Update

I'm not going to rehash my failures tonight. I will go over some of my feelings, though.

I dropped the ignition key on the floor of the car today, and had to wiggle and finagle until I could get it back. I was winded by the time I sat back up. I felt frustrated and disappointed, and a bit angry. I said, "I have to do a workout tonight."

I did do a workout tonight. It's the first one since last Friday. On Friday I walked just over six miles through the forest at Hocking Hills with Christopher and his class. We did it in about three hours, and it was brutal. I was angry and frustrated during the whole thing, but in retrospect, I had fun. Tonight was a Leslie Sansone DVD. This summer I'm definitely getting out of the house more. 

I had set a goal at the beginning of the year to lose 70 pounds. That's a little over 2 pounds a week. I was going to be thrilled with 50 pounds, but I like to aim high and miss, rather than aim low, and not know how much I could have done. There are 30 weeks and 1 day remaining in the calendar year. If I lose 2 pounds a week, I won't reach that 70 pound goal. That's a tough pace to keep, and I won't be able to do it, which makes me a little mad and a lot sad.

I went through a couple of weeks ago and pulled out a bunch of digital photos of when I was smaller. I noticed that all of them were before my break just after Xander was born. I don't want to blame my meds for my weight, because that wouldn't be all true. But it would definitely appear to be a part of the equation. I talked to my psych doc about my meds and my desire to lose weight. She took me off my Risperdal and Celexa, and put me on Geodon. I remember being on Geodon before, and I loved how I felt. So far, it's been really positive, but I'm not completely done with the Risperdal.

I'm fighting the urge to workout in the morning and again at night, and eat nothing but veggies, and drink nothing but water. I know that going too far the other direction is not a healthy way to lose weight. But I need to do something...