Wow

I went to Dr. Meiring this morning, and he cleared me for all workouts and supplements and supervised med changes. I'm excited, because I'm really feeling negative a lot more, and it's because of my weight. There are so many things I want to do, but can't because I'm so obese. I was really discouraged when I saw a paper on the wall of the exam room. It said, "Body Mass Index" and it was a chart. So you go down the first column until you find your height, then you follow that row until you find your weight. My weight was about 40lbs off the chart. It was very discouraging to know that I am *literally* off the chart. But he cleared me for any changes, and he seemed really excited to hear what I've done so far.

So then I went and met Dr. Jaqueline Lyons. She's a psychologist, and I found her because she does faith-based obesity counseling. I really enjoyed our talk, and she gave me homework. I still need to work on that tonight before I forget. But I want to do this journal first, before I lose my thoughts. So I really enjoyed my meeting with her, and I think it will be a very productive relationship.

So then I came home and I really have no idea what I did until we all went to get Topher from school. After that we went to Walmart to get sandals for T because his flip flops broke. While there, Chad discovered that in the last two months, Topher has grown another size and a half in shoe size. What's crazy is that when I bought his sneakers two months ago (and they're not even worn out!), I bought them too big. And he outgrew that!! So we got him some sneakers, sandals, and both boys some water shoes for splash pads and swimming pools. I don't want to deal with foot fungi this summer. We also got a little toy for Xander, and since the toy aisle is right next to the sports section, I ran over to see if Walmart has a DVD that some of the girls on MyFitnessPal were talking about, "Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred". They said it was brutal, and I figured I could do it just fine because I've been working out on and off, and they were brand new beginners. Chad said he'd do it with me, so we bought it for $10.

About 9:45 we started the DVD and it was *brutal*. Halfway through the first set, I was exhausted already, my legs felt like jelly, and I didn't think I'd make it through. But Chad was doing it right beside me and encouraging me the whole way. I don't know how he managed to have motivation enough for both of us, but he did. And I'm so proud of him for pushing me, and I'm proud of him for pushing him. There were a couple of exercises and one stretch that we simply could not do. But we kept going, and we didn't sit and rest. We *moved*. It took me about an hour to get my breath back, and another half hour after that to stop shaking. 

At first, right after the workout, I was very demoralized. I, who had been working out off and on, could not make it as far as my husband did. I didn't have the motivation that I thought I had, and it made me wonder if I really want this badly enough. And Jillian is so rational about it all. She explains why she pushes so hard, and we all know the results she's gotten. I felt that I was irrational for being in so much pain. I didn't like her style as much as Leslie's in some ways, because she's a lot pushier. But I did really like that she explained every move in such detail. She showed us what we needed to know to avoid getting hurt. And even though the workout was killing me, I didn't get hurt. No broken bones or pulled muscles. No debilitation. 

Once the shaking stopped, I realized that I felt good. I have a lot of feel good chemicals in my brain right now, and that's very cool. I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep tonight, though, because I did not sleep for even a minute last night. I was exhausted and wide awake. I did, however, finish a crossword puzzle in a magazine, with one hint. Any way, I feel good, and I'm willing to give this another try. One of the girls on my Facebook said that she used to do the Shred 3-5 times a week, and she lost 40 pounds in 3 1/2 months. I'm looking forward to *that* kind of change! I'll need to rearrange my idea of what a workout is and what is helpful, and maybe even look at how much am I really willing to do. She said something about... I lost my train of thought.

A couple of things that I'm going to add to my list of what will excite me when I'm at a healthy weight again: painting my toenails easily, getting things off the floor of the car, and shaving my legs without falling down in the shower. Also, I'll love not having my thighs rub against each other. 

Another motivational thing that I'm going to do is to make a scrapbook. I'm going to pull together some of the photos from before I gained so much weight, and some photos of me now. I'll include "workout gear" pictures so we can see all the grotesqueness. Then, every two weeks I will do a weigh in and an inches record, and take a new picture. I'm hoping that I will literally be able to watch myself lose the weight. I think once I can really see a change from the first photo it will be easier to keep this going.

Last thing: I'm a little jealous of Stephanie because she gets to have her surgery. I'm also excited for her, because I know how much longer she has dealt with this, and how much more she's suffered for it. I'm hoping that we can hit a healthy weight within a few months of each other. That would be pretty cool.