Saturday, March 25, 2006

too much...

I've had a little too much to drink. And I'm drunk. I've never really been drunk before. I've had drinks -- mostly just sips every now and then, and I've gotten a slight buzz before, but I've never been drunk like this. I've always wondered what I'm like when I'm drunk. Now I know. My emotions are wobbling up and down. One minute I'm giggly, the next I'm apologizing for everything. I find myself increasingly worried that Ziggie will be annoyed or irritated. I'm dizzy, and can't sit straight. It started out as just a sip to calm me after an exciting night. But I liked the taste and just mindlessly kept drinking.

I was wrong. And even as I sit here, still reeling, I'm sorry for it. I don't like being this drunk. I like the feeling a small drink brings -- I get relaxed, and kind of giggly. But right now I don't feel in control, and it feels wrong. I know it's wrong.

I've had some bread and crackers and a little water -- I'm afraid any more water will make me throw up. While that might relieve my stomach ache, it really won't help any. I'm glad that I at least stopped before I wanted too. I didn't drink the whole 20 oz. bottle. Just about 12 oz. or so. But still -- it was too much.

I'm dizzy, and I don't like this feeling -- not really. I like the new experience. Everything is crystal clear, like when I get a new prescription for my glasses. Even without my glasses, I can see farther than usual. But I don't like the dizzy feeling. I don't like it when I realize that if my son were to cry right now, I wouldn't be able to pick him up without falling over. I don't like kissing my husband and hearing that I smell like booze.

The goal was to just take a sip or two to calm my nerves, but I took it too far. I know that I'm not really going to struggle to get to sleep, but this isn't how I wanted to get to sleep. I wanted to fall asleep on my own, not because I can't stay awake. I wanted to be able to take care of my son in the morning, so my husband could sleep in. I wanted to just get a little calm, not have too much.

What is it that made me go too far? Was it my desire to be "bad"? Was it the flavor of the drink? Is it that I'm not really a Christian?

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