I was reading a post by a friend that I really admire. She had a lot to say about "blogs" -- where they came from and why she started one.
As I was reading this post, I saw something interesting. She stated that she didn't want to use her blog to say things that she would normally be too timid to say in person.
For me, that is one of the benefits of a blog. I feel like what I say on my blog is more honest, more open, than I feel comfortable with in person. You can see an entirely different side of me -- one that I rarely let out in person. In person, I am too timid, because a person may not have a choice about hearing what I have to say. I choose my words very carefully, and slowly construct every sentence. Or else I fly off the handle and don't say what I really want to say, and end up sorry later.
On my blog, a person always has the choice not to continue reading. I can be as honest as I want, and if they don't want to hear it, then they don't have to keep reading. On my blog, most sentences are written as I feel them, but a few are also carefully crafted. I can be loud and angry, without saying things that I don't mean or didn't want to say.
I find that when I argue on-line, I fight more fairly. I say what I am really thinking deep down, as it comes to me, but I have the option of backspacing and using a different word, or deleting the sentence entirely. So I'm still mad and upset and vent those feelings, but I don't damage a friendship too badly like I tend to do when I fight in person.
It's one of the reasons I haven't shared my writings with my parents yet. There are things in here that are true, and that I want people to know... but I'm not ready to share with my parents. And someday, I will simply say to them, "Mom, Dad... I want you to read my journal." And they will see the part of me that I have been hiding -- the part I've been too scared to show them.
That's actually the whole reason I started blogging. I was reading this other blog, and I wanted to put my two cents in. At the time, I was really mad at my church, but I didn't know how to tell them all my feelings, and I wasn't brave enough to do it to their face.
I guess, there's a sense of validation that I really need right now. And I know that this is a venue where I can get that. Or people will tell me flat out: "Girl, you're off your rocker. Get with the program here!" And I don't have to hear it from people that I really love. I don't get mad at them; they don't get mad at me; and in my own little world, it all works out in the end.