Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Insomniac

So the last two weeks I've been very, very sore. So I went to the doctor, afraid of cancer or some such. (There are other reasons for the cancer thing, not just that I was sore or paranoid.) And he tells me that it's one of my medicines -- the one that helps me sleep. So I stopped taking it. This morning I got out of bed, and all the soreness was gone!! Unfortunately, it came with a price. I only got about an hour and a half of sleep last night.

I hate these kind of nights. Why can't I sleep on my own? For a few months, I went through life on about ten hours of sleep a week. And I don't want to do that again. But neither do I want to live with this pain. How do you guys fall asleep at night? My dad just "stops thinking". How do you all accomplish that?

I thought, rather, I had really hoped that I had conquered my insomnia. I'm not making insanely long task lists. I'm not freaking about vacuuming and dusting. I'm not Nazi Gestapo with the knives anymore. I thought that these things were keeping me up. But I guess not. Last night, I just lay there, looking at the wall. I wasn't thinking anything in particular. I got up to pee. I got an extra blanket. I switched pillows with Ziggie. I peed again. I plucked my eyebrows. I tried sleeping on the couch, then with the dog. I watched a little TV. And I wasn't able to sleep more than ten minutes straight until almost 7 this morning.

I'm distressed. There are a lot of things rolling around in my heart right now, but they aren't pressing me. I should have been able to sleep. And that worries me. I wonder how much all the other stuff is really doing for me. I wonder how much it helps. How much of my improvement stems from merely getting enough sleep? And how do I get enough sleep on my own?

Eck... I'm repeating myself now. I'm tired, but not really exhausted. I'll be like this for another day, max, and then I'll start feeling anxious again. I know these feelings. I can feel the thoughts boiling, simmering, stewing behind my eyes. How long this time until they bubble over? How long until I have another panic attack? How much longer will I have to live in pain?

1 comment:

Barb said...

I don't know the road to sleep either, sometimes. I admire people (like my sons most of the time) who can simply fall asleep and stay asleep. That has not been my strong point. I also admire those who can live very well on only 3-4 hours sleep a night without having it affect their emotions. The only thing I can say is that I have learned some tricks that work (sometimes) for me. I sometimes can lay in the quiet without being restless just enjoying the silence or talking and listening to God. Sometimes I read...or write... . One night last month I got up at 2am and did half an hour of the exercises I would have to do in the morning--weights. It got me tired enough and got rid of enough of the nervous energy that I could go back to sleep and also get up 30 minutes later in the morning.

Also, I have had to realize God is holding my hand whether I get a good night's sleep or not, and that it is not my ability that gets me through a day, but my willingness and His strength.--I know of anxiety and panic attacks, and I'll pray, friend.