I've been struggling a lot today with the "what if's" of life. Not just things in the past, but also in the future. I find myself very sad, and a little heartbroken, and I can't really explain it all.
It really started a week ago now, when I found out that my best friend from High School (I'll call her Pearl) was being visited by two other very dear friends of mine. I found myself immediately jealous of all three of them. I was jealous of Pearl because she got to see these other dear friends. I was jealous of my dear friends because they got to see Pearl.
For me, this is a daily struggle. When I was in High School, the Lord positioned me in a very tight circle of friends and family -- for the first time in my life I belonged. I met people that I grew to love and that loved me back -- for the first time in my life love was a two way street. And these people are still so very very dear to my heart. And I live two hours from them. We very rarely talk -- we all have busy schedules and long distance is expensive. We see each other even more rarely, and with the rising price of gas, the time that passes between visits will stretch longer and longer.
I miss these people with every fiber of my being some days. Today is one of those days. I want nothing more than to sit in a circle on the floor of my parents' living room and just enjoy my friends and my family. I want to see my parents more often. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to journey down to see Pearl for myself. I hate that life is moving on all around us, and that they're not a part of my daily life anymore. I just miss them so much!!
I love my son and my husband, and I wouldn't trade them for the world!! Please don't misunderstand me. I just wish that somehow I could drag them down to Indy and we could all live there. I don't want to be back in High School. I just want to be a part of my friend's lives. I guess I don't want to be forgotten. When I see my friends, I don't want to be reenacting a chapter from my past -- I want to be extending my future. I once knew these people backwards and forwards. I knew who all their friends were, and had heard their stories so many times I could tell them better than my friends sometimes. And now I call and they're living life with new friends and loved ones. And I don't know who these new people are or what part they play in the life of this person I love. What things could they tell me about my friend that I don't know anymore?
I know that I struggle with change. I tend to cling to things just because they remind me of someone or something I loved, even though I will always have those memories, even without the memento. I wonder if my calls to my friends are like those mementos -- am I trying too hard to cling to my past? Have these people played out their roles in my life, and I'm trying to drag them back onto the stage, when they don't really belong? And how come they get to be a part of each other's lives, but I can't be? I'm not really bitter, like that sounds... I'm just sad. I miss my friends.