Sunday, March 05, 2006

Left out

Note: This is backdated. :D

Today was okay. I'm feeling a little sick, like the boys, and it's not fun!!

I got to work tonight. I had a lot of fun and really did a great job. There was a tiny mix-up about my schedule, but I'm happy because I ended out with an extra hour work and pay. I love my job, and that's a good thing.

I felt a little tired today -- kind of lazy. I really wanted Ziggie to take care of Baby, but he was sicker than I am!! So my FiL came over to help put TinyMan to bed. I'm not sure how that all went. I'll find out in the morning.

I noticed something tonight --
There were a bunch of ladies in the room with me and we were all counting in the same area. At one point I noticed that they were all talking to each other and laughing about something, and no one made an effort to involve me in the joke or the conversation.

I was a little disappointed. I was reminded of High School when I would often come up to the lunch table and they would be telling a story and I wouldn't get the joke. It's like I'm physically a part of the group, but mentally we're miles apart. I don't like that "left behind" or "left out" feeling.

In High School I would ask them to repeat it, or explain the joke, and they'd just say, "nah it's too long," or "you'll get it when you're older." I convinced myself that I would just have to make an effort to fit in better. I'd laugh even if I didn't have a clue. And I made myself feel as though I fit in. Tonight I convinced myself that it was just because I was crouched down, and they didn't hear when I tried to talk to them. It wasn't on purpose. It's not their responsibility to involve me. I should be more outgoing and involve myself.

And yet... I wonder. Is it really me? Do I need to be more outgoing -- involve myself? Am I being selfish, expecting to be a part of the conversation all the time? Should I just accept the fact that these guys have worked together for a long time, and I'm always going to be a step behind? Or is it something deeper? Am I too focused on the task at hand and not enough on them? Do they feel as though I'm stuck up because I don't often innitiate conversation? Am I just being silly?

I don't know what the answer is. This is the first time at work that I've been so aware of being an outsider. Maybe it was just one of those things, and my mind made it more than it was. Maybe it's just that I've worked with them for a month now and thought I'd be further in relationships than I am. Maybe I just need to go to bed and see what happens over the next month.

Yeah... I think that might be the answer. :-) I'm off to bed!!

Thank you so much for a job that provides a way for me to contribute to our finances. Thank you for that feeling of productiveness that I get. Thank you for giving me a job that I love. Thank you for my FiL who helps when we need it. Thank you so much for this life you've given me. Thank you, Father. Help me not to take your gifts for granted.

1 comment:

Micah said...

Hey Claire-Elaine,
I just got around to catching up on your old postings and came across one that is near and dear to my heart! Remember that friends who have worked together or known each other for a while sometimes have a difficult time letting others in, especially if they aren't too outgoing themselves. Even though you struggle with being an extrovert at times, you do a fine job of it. As I look back on how some of my best friendships have come about, both old and new, it's because of a lot of work I've had to do. I've had to actively pursue that relationship, I've had to "join in" or start something even though it's not the most comfortable for me. When you keep working at it and keep being yourself you will have no end of new friends. God bless.