Bath!! Buzzles!!" (Bubble bath) Tonight I turned on the water and poured in the bubbles and went to put the dog outside. When I came back, BigBoy was sitting in the tub, happily playing with his ducks and foam letters. I turned off the water and left again, staying within earshot. All of a sudden I hear "heehee heehee heehee... HA HA HA!!" This odd sound repeats itself a few more times, really really loudly. Then I hear KER-TWHAP-BUMP-DONK. I go rushing in, in time to see my son stand back up and run to the other end of the tub. KER-TWHAP-BUMP-DONK. Feet hit side of tub, butt hits water, feet hit tub again, butt hits tub again. "HEEHEE HEEHEE HEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

I looked down, and I had to be standing in at least an inch of water. I said, "Topher, keep the water in the tub!" He grinned, pointed, and said, "You mess, Mommy." And I said, "Do you know how the mess got here?"

Ahh... Sleep.

So I'm feeling pretty good today. I'm wearing new pants that feel great. I have a love/hate relationship with my new pants. I love that they fit great, feel great, are a beautiful color, and were inexpensive. I hate that I found them in the women's section. But I feel more attractive in these "big" jeans than I have felt in any of my "thin" jeans for the last two years!! I think this may be the motivation I need to lose that extra ten pounds. Who would have thought that buying a bigger pair of pants would make me want to lose weight -- not because they're bigger, but because they make me feel great!

Okay -- beyond the jeans. :D I went to work at 5:30 this morning, and we flew. I did pretty well: not my best by any means, but still respectable. We had very few corrections to make, and we were out of there by 12:30!! I stopped by my best friend's house and talked with her for a while. I got to feed her baby and play with her puppy too.

My son's sitter's cat just had five little kittens yesterday. She's very protective of them, but they're very beautiful. Two are going to be tiger stripped -- orange and tan, and two are going to be dark slate grey, and one is going to be brown and grey speckles, like his momma. We actually haven't determined the gender of any of the kittens yet. I'm dying to have one, and so is BabyBoy, but Hubby is allergic. So I won't try to slowly poison my husband to death, no matter how much I want a tiny little kitty. Plus, momma and daddy are both really tiny cats -- skinny and small boned -- so the kids have a good chance of being really sleek and beautiful.

My son has been begging to sleep in the "big boy" bed at his sitter's house, and he's done really well at staying in it. I'm really thinking that he's completely ready for the toddler bed my MiL got him. It's got a guardrail, so it would be a great transition from crib to toddler. My sitter's kids don't have rails on their beds, and Baby does fine in those. It's amazing to me, because she lets her kids leave toys all over the floor, and Booger doesn't try to play. He lays down really still, and stays until she opens the door and tells him he can get up.

Life isn't really complicated right now. I'm getting better quality sleep than I've gotten in a long time. God has really blessed us: a new mattress, new sheets (big difference!!), a healthy tummy, a good job, a sweet hubby, a relatively clean house, and a support system to help me deal better with stress. I'm not lying in bed at night thinking of "one more thing" that needs to go on my list. I'm not waking at two in the morning with a desperate need to journal to get all my thoughts out of my brain. And if I do wake at two, I can get back to sleep in like ten minutes. I'm taking a natural supplement to help hair and nails, and it helps me sleep better. A lot of my stressers (money, clutter, health) have been getting better slowly. And I talked with my dad for a while a week or so ago, and we really worked some things out for me, I think. He showed me how I've forgotten to include God in this struggle, and as I remember to include HIM, I sleep better and better.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Reality Check ~sigh~

Well, today I finally did it. I went into a store, and I walked straight to the women's section. I didn't even pause in the juniors' or misses'. Do you know how long it's taken me to even meander into the women's section? I never have!! And because of my refusal to face reality, all of my jeans have holes worn into the seats. I looked at all these cute little jeans in sizes 0 and 2, and was a little envious. But I didn't fool myself any longer that if I just work out a little longer, I will someday be a size 8 again. I'm a 16. Wow... seeing it in print just seems so... definite. I may maybe eventually someday get down to a 12, and be able to shop in the misses again, but I will never again look at a 5/6 and think to myself, "two more months". It kind of hurt, walking up to the register, and knowing that I had finally succumbed to reality.

You know... when I started this journal, I thought it would be an outlet for all my deepest thoughts. I thought that finally I could get some of the heavy stuff off my chest -- maybe gain some validation, some appreciation, some perspective. And a lot of this I've gained. My friends back me up, or set me straight when I need it. But I'm a little disappointed to find that my deepest darkest secrets consist of the size my butt has grown to, and what word my son learned to say today ("big butt" in case you're wondering).

So I'm facing a reality check on many levels. 1) I am a human being, and a female human being. My body changes and will continue to change, and it will never be the same as when I was 16. 2) I am not the deep, intellectual being I thought I was. I am simply a person with a few simple, and relatively inconsequential, struggles. In the end, my being is not changed by either of these realizations, and perhaps this is what disappoints me. I feel that I have a reached a plateau in self discovery.

Friday, March 31, 2006


Yesterday's indulgence in my spring fever did not come without a cost: I have had a headache all day long today. I got sunburned from all my fun in the sun, and I always get a headache on the first day of a burn. Fortunately I was wearing a short sleeved shirt, so my shoulders didn't get any burn at all. If I get one more burn on my shoulders like I've had in the past, I'm going to have to get a biopsy for melanoma. I really don't want to get cancer, so I'm really going to try hard this season NOT to burn so badly!!

This morning my son dragged me out into the chilly, wet, windy day to ride his tricycle around the block. The child doesn't realize that just because we spent all day outside yesterday, we can't do the same every day for the rest of his life!! Oh well, I literally walked two miles today!!

This evening I had to work. We were supposed to be counting from 7-9, and I guessed that we'd be done around 8:30. But we finished at 7:00!! I was so very excited!! It stormed really badly for about half an hour, and when it was done, there was the most beautiful rainbow... It was so bright and so glowing, and it even had a double!! You could see the whole arch of it!!

I remember one night when I was in high school. I was working at the bookstore with one other person, and it had been raining for the majority of the day. My coworker went out to help a someone load her car, and he came running back in. "Shut the drawer and come outside!!" He dragged me out to the little bit of grass between the parking lot and the road, and we stood there, just basking in the demonstration of God's promise. It's the most beautiful rainbow in my memory. We didn't stay long, but still...

The first time I remember seeing a rainbow was on my sister's fourth birthday. We were on Hilton Head island for an insurance conference, and we stayed a couple extra days for Mandy's birthday. And I remember being so jealous that God gave her a rainbow, and not me. But it was so wonderful.

I have always loved rainbows. I am so disappointed that they have become a symbol of the gay rights movement. I wish rainbows had kept their purity. Every time I see a rainbow, I am filled with awe. It is a reminder that when it rained tonight, God could have kept going. He could have flooded the earth again. But He didn't. He stopped, and put a ribbon in the sky to hold the floods back. I wonder if when God looks at the rainbow, He reminds Himself that He loves us. There are times when I am so frustrated with my son that I just have to sit and remind myself that I love him. At those times, I will often give him an extra hug, or a piece of chocolate, just for being my baby. I wonder if that's what a rainbow is - a hug for the whole world.

Rainbows are one of the few things that I have absolutely no negative memories associated with. Every time I have seen a rainbow, something wonderful has happened or was happening. It is a precious gift from God to me, because there are very very few things that have no negative associations for me. And the fact that He chooses to reinforce this promise in my life over and over and over is just beautiful. I rarely see rainbows. In all my life, I only remember five specific rainbows. Three have been in the last five years.

Dear Father,
Thank you. What more can I say?

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Ahhh, nature...

This morning I took my very hyper tiny little man over to his sitter's. I needed to get some school work and Pampered Chef done, and make some calls, and he was just too BUSY!! So I got a little work done, and my dog begged to go out. So I let him out and saw just how BEAUTIFUL it is today!!

I stopped my work and spent about 15 minutes in the garden. I moved some dirt around and found a couple more baby flowers. I'm so excited about all the flowers that are coming up. Then I worked a little more on my work. Then I grabbed the leash and my bike and took the dog for a run. It was the first time that he's run with me while I was riding, but he learned fairly quickly not to dart in front of me while we were going! He got hit three times by my front tire, and didn't do it again! Funny dog. So I got to do two of my favorite things in the whole wide world today -- ride my bike and dig in the dirt. I even dragged the laptop and the phones outside, and I'm sitting out back, just enjoying the sun and the breeze, and my work!!

Today is one of those days when I just shake my head and wonder, How can people believe that God isn't good? I know that life is crappy sometimes - I'm struggling with my own hardships at the moment. But then a day like today comes along, and I am so thankful for the tiny little bit of love I can see. It's as though God has wrapped his arm around my shivering heart, and he's saying "I know honey. I know. I don't like what we're going through any more than you do. I can't do anything about it right now though - I'm growing you. I know it's tough, but here, I'll tell you what. Have a pretty sunny day and feel better. We can puzzle this over later. Right now, just enjoy me. Don't ask why, don't wait for the shadows of tomorrow... just enjoy the gift." And my tiny little heart gives a half-hearted smile and looks outside. And the warmth is amazing, and the breeze is refreshing, and I can relax.

Luke 16: 22-31 says "22Then Jesus said to his disciples: 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. 23Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. 24Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! 25Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? 26Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? 27Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 28If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. 30For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.'"

Baby and I played outside until naptime. Then he napped while I pooper scoopered the entire back yard. Then we played outside until Daddy came home. Then we walked 5/6 of a mile as a family, and then played in the backyard with a girl from down the street. We didn't finally go inside until 7:05 pm!! What a beautiful day it has been! I am so thankful for such a wonderful introduction to Spring.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Work and other meaningful things

I love my job. I know you hear that all the time, but I really do love it. I get lots of time by myself to just think about stuff as I count. I often plot out little posts in my brain, that never quite make it onto the computer. I recite whatever Bible verse I am trying to memorize. I enjoy the time to just work. Tonight I got to work with some people that I really really enjoy. At one point I was pulled aside to work one on one with a store employee as we counted some stuff way up high. We didn't talk a lot, but at one point I asked my boss if I should still be trying for 500 pieces per hour (PPH) up there. And she said, "If you can get 500 pieces an hour, you need some kind of reward!!" And I came out with 509. When I told her, she said, "Okay, now try for Six hundred." :D I ended the night with 624 PPH, well over the target PPH for tonight's audit.

Ziggie and I have still not decided about the expansion of our family. I think we're getting closer to a decision. The difficulty is that most people wait four or five years into their marriage to have kids. We had our son right off the bat, and now we're kind of stuck. Which timeline is better for our family right now? Should we have all our kids in a group, like normal? Or should we wait a few years into our marriage to have kids, like normal? lol... Both are normal, but neither is normal for us!!

I have a big test tomorrow afternoon -- Monday the 27th at 1pm, so pray for me if you think of it. It's a good three or four hour test, and I'm a little nervous. I'm not quite sure if I'm ready for it, but I'll find out when I get there.

I need to get to bed so I can get up with BabyBoy tomorrow morning. I want to spend a little time with him before I leave. I may not get back until almost his bed time.

So good night all, and thanks for your prayers!!

Saturday, March 25, 2006

too much...

I've had a little too much to drink. And I'm drunk. I've never really been drunk before. I've had drinks -- mostly just sips every now and then, and I've gotten a slight buzz before, but I've never been drunk like this. I've always wondered what I'm like when I'm drunk. Now I know. My emotions are wobbling up and down. One minute I'm giggly, the next I'm apologizing for everything. I find myself increasingly worried that Ziggie will be annoyed or irritated. I'm dizzy, and can't sit straight. It started out as just a sip to calm me after an exciting night. But I liked the taste and just mindlessly kept drinking.

I was wrong. And even as I sit here, still reeling, I'm sorry for it. I don't like being this drunk. I like the feeling a small drink brings -- I get relaxed, and kind of giggly. But right now I don't feel in control, and it feels wrong. I know it's wrong.

I've had some bread and crackers and a little water -- I'm afraid any more water will make me throw up. While that might relieve my stomach ache, it really won't help any. I'm glad that I at least stopped before I wanted too. I didn't drink the whole 20 oz. bottle. Just about 12 oz. or so. But still -- it was too much.

I'm dizzy, and I don't like this feeling -- not really. I like the new experience. Everything is crystal clear, like when I get a new prescription for my glasses. Even without my glasses, I can see farther than usual. But I don't like the dizzy feeling. I don't like it when I realize that if my son were to cry right now, I wouldn't be able to pick him up without falling over. I don't like kissing my husband and hearing that I smell like booze.

The goal was to just take a sip or two to calm my nerves, but I took it too far. I know that I'm not really going to struggle to get to sleep, but this isn't how I wanted to get to sleep. I wanted to fall asleep on my own, not because I can't stay awake. I wanted to be able to take care of my son in the morning, so my husband could sleep in. I wanted to just get a little calm, not have too much.

What is it that made me go too far? Was it my desire to be "bad"? Was it the flavor of the drink? Is it that I'm not really a Christian?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


So the last two weeks I've been very, very sore. So I went to the doctor, afraid of cancer or some such. (There are other reasons for the cancer thing, not just that I was sore or paranoid.) And he tells me that it's one of my medicines -- the one that helps me sleep. So I stopped taking it. This morning I got out of bed, and all the soreness was gone!! Unfortunately, it came with a price. I only got about an hour and a half of sleep last night.

I hate these kind of nights. Why can't I sleep on my own? For a few months, I went through life on about ten hours of sleep a week. And I don't want to do that again. But neither do I want to live with this pain. How do you guys fall asleep at night? My dad just "stops thinking". How do you all accomplish that?

I thought, rather, I had really hoped that I had conquered my insomnia. I'm not making insanely long task lists. I'm not freaking about vacuuming and dusting. I'm not Nazi Gestapo with the knives anymore. I thought that these things were keeping me up. But I guess not. Last night, I just lay there, looking at the wall. I wasn't thinking anything in particular. I got up to pee. I got an extra blanket. I switched pillows with Ziggie. I peed again. I plucked my eyebrows. I tried sleeping on the couch, then with the dog. I watched a little TV. And I wasn't able to sleep more than ten minutes straight until almost 7 this morning.

I'm distressed. There are a lot of things rolling around in my heart right now, but they aren't pressing me. I should have been able to sleep. And that worries me. I wonder how much all the other stuff is really doing for me. I wonder how much it helps. How much of my improvement stems from merely getting enough sleep? And how do I get enough sleep on my own?

Eck... I'm repeating myself now. I'm tired, but not really exhausted. I'll be like this for another day, max, and then I'll start feeling anxious again. I know these feelings. I can feel the thoughts boiling, simmering, stewing behind my eyes. How long this time until they bubble over? How long until I have another panic attack? How much longer will I have to live in pain?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Lullabies and So Big

I have very fond memories of my sister's father, when she and I were both still very little. At night, he would tuck us each into our beds, and he would sing to us. He had a very rich baritone, and is the one who started a love of music in my heart. He would tuck us into bed, first Mandy, then me. Then he would go and kneel by her bed and sing "All night, All day... Angels watching over me, my Lord. All night. All day... Angels watching over me." Then he would come and kneel by my bed and sing the same. I remember one time when he was taking me back to Indiana, and a great song cam on the radio -- one he used to sing at home. And I asked him, "Will you please sing for me, Daddy?" And he did. I love his voice.

At night, I've been rocking with my son in my arms, just before I put him down. I don't rock until he's asleep, but until he's done bonding with me. I used to sing all kinds of hymns. I love the old hymns. They tell the most beautiful stories. And... well, they remind me of my childhood. I was so young that I just believed what my parents did. Such a young faith... Anyway. I loved that time of sharing a little bit of my past with my son. And recently he doesn't want to hear the beautiful hymns that I want to sing to him.

My son's lullaby of choice: The Wheels on the Bus. His favorite verse: "the horn on the bus goes Beep beep beep..." When it gets to that part, he sings "beep beep beep beep" right along with me. And at the end he says "to-own". It's so cute, and I love that we're bonding his way now. But I do miss singing those hymns to him. I miss the way he would rest his head on my shoulder. Now he's all making motions with his hands and stuff. He goes down just as easy as ever... but I still miss the quiet time with him.

He's getting so big now. I just wish that he stay little... just in one little part of his life. But he won't. Not for a long time. Some day, some day he'll drag a toy around, a part of him will stay tiny. But not yet. Right now he needs to establish his independence from me, his own routines, and his own security items. One day he'll need his mommy again. But right now, right now I get to just sit back and watch as the Lord guides my baby by the hand.

I can't wait to watch as the Lord guides him in the ways of wisdom and truth, not just conscience.

You know my precious little boy. You fashioned him in my womb, and you already have a plan for him. I look at his tiny little face, and it baffles me that you know what he will do with the rest of hislife. Tomorrow has no meaning to him, and yet you have all of his tomorrows planned. Father, I know that you may choose to take him tonight... and I'm not sure what I would do if you did. But Father, please leave him in my care a little longer. Please let me see him grow up into a man like my father. Help him to learn to love you with all of his heart, and to share that love with others. Make his father and me good examples -- let us live your love and your word to him every moment of every day. Thank you for the awesome privilege of watching your plans unfold in his tiny, but precious, little life.

Sentimental Reasons

Right now I'm feeling particularly sentimental. I am missing some people that are very close to my heart. I spoke with a friend this afternoon who is realizing that his relationship with his girlfriend is not glorifying God. They've been together just for the sake of being together, and he's learning that this is not what God has in mind for him.

I had a very short relationship once that was just for the sake of being in a relationship. While I did genuinely care for the young man, our relationship wasn't made to go anywhere, and when we broke up, I wasn't hurt. I did miss him, but not as much as I had thought I would. Right after this, I met my husband, and now I realize that while I was dating this other man, God was trying to give me His best.

Anyway... my friend is in a rougher position, because he really cares for this girl, and would like to marry her, but she isn't interested in pleasing God with her choices. She would rather run from her problems than face them, and this troubles my friend. Slowly he has been growing toward the Lord, and has learned a lot about patience in the last two years. But now he finds his own desires conflicting with God's, and that's not fun.

My friend's emotional conflict has made me miss some of my first true friends. Pearl was my best friend, even when I wasn't a very good friend to her. And I am so glad that she continued to pursue me. She has become very near to my heart, and I wish I could be with her.

I'm missing my high school friends, two in particular. I miss just hanging out and laughing. I miss not really worrying about what God had in store for our big pictures, but learning to trust Him in the little things together. I miss the jokes and the way we knew everything about each other. I miss truly being able to share with another person, and knowing that they would care, even if they couldn't truly understand. I miss the companionship that resulted from being together all the time.

One of my friends from High School wrote a short note that really encouraged me today. I miss his daily encouragement, his daily enthusiasm for the Lord and His Word. So friend, thank you.

I remember one night we all went to hang out on the canal, and we took peanut butter and jelly and break, and we made sandwiches. We offered to anyone who passed by, but only one little girl accepted. She asked her parents, and they just kind of laughed as we made her a sandwich. We had so much fun. I remember watching the Matrix over and over whenever I went to Pearl's house. I remember walking through the woods with Job and his family. They were so much fun, and really enjoyed teasing each other.

I think the thing I miss most about High School is the people -- the feeling of truly belonging. Every now and then I would be laughing with friends, and I would just sit back and think how awesome it was that we were together, that I was a part of them. And I would have to blink really hard so they wouldn't know I was crying inside -- just from the sheer joy of their presence.

I want to thank You for the relationships You have placed in my life. I want to thank you for the lessons You taught through these special friends. Please place Your hand on them today, and help them to feel that joy of companionship today. Thank You for such a blessing. Father, You are so good, and You have the ultimate good planned for our lives. Please help us to get out of Your way, so that You may be glorified. And Father, I don't want to live in the past today. Help me to be thankful for the way You have changed these relationships to play a different role in my life. Help me not to pine for what I've lost, but to take joy in what I have gained. Thank You for allowing these relationships to mature in Your time, and not in ours. Please be with my friend as he makes this difficult decision. Help him to obey, no matter how hard it is. And Father... show him the joy that You showed me today.
Thank You for Your love. Amen.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


It's been a month since Valentine's, and it's one more month until a friend's birthday. It's kind of a fun anniversary to celebrate. Friend -- enjoy your last 31 days before you're no longer in your early teens!!

I got my essay for that class I hate done yesterday. I feel really awesome having that off my shoulders. I just have to wait for the prof to send it back, then I edit it, and I'm done with the class for good!! Let me tell you: I am never taking a critical thinking/problem solving class again!!

I got a lot done this morning, as well, and I feel pretty good.

Saturday I went down to Indy to see my parents, and we had a ton of fun. I did a Pampered Chef party for my mom, and it went really well. Ziggie took Baby to the Children's Museum with my dad and siblings, and they had a lot of fun, too. Sunday we stayed home from church so Baby could make up for his missed nap and late night, and we just enjoyed being a family together. After Baby went to bed, Ziggie and I just sat on the sofa and read for a while. It was very, very pleasant.

Well... I'm tired right now, and I'm not sure why. I got my full eight hours last night. I think...

So off I go!! Nigh' Night!!

Friday, March 10, 2006


Well, yesterday was interesting... to say the least. I got my homework done and sent it to my prof for revisions. I still have the final essay due on Wed. and I just started the Intro. So I'm just a little under a quarter of the way done. Eh well.

I called in to work because there were two people working that I didn't feel like working with, and I was feeling particularly crabby. I didn't feel like getting fired for fighting with Dani (as usual, not her real name). So I called in, and I don't have to work again until Sunday night. Yay!!

Ziggie and I caught up on some TV last night, and he went to bed early.

Today I ran a bunch of errands. I'm feeling pretty good. Not as great as I felt when I went to bed last night, but I'm excited to have friends over tonight. I'm going to get some other friends to come out in a week or so and watch Baby, so that I can force Ziggie to go see She's the Man with me. :D I'm really gonna have to twist his arm on that one!!

I started a really good book a couple weeks ago, and I'm on like chapter four. I just never get the time to sit down and read it. Between homework, work, and errands, I barely have time for my son and husband, much less pleasure reading. Oh well. I wouldn't trade my Booger or my Ziggie for enough free time to read all the books in the world.

Well... that's it from me!!

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Happy Thoughts...

I feel amazing tonight. I am so energized. It's going to take a while before I can fall asleep. :D I had so much fun at work tonight. We did a Victoria's Secret, and it was a hard store. Lingerie is always difficult, under the best of circumstances - but a store full of it is nearly impossible. :D I had a lot of fun, though.

I really, really like the people I'm working with now. The night team are all people who like their job, and really try to do their best. We work really well together, and we all know it. I am so glad to be a part of such a fun team. God has truly blessed me.

I like that there is always conversation going on. I can sit and be quiet and just beep beep beep away, or I can laugh and giggle and carry on with the rest - whatever I'm in the mood for.

Today was a pretty good day. My son is feeling a thousand times better, and my husband made it through more of the day at work than he did yesterday. I'm so proud of him. :D He tries so hard to help me, and he really makes me happy. Again... I am so blessed.

Well, I'm in the middle of an awesome book. It's a Nora Roberts book, Dancing on Air. The main character is running from an abusive relationship, and it amazes me the insight that Mrs. Roberts has into the heart of an abused person. I have never been abused by my husband, so I wouldn't say that I've been where this character is. But I have been abused; I have run from it; and I have felt the relief of truly starting over and beginning to heal.

I'm going to go read a chapter and head off to bed with happy thoughts. :D

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Eh, well, I think it's true...

Maybe you could...
You scored 18% Cold and 66% Level-Headed!
In a pinch, you could do it, but you'd need a very good reason to. And you're not going to be too happy afterward.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 4% on Cold

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 77% on Level-Headed
Link: The Can You Kill a Man? Test written by notmarkflynn on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Anniversary Part 2

It seems that on my last post, I didn't fully communicate my joy about this anniversary.

This anniversary marks:
1. the end of abuse in my life -- both mental and physical
2. the beginning of my true journey toward salvation
3. the beginning of a new life for me. It was during this time that I transformed from Claire to Claire-Elaine -- similar to Saul's metamorphosis into Paul
4. the beginning of stability in my life
5. the first time in my life that I was able to stay in one school, one church -- I made friends during the last eight years that I still keep in touch with; friends that I still love
6. the second time in my life that I truly felt at home -- loved and appreciated
7. a feeling of security that I had never felt before -- the end of constant fear in my life
8. the beginning of a relationship that would eventually lead to my forever family
9. the healing of a rotten wound
10. a time when Christ was truly able to apply His peace to my heart
11. the breaking down of many strongholds within my soul
12. the transformation of so many ashes into the beauty He had planned all along

In short, I am exhilarated to celebrate this anniversary. It was the beginning of so much joy for me, and the end of so much pain.

I celebrate this anniversary because I know that every year, as I look back to this special day, I will see more and more that God has done in my life. I am so excited to see what He will have accomplished in my heart after 10 years, 15, 20. I have no idea what His plans are, but I'm no longer afraid of them. I embrace His will for my life, and I'm so eager to continue on that journey.

Monday, March 06, 2006


Today is an anniversary for me. I have lived in the same state for eight years now. I've known my parents for eight years now.

Eight years ago today was a Friday. My sister's dad loaded the van with all the stuff we had packed during the two weeks before. The other three went to stay with our grandparents. Then Charles and Ann and I drove to Indiana. I remember wishing that it were just me and Charles. I sat in the back, all crammed in among my stuff, and read a book.

When we got to Indianapolis, Charles and Ann went into an office with my caseworker, and they talked for about two and a half hours. I sat in a chair in the hallway and looked at a Real Estate guide. I napped a little, and flipped through some other similar guides. I remember there was a bowl of peppermints downstairs, and I got one as we left.

When we left, we followed my caseworker's blue truck to the home I would be living in. We got there, and I was relieved to get out of the van. I was nervous, and I wondered if I would recognize anyone. There were two little boys playing in another room while we unloaded all my stuff. One was my oldest little brother, and the other was the first child to come live with my new parents.

We toured the house, and then my sister's parents left. We had KFC for dinner, my choice. :D Then we discovered that we had accidentally unloaded Ann's bag, and we had to mail it back the next day.

It's amazing to think about how much I've grown in the last eight years.


I'm so tired, I can barely think. I'm eating some Lucky Charms because my stomach is thinking for me right now. Then I'm going to bed. :D

Tonight was a good night. We did the store in great time, and I did okay. I averaged around 600 pieces an hour, a little bit more. We didn't have a goal, but a lot of people did right about that, maybe a little less. While I was pulling all the little yellow tags, my team left without me. It's funny because I was pulling right next to the girl driving me, and then she disappeared, and we couldn't find her. So I got left, and I got an extra two hours of work/pay in. So hey!! I got a ride home with the rest of the Huntington team, and I really like them.

Ziggie and Baby are both sick, and I'm kind of hoping that Ziggie will call in sick. At the same time, that would make it harder to justify sending Baby to the sitter's, but neither of us will be in any shape to watch him.

Well, my three minutes are up, and I'm really tired. So 'night!!

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Left out

Note: This is backdated. :D

Today was okay. I'm feeling a little sick, like the boys, and it's not fun!!

I got to work tonight. I had a lot of fun and really did a great job. There was a tiny mix-up about my schedule, but I'm happy because I ended out with an extra hour work and pay. I love my job, and that's a good thing.

I felt a little tired today -- kind of lazy. I really wanted Ziggie to take care of Baby, but he was sicker than I am!! So my FiL came over to help put TinyMan to bed. I'm not sure how that all went. I'll find out in the morning.

I noticed something tonight --
There were a bunch of ladies in the room with me and we were all counting in the same area. At one point I noticed that they were all talking to each other and laughing about something, and no one made an effort to involve me in the joke or the conversation.

I was a little disappointed. I was reminded of High School when I would often come up to the lunch table and they would be telling a story and I wouldn't get the joke. It's like I'm physically a part of the group, but mentally we're miles apart. I don't like that "left behind" or "left out" feeling.

In High School I would ask them to repeat it, or explain the joke, and they'd just say, "nah it's too long," or "you'll get it when you're older." I convinced myself that I would just have to make an effort to fit in better. I'd laugh even if I didn't have a clue. And I made myself feel as though I fit in. Tonight I convinced myself that it was just because I was crouched down, and they didn't hear when I tried to talk to them. It wasn't on purpose. It's not their responsibility to involve me. I should be more outgoing and involve myself.

And yet... I wonder. Is it really me? Do I need to be more outgoing -- involve myself? Am I being selfish, expecting to be a part of the conversation all the time? Should I just accept the fact that these guys have worked together for a long time, and I'm always going to be a step behind? Or is it something deeper? Am I too focused on the task at hand and not enough on them? Do they feel as though I'm stuck up because I don't often innitiate conversation? Am I just being silly?

I don't know what the answer is. This is the first time at work that I've been so aware of being an outsider. Maybe it was just one of those things, and my mind made it more than it was. Maybe it's just that I've worked with them for a month now and thought I'd be further in relationships than I am. Maybe I just need to go to bed and see what happens over the next month.

Yeah... I think that might be the answer. :-) I'm off to bed!!

Thank you so much for a job that provides a way for me to contribute to our finances. Thank you for that feeling of productiveness that I get. Thank you for giving me a job that I love. Thank you for my FiL who helps when we need it. Thank you so much for this life you've given me. Thank you, Father. Help me not to take your gifts for granted.

Friday, March 03, 2006

"I'm the Baby!!!"

Today was an interesting day. Ziggie and Booger were both sick again, and I made Ziggie stay home from work. That was okay. I'm starting to get a touch of it all, but I'm feeling a lot better than they are. We did have to cancel on our friends, because Booger is still running a fever, and while I feel badly, I'm not really bummed.

I watched Never Been Kissed tonight. I had forgotten how much I like that movie. I really connect with it, on several levels. In High School I always felt like Josie did. I never really fit in, and I was often the butt of the jokes. At least, until my senior year. By then I was comfortable enough in the skin I had made for myself that I was fairly popular (Homecoming Queen Runner-Up!!!), and I wasn't the butt of too many jokes. :D Of course... falling in the canal and losing my glasses in the ocean are two things I will never live down. :D Anyway... I really like this movie.

Today I was sitting on the sofa with Booger on my lap and I told Ziggie "I have to pee, and there's a child on my bladder." He says, "That's probably why you have to pee! See, you keep asking me to get pregnant, and it's just like being pregnant again!!" And I said, "Yeah, but I don't get the baby at the end." And Booger turned around and said, "I'm the Baby!!!"

On a sidenote: Does anyone recognize this actress? Hint: She plays a snobby teen in Never Been Kissed. She's Disco Barbie at the prom!!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Being Bubbles...

Well, Ziggie and Baby are both sick. I called Ziggie's work for him, and I'm turning his alarm off. I don't care what he says; he's too sick to go to work, and I want to have my friends over tomorrow night. If he sleeps, then he may feel better tomorrow afternoon. If he feels better, I can have my friends over!! I miss grown-ups. I miss real live grown-ups with voices and laughter and warm bodies. I miss people who use verbs in their sentences and eat more things than Cheerios and apple slices. Plus, our friends have a tiny little girl. She just turned a year, and I'm so excited to play with a small baby. My son is so big now, and he doesn't let me play with him. I can watch him play. I can get the toys out. But I don't get to actually get down on my hands and knees and play with him. "I wanna" is his mantra. Ahh.... Grown ups!!

I hope that Ziggie and Baby are both better tomorrow because it's not fun taking care of them both, either. Baby is sleeping better tonight than he did last night (so far... Knock on wood), and that's a very good sign. The doctor gave them both antibiotics, and I'm eager to see how much good it'll do.

I, in the meantime, am feeling better than I've felt in a long time. I kind of feel bad, being all happy and chipper and energetic when they're both lounging around holding their heads and hacking their lungs up. But, if I weren't feeling well, they would both be running around being loud. So I am thankful that I can care for them and get a couple hours to myself tonight!!

Dear Father,
You know my family. Please help my guys to get better. It seems like everyone in the world is sick, and it's not fun for any of us. Help Andrew, and Ziggie, and Baby to all feel better. Touch their spirits as well as their bodies, and make your love especially apparent these next few days. Thank you so much for my health right now, and let that continue. I like taking care of my guys, and I enjoy having my husband home. Thank you for the quiet time tonight that I could spend with you. I love you, Father, and I appreciate all that you've done to help me remember throughout the last couple weeks. You have made yourself known and remembered, and I thank you. Again, I love you.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Why blog?

I was reading a post by a friend that I really admire. She had a lot to say about "blogs" -- where they came from and why she started one.

As I was reading this post, I saw something interesting. She stated that she didn't want to use her blog to say things that she would normally be too timid to say in person.

For me, that is one of the benefits of a blog. I feel like what I say on my blog is more honest, more open, than I feel comfortable with in person. You can see an entirely different side of me -- one that I rarely let out in person. In person, I am too timid, because a person may not have a choice about hearing what I have to say. I choose my words very carefully, and slowly construct every sentence. Or else I fly off the handle and don't say what I really want to say, and end up sorry later.

On my blog, a person always has the choice not to continue reading. I can be as honest as I want, and if they don't want to hear it, then they don't have to keep reading. On my blog, most sentences are written as I feel them, but a few are also carefully crafted. I can be loud and angry, without saying things that I don't mean or didn't want to say.

I find that when I argue on-line, I fight more fairly. I say what I am really thinking deep down, as it comes to me, but I have the option of backspacing and using a different word, or deleting the sentence entirely. So I'm still mad and upset and vent those feelings, but I don't damage a friendship too badly like I tend to do when I fight in person.

It's one of the reasons I haven't shared my writings with my parents yet. There are things in here that are true, and that I want people to know... but I'm not ready to share with my parents. And someday, I will simply say to them, "Mom, Dad... I want you to read my journal." And they will see the part of me that I have been hiding -- the part I've been too scared to show them.

That's actually the whole reason I started blogging. I was reading this other blog, and I wanted to put my two cents in. At the time, I was really mad at my church, but I didn't know how to tell them all my feelings, and I wasn't brave enough to do it to their face.

I guess, there's a sense of validation that I really need right now. And I know that this is a venue where I can get that. Or people will tell me flat out: "Girl, you're off your rocker. Get with the program here!" And I don't have to hear it from people that I really love. I don't get mad at them; they don't get mad at me; and in my own little world, it all works out in the end.

I'm changing my name.

Pretty uneventful day. I tried to sleep all day, but different things kept waking me up: dog, phone, Ziggie, baby. I'm crampy again -- not a good sign. I know all you guys really want to know that... but hey, it's *my journal. :D

I was supposed to go to work, but I woke up and got ready and I had a migraine and a didn't feel good. Everytime I walked across the room or stood up I would get really dizzy or nauseated. Not a good thing when you spend all day going up and down at work. So I called in sick. Correction -- I had Ziggie call in sick for me. I'm such a chicken when it comes to calling in. I just called in on Sunday and I knew that my team leader was not going to be happy. I figured since Ziggie has never met her, he was less likely to be tempted to send me to work than if I talked to her.

I hate calling in -- I really do. I don't like disappointing people and I don't like being sick. I love my job, and I hate when I can't be there. But I think that tonight I would have been more of a liability than a help.

My son talked non-stop once his daddy got home. "Daddy? Milk! Milk! Milk! Daddy? Daddy? couch... couch... cheese!! Cheese! Apple!! Apple!! That? That? Coco, balloon!! Coco balloon!! Parker puppy! Parker puppy!! Baby Colers (Colin)!! Baby Colers!! Mommy? Mommy? Peepee... peepee... TeeTee (TV), teetee pause, teetee play!! Towel, towel, wipe! Towel wipe!!" And so on and so forth. He wanted to be held in my lap, under a blanket, and didn't want me to get up for anything. About six he was getting cranky and wouldn't stop talking and started running a fever. So we stuck him in bed an hour early. While I was rocking him, he said "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy..." about a thousand times -- seriously, no breaks, for about ten minutes straight. Finally I laid him in his crib and left the room, and he continued with the "mommy"-ing for about two more minutes before he coughed and fell asleep. It was cute, but quite annoying as well.

After Baby went down, we watched some TV, and I painted my fingernails. I love this color -- it's kind of orangey pinkey -- called coral. It's sparkly without being too obvious, and it's really nice. I love having my nails colored: I feel just that much sexier. I like feeling good about myself.

Well, once again, it's late; and I'm tired. So good night!!

Dear Father,
Please help my son to sleep well tonight and to feel better tomorrow. Give me the patience to potty train him, and help me to sleep well too. Father, thank you for a day to rest, and thank you that I'm feeling better now than I was earlier.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

It's a Wonderful Life

Today, not one, not two, but three amazing things happened for me.

First, my son peed and pooped on the potty!! Hooray!! I bugged him all morning, and finally, right after lunch and right before his nap, he sat on the potty!! I'm so very proud of him. This is the first time that he has pooped on the potty for real. On his birthday he got just a tiny bit, but not even trying. It just kind of fell off his toosh. :D But today, he actively tried and succeeded to use the toilet!! I'm so proud of my big boy!!

Second, the mail came. We had ordered a replacement for the library book my dog so kindly ate for me, and now I can finish the story!! I know this is trivial, but seriously, I had just stopped in the middle of a really intense part. I'm so excited to finish it!! It'll probably wait until Wednesday, but still!!!

And third, I got to work tonight!! I flew like never before. Our goal was 850 pieces an hour, and my highest was 1277. My lowest was 960. I did great!! I'm not really bragging; I'm just very proud of myself. I work hard, and I do a good job. I didn't have to recount a single area tonight!! I'm so excited to see that I'm getting better. The more I work, the more I like this job. That in itself is such a blessing!! Plus (knock on wood), my stomach isn't acting up!! I think I can keep this job as part-time for quite a while!!

Another good (but not quite amazing) thing that happened was that my teacher sent my work back to me, and she really loved it. We had evaluate ourselves, and I evaluated myself pretty highly. I wrote down where I could improve, but asserted that I felt I was already demonstrating the skills they hope us to have learned by the end of the course. The teacher laughed, but agreed with me. I know that it's only because I've already taken similar courses twice, but still. I'm glad to see that I'm not coming across as condescending.

On a separate note entirely...
I had a friend inform me that when I spoke to some of my coworkers on Saturday, I had come across as condescending. That really disappointed me. I have always had to work very hard on that, and I'm disappointed to hear that I'm not doing as well anymore as I thought I had been. I need to start thinking about it a little more often, and listening to the tone of my voice.

Saturday I had an incident I didn't really understand. There was a girl who was downloading some info at work, and I was waiting for her to finish. I said something that implied she was taking too long, and I hurt her feelings. When I think about it, I was actually quite rude. I'm not sure why I was so rude to her, and there is no excuse for it. I apologized tonight and told her that I was very sorry that I was so rude. She said, "Yeah, you were rude. It really made me mad at you. I'm glad you apologized, but you were really, really rude." I agreed and told her I had no excuse. What I didn't understand is *why* I was so rude to her. And why she was so rude to me that day, and tonight.

And all of a sudden it hit me... We had had a cat fight!! Minor, but still!! Yesterday I called in sick for work because I was all crampy and bloating. And tonight she was running around seeing if anyone had a tampon. We were both PMSing, and neither of us realized it. We both laughed about it at the end of our shift tonight, because now we both knew part of why we had acted so out of character for us. I wonder if we are kind of like dogs -- we subconsciously recognize when another woman is about to start, and we get defensive and catty. I don't know...

Well, I'm tired, and I'm going to bed now. Good night!!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Desire of my heart...

Today I am sad.

Psalm 37:4-7a weighs heavily on my heart.
"4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;"

That last part is really, really hard. I find myself being envious of some of my friends a little bit today. Yet I look at some of my other friends, and I think how selfish I am. How can I think that God would bless me before these others?

I've wanted this for so long. And I've prayed for it so many times. I feel like I've been working at it for forever. Every month comes and goes; and every month my heart breaks all over again. This month I thought for sure that God would give me what I've been asking. I've never felt more in tune with His desires for my life. And yet... Apparently I don't know Him as well as I think I do. Because everyday He reminds me that His answer is "no" or "not yet." And part of me is really mad because I don't know which it is.

If I knew what His answer was, I could move on. I could keep waiting if only I knew... I don't understand why Sarah laughed when God said He would keep his promise. At least she knew the answer to her prayer. She just didn't believe. Me... I believe, but I don't know the answer.

Still my heart today. Apply your peace and love to the wound You've allowed to grow. And Father, I can't help but to ask one more time... Please? You know my heart, and perhaps this is why You do not grant my request. Please provide a comfortor for my spirit. Provide a person to be the balm for my soul. Father, I need a kindred friend. Thank you for providing for my needs.

A little talk

I stand here, waiting for you to arrive. I invited you here today because I have something that I want to say to you, and I wanted to be sure you were available to listen. You're my friend, and I want to be open with you, honest. I'm trying so hard. I see your car pull up, and you get out. You approach me, and we hug. Then you fidget just a little, and look at me expectingly.

"Friend, I..." I look up at you. You are waiting to hear what I have to say, waiting to hear why I've brought you here today. I know I sounded funny when we last spoke -- kind of urgent and a little stressed. You're thinking the worst, and I'm not doing much to allay your fears. I'm not sure how to say this. I'm not sure what you will think when you hear what I want. "Well, I need to ask you a favor."

You nod your head and hum a little sound, encouraging me to continue. You've always been so understanding. You generally grant what I ask of you. You share your heart with me, and I share mine with you. And each time we meet, we part as better friends. I'm not sure why I'm so nervous to say this. You'll help me through it; I know.

"If you happen to speak to my parents," I slowly speak the words, carefully phrasing them to convey the right meaning. I don't want you to feel you have to speak to my parents. I don't know if you ever do. I don't know what your relationship is like with them. I haven't asked. I'm afraid of hearing that you are closer to my parents than I am, that you have spoken to them more recently than I. "Please don't tell them about this journal, or my LiveJournal."

Now I'm watching you expectantly. What are you thinking? I can see you mulling this over in your mind, however briefly. And I don't know if I should explain. I take a breath and open my mouth to begin, and then I change my mind and close my mouth without uttering a sound. I'm waiting for you to ask why. I'm deciding what to tell you... how to explain this odd request.

I realize that I am saying one thing and doing another. I want to be a more open and honest person, and yet I am hiding things from my parents. I will share things with you, whom I haven't spoken to in so long, but I won't share them with my family? How do I reconcile this request with my conscience? What am I thinking? What is my reasoning? I can see all of these questions, and more, forming within your brain.

I feel as though I can't hold it in anymore. You've been quiet for a split second, but it has felt like an eternity to me. I have to explain. I have to know what you think. I'm afraid the words will come pouring out, and I won't be able to control them... The thoughts are thundering through my brain, and I don't know where they're all coming from. I imagine that I'm saying it all, and I hear a tiny little voice that isn't even mine. I don't recognize the words being spoken in my imagination, yet I know they're mine. I've been pondering them for so long that they must be mine.

I'm just getting back on a solid ground with them. I love them and I'm afraid of hurting my mom. My dad too, but especially my mom. I don't know how to tell them about things that they diapprove of. I'm always afraid that they will be disappointed, that they won't like what they hear. I'm afraid that if I tell them the real truth... the stuff I've shoved so far deep down inside my heart that I don't even remember it all... if I tell them all of that, what will they say. Will they sit there, stunned? Will Mom get mad? Will Dad try to reason with me?

Basically... I'm afraid that they'll stop coming up. I'm afraid they'll stop answering the phone when I call. I'm afraid that I will never go to Grandma or Grandpa's again. I'm afriad that my son will be afraid of them. I'm afraid that I will always disappoint them, that I will hurt them again. I want our relationship to be good; I want it to be strong. But if I tell them when I'm angry, they might not understand and they might think it's an always thing.

As I think about all of this I also imagine your response. I imagine you'd tell me that my parents love me and that they will not judge me like that. You'd tell me that of course you won't tell them, but you will be praying that I find the words and the courage to tell them myself. I'm praying that as well.

So... now I'm asking...

Friend, thanks for coming. I asked you to come because I...
Well, I need to ask you a favor.
If you see my parents, please don't mention my blog.

And I sit here typing and I am dying... What is your response?