Monday, October 23, 2006

A Rant

How could you? I just don't get it. Your actions mystified me, and what mystifies me even more is that you didn't even try to explain or rationalize. You literally tore me in two, and somehow I was just supposed to cope with that. I mean... who on earth was I supposed to share with? My world was falling to pieces, and then you put that on me. And if I had shared... well my world would have still fallen to pieces, only everyone would know. They all ended up knowing anyway. You said that I was important to you, that I was special. And yet, when it came down to it, you didn't listen to a word I said. You'd think that with everything I'd been through to that point, with all the things I'd witnessed and been a part of, you'd think my opinion would have mattered. Especially if I was everything to you that you said I was. And yet... you blew me off. You didn't even entertain my words -- my heart was poured out to you, time and time again, and you didn't see -- didn't even care to see. And after all that... after everything was done imploding, it exploded. And you were angry with me. How could you be? Why did you blame me -- you still do, you know. I still feel your pain, and your blame... after all this time, you still blame me for everything that happened -- why did you blame me for seeking comfort elsewhere? How could you be upset that I ran to someone else? Like you had anything to offer me. I spent months pouring out my heart and my life for you... and you spent months throwing it away. And when I finally couldn't anymore -- when there was nothing left for me to give you, or anyone else for that matter -- you got mad that I gave up. You gave up before it even started, and yet I did you wrong. How could you? How could you do that to me? to yourself!?

Have you ever had something happen -- something really big -- and you didn't respond to it right away? Well, five years ago this season, something big happened to me. And I didn't really react. I mean, I did... and other people saw it. But it didn't sink in. The other night, I woke up and finally reacted to what happened. Do you ever have conversations in your mind that you know are never going to happen in real life, but it makes you feel just a little bit better? Well... this is me, trying to have that conversation, and not just let it sit in my mind. This message will probably never get where it's going... but I'm hoping that at least it's gone.

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